Good news!

Today i am grateful.
I just got back from the doctor's.

The bad rushed robot doctor sucks so bad that he read my blood reports wrong!!!!!!!
After my first meeting with him and his suckage I set up a second opinion appointment with the other OB in the same building. I almost cancelled it a few times but i figured I might as well go and feel out all possible options.

New doctor stood out side of my door flipping through my record, i could hear him. It took him a while.  He was taking his time. Good sign.
He walked in and was warm.
Went through my past with me. Asked questions about Truman.
He said many things that reflected what the specialists advice that i had received through UCSF.
and he explained that my results were in fact negative and maybe the other doctor had read it in a rush.
Had i not gone for another opinion, i can't help but wonder how long i would go on thinking i have a diagnosis that is in fact completely wrong? Would have he ever caught it? Would he have told me?

Jeff is kind of pissed.
My Dad, relieved.
I'm glad that i don't have to fear stroke or heart attack every day for the rest of my breathing life (although i know pre-e people are at a higher risk anyways) and that i don't have to take an aspirin a day when i am not pregnant.

He said what my MFM fellow said "go ahead, get pregnant, we'll start aspirin at 12 weeks and take it one step at a time."

So.
Glad that stressor is over.
One less thing to worry about. Even though i know more then anyone that there are still no guarantees, at least it's one less odd against us.
Not stoked that i was put through a scary false diagnosis. But today i'm feeling more grateful then anything.
sending some love back out to all of those who are reading this.

I put up Truman's christmas tree today. I felt him with me through out the day.
Jeff and I went swimming after the appointment and I thought about him as we swam our laps. I think he would have loved the water as much as everyone else in his family does. We are all a bunch of fish. i thought about my pregnancy swim days, twice a week, him and i got to swim together. I will always cherish that time in the pool with him and those memories.

I got home and there was a message from a friend.
Her daughter was born about 10 hours after Truman and I LOVE looking at pictures of her. She makes me feel connected to Truman for some reason. His little birthday buddy. She gives my imagination the room to watch and think about what Tru would be doing at this point in life.
My friend said she heard this song today and it reminded her of Truman. It touched my heart.

Positive.

I had about 2500 decisions to make about various things. every single day since we decided to plan our conception.
Everything seemed to fall into place one day at a time, just to crumble and reconfigure the next.
I made my mind up and even if i was going to change it, again, for me it's a big deal.
From day to day these decisions that I mull over, accept and come to change. Over and over. At least it was movement, even if it was in circles.

I went into the doctor today.
Was greeted by a rude receptionist, waited in the waiting room for 50 mins.
Then was rushed back with a nurse who raced through my check in.
They were making it too easy on me. I had already made another decision! To never come back to this crappy doctor's office again.
After waiting another 40 mins in the quiet and creepily dated exam room, he walked in.
You could tell it was the first time he had looked at my chart since he closed it last time I was there.
He fumbled through the test results and there it was...
a positive.
Not the results that i had expected. How haven't i learned yet to expect the unexpected?
Bummer.
Major bummer.
I had my mind all made up! I was planning on going home and getting to baby making business. and then I'd go back to the doctor who helped me with Truman, come hell or high water! We were going to make it work, it would be okay.
Not so fast, the world bent back and laughed.

I don't get it. I do what I can do to make things better....I honestly feel cursed... but i try anyways....
...... but can i fight genetics?

The positive test is for a confusing and complex disease called "Antiphospholipid Syndrome".
I have it.
The paper marked "IGG- POSITIVE- >30".

The crappy doctor shifted uncomfortably. I was reaching the out limits of his experience.
I could tell when I asked "So should i start LDA at 12 weeks or at conception?"
.... and he gave an apathetic shrug.
then went on to say in so many words "whatever you want... i mean one way, you risk clots/stroke/death... the other birth defects.... so whatever you want to do, good luck."

I left the office with his only piece of advice that may actually be helpful- take one baby aspirin a day, for the rest of your life so you don't have a stroke/heart attack/ brain aneurism/blot clot.
and a diagnosed auto-immune disease.

I am 29 years old and have to take an aspirin a day to ward off heart attacks like i'm some 70 year old chain smoker who eats only red meat? This can not be a good sign for my life expectancy. 

I cried the whole way home.

I don't even know what the hell to do.

I got home and have been reading non-stop since. Trying to figure it all out.
It not only says all the scary stuff that i have mentioned already but also reoccurring Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, infant loss. I almost threw up.

I am sentenced to a multiple loss life?
But blood thinners can help possibly. Heparin and Warafin.
Does that mean that if i would have known about this before Truman, that i could have tried blood thinners and he could maybe possibly be alive right now????

I'm sad. I'm scared. I don't want any more bad news.

I'm reaching out to the perinatologists at UCSF for more help and information on what this diagnosis means.
Back to the beginning of the loop. No idea, confused, scared and clutching on to hope of good news.
Please hope for simple and effective solutions.

pre-maturity snobs

Venting:

"My baby was born early and is living proof that miracles do exist."

do i need to write any more then that??
UGHHHHHHHHH.
even if you really feel that way privately-- who rubs the life of their child in the faces of those who died? non-thinkers, that's who.
That's right, God heard your prayers and deemed your child "worthy" of saving.... but not mine..... because all those people who prayed for my son didn't pray hard enough.
Apparently being close to a child's death doesn't lend people the same lessons of chaos, randomness and statistics like it doesn't for those on the other side of the dime.

Even when they say crap like this to parents who are struggling to keep it together in the NICU, maybe to try to build hope on some level- I heard it then too and it made me feel bad then too! It's not helpful at all. My first NICU nurse.... the first 5 mins of meeting Truman was  BLABBING in my ear about how she had a premmie and it lived.... I remember stopping her and telling her i needed some alone time with my son. Even when i thought that he was going to be okay, their success was not comforting at all.

In my eyes... all of them are "miracles"....whatever that even means.
They are ALL miraculous little fighters trying their best. they are ALL the strongest people i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. no matter what the outcome.
and i'm sick of having my nose rubbed in the fact that their baby lived....that SOOOO many babies born at Truman's age lived and survived, are alive and well and strong and smart and playing sports and off at a college and .... and Truman didn't.
Their award is having a living child-- congrats... just wish they'd show some thoughtfulness and respect for those of us who aren't as lucky.

The emotional roller coaster of planning to try to conceive has me worried that I am going to be an emotional basket case when i'm actually pregnant.

I have been SO antsy to to get pregnant. Excited for the most part. Making plans, getting ducks in a row, training my ass off.
Then tonight I laid in bed alone (Jeff's out) and just had some quiet alone time... time with Truman. I listened to music, i thought about him. I closed my eyes and pictured him looking at me with his little hand squeezing my finger. Memories that I hope to have clear in my mind for the rest of my life.

Then is hit me. holy shit.
It won't be just us and Truman anymore. There will be another baby.
and I got sad for second. I started mentally trying to grasp on to what is just the 3 of us. Just like a parent of a living child might. Sad to let go of my "only child". My time with Truman as my only child is cherished no matter what the future holds for our family.
He is my first born.
He paved the way.
I do hope for his siblings and their lives and their health.
I hope his siblings will love, adore him and miss him as much as we do.

Tragedy, anger and old resentment

My friend, Scott, I have known him as long as I can remember.
He was my boyfriend on and off in the 5th and 6th grade. We've lost touch over the years but he will always be a part of my past.

His fiancee and his 7 month old beautiful little girl were in an accident yesterday around 9 am.
A drunk driver hit them and it killed his baby girl.
The driver was already charged with a DWI and after the accident was put on bail and released.

News video

His daughter is dead...

I didn't sleep much last night after the news.
To be honest, it sent my own grief reeling. I just put myself in his shoes. It's close to home. Re-living the loud and deafening anguish of those first few weeks and months.
Makes me sick that Scott has to go through this. I was fucking pissed and no one in particular took my child's life. I can not imagine the anger that he must be feeling... and if it hasn't come yet, i'm sure it will. I am angry for them. and i am so far away from home, so far to do anything to really help besides be one of them many who continue to write to them. Lost in a sea of letters.

The dimensions of losing a child.
it's never ending, far reaching, louder and bigger then you can imagine unless you've lived through it yourself.
The loss seems to be contagious and seeps into every single groove and crack of your life. You lose more then just your child. As if that wasn't enough.

I could go on and on about how much i lost and continue to lose. but there are never enough words.

and you know, people say stupid shit..... this is in the public eye now.... i can not even imagine the volume of stupid shit that people are going to say to them..... makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I just wish that i was there to help them on some level.
what i really wish is that no one would ever have to experience the death of a child again. if only.

For me this has spurred a range of emotions, one being old resentment.
I have this old friend who i think is an asshole. Said person angers me with many of their actions for a multitude of reasons. and they just were flat out not there for me when Truman died.
But when ANYTHING else happens in the community, there that person is, saying SOMETHING, anything, publicly. and it is just a slap in the face, maybe even a spit in the face.

So of course this person is showing concern for this family.... but not mine when it was my time... and it angers me all over again. I am really angry right now and trying to direct it away from this meaningless topic and utter waste of time.
This person wasn't just a friend, they were part of my family. So i just can not even wrap my mind around how person can live with themselves. Seriously. or how they could be so self obsessed/ involved that the death of Truman, an innocent baby, wasn't enough to snap them out of it. To me the only thing that makes sense is that said person has completely lost themselves and their mind. To act with such disregard of the relationship.... of the grief... of the tragedy.
Said person was telling me about how busy they were, just wayyyy too overwhelmed with life to call when T died but you look at their facebook page and there are countless self portraits posing and showing off body parts. Anyone who has that much time on there hands... well it speaks for itself really.
and i put up with that person's self inflicted drama's for so long and when something happened to me that was so painful, they were distant- on purpose for no reason. It's beyond hurtful.
So anytime something happens like this, it brings that back up for me.
But nothing will ever fix it or make it easier for me so i'm not even sure how just ignore it. Now i just have to LIVE with this person constantly insulting me and what we went through. Truman deserved to have words, love and attention just like Baylee does now.

We all need support in the face of such HEART BREAK. I was just missing said person's kids before all of this happened and thinking about the good old times.... and then Baylee was taken way too soon and this horrible situation served as a reminder.... the trauma that I went through and was ignored.
Truman was ignored.
Fuck that.

Tests, tests, and more tests.

This may sound completely reckless of me.... as someone VERY high risk... but i don't want to run anymore tests.
I don't want to lose another baby either.
But what are the tests going to tell me exactly?

No matter what they say i am going to try to have another baby.
I think.

Not sure if i should just tempt statistics and fate and just plunge in without thinking twice or if i should allow the doctors to tell me more scary possibilities...
when the facts are, we don't know ANYTHING. Especially about pre-eclampsia.

all of these tests may help me, they may not....


anyways... i'm waiting on some test results and deciding if i want to continue with more testing or not....
things will continue to unfold.

Obama for Rainbow Babies 2012

relief.
lighter breath.
tears of joy.
restored faith in my peers.
sense of security.

I'm sure most of you know how big Tuesday night was for me.
I spent most of the day, before the results, with my stomach in knots and tears running down my cheeks.
I was just beyond exhausted and scared. I can't imagine how the candidates were feeling. Everyone worked so hard and it had been such a long election year.
The "what if" thoughts were making it worse. I just really didn't know what i was going to do.
But it doesn't matter now.

Because Obama won and I can keep my PCIP Obamacare.

I went for my 3+ mile victory run yesterday and whipped out some great times. I even saw a small rainbow on the way.
Barack really does inspire me as an individual.
He has had many many obstacles, booby traps, racist remarks and people's worst wishes to all overcome. And he has done it with strength and grace.
I never thought a politician would effect me so much on this baby loss journey. It is definitely on my bucket list to personally thank him face to face someday..... he will never know just how much he has helped shape my life and my hope.

After the election Obama gave a speech, not his actually victory speech which was also amazing but this was just a little one saying thank you to young supporters.

Just thought that I would share because I think it shows how much he really does care... and how much he has tried. He just can't hold it all in any more. He is human. and this has been one long road.

When i was pregnant with Truman i joked about buying him an Obama onesie to rock... but it's no joke anymore... any and all of my future babes will be Obama fans... they will be here because of him.
It is really crazy how we all effect each other in this world.

My pre-conception appointment here in town with an OB is on the 16th.
I can not wait to go.
This election gave me a little bit of strength to face this next pregnancy and be brave.
i'll keep you updated loves.

xoxo

what to do, what to do

Today was a really tough one for me. The past few days have been.
Nothing new or profound to say. Just another rough day that i plowed through.
Truman was definitely with me today. In every little way.
and the little bumps and nudges that the universe sends me in it's own way has ben saying... "you are ready to start taking steps to give Truman a sibling."

I get scared. I get overwhelmed. I think of Truman and i miss him so much and my heart aches and breaks like it does everyday, for him. I just want him back.
and so i go through the whole thought of getting pregnant again,
and how much worry and work it's going to be,
and then i think, but that baby will not be Truman, i am never getting Truman back.
and the completely obvious thought takes a moment to digest and understand that I will be willing another child, completely different from Truman, into this world, and anything may happen. It could end the same, it could end differently, i have no idea.
but i still want him.
even if i have 500 more babies.
I still miss him.
my heart still breaks and aches every single day with out him.

I go through all of these thoughts and emotions within seconds.
then i'm back to 'holy shit i don't want to die, or become disabled and leave Jeff to fend for himself in this fucked up world'.
I am so scared to die.
and then as soon as the fear sets in... someone will say something like, "Gotta do it while you are still breathing." or "Gotta try while you have the chance."or "You'll never be this young again." or "You could be hit by a bus between then and now."
you get the drift.
and i  just think to myself, yeah, this is it. If i die giving birth to my children, at least I was brave and my love for them made me courageous. I wanted them that much that i braved it all.
I'm living my life and trying while i still can instead of just being paralyzed by fear. right?

So here is the kicker.
Like I've said before, I need Obama to win this election so that I can keep my preexisting condition insurance plan through his Obamacare.
I can probably start TRYING getting pregnant in January.... IF i could find a MFM or perinatologist here in the area... but SURPRISE, this is fucking Humboldt county and the medicine here is a literally a joke... they don't have a single one! Closest one is 6 hours away :)

So i asked around and there is one OB that is good with "high risk stuff". His reviews online are only horrifyingly terrible 50% of the time. Not very comforting.
I think i'm going to make an appointment just to talk with him and see what he is all about.
Still though.... it's not comforting enough for me.

Or, i could call the MFM's and perinatologists that I worked with when i had Truman in San Fran and see i they would be willing to do a long distance (6 hours away) thing with my favorite doctor, Dr. Hoopman, here in town. I have a feeling this is a loooong shot.

But i really don't want to have to wait to try until we leave here. this waiting sucks. the earliest that we would leave here is May but i think August is more realistic.
For multiple reasons, i probably SHOULD wait. I mean, who wants to move while pregnant!? No one.
and that way i can be settled somewhere else and find a good doctor and not up here in hicksville having less then mediocre care.

I am trying to plan this out so that Jeff is not in grad school (starting Spring/Jan of 2014) when i give birth.

If i get pregnant in Jan then the baby would likely come in August/September/October depending on if the pre-eclampsia shows up or not.... and if i get pregnant right away.  That means if the baby needs to spend some time in the NICU.... we have some months open to help each other before he starts back up at Grad school in January.

So LOTS to think about and consider... am i ready to hurl myself into all of the risk and just see how it pans out, or should I just wait it out? Either way this next pregnancy is going to be scary no matter what. WHEN to start trying is that major question? What if it takes me a year to get pregnant? or longer? then none of this will even matter. Lots of plans to consider just to give my brain the sense that i have a pinch of control in my own destiny will unfold with this... which we all know all to well how little we truly have.

All of this to worry about and consider and my life STILLLLLL hangs in the balance with this F'ing election. For all i know all of these options may not even be options a month from now. Nov 6th can not come fast enough.

The newly wed life has been amazing.
Missing Truman has not changed.
Waiting to TTC has been hard lately. I feel like the only person who has to wait this long for a rainbow, it sucks.

So i am writing now to inform all of you that I have been doing some self-assessing lately and I think that I have WAY to much invested in this political election.
I am exhausted.
and to be honest, watching Obama the other night during the debates, he is too.
and i do not blame him.

I have so much riding on this election and i wish that he would have stepped up and pepped up a bit to delusional cocky Mitt. But it was very disappointing, the entire thing.

and it made me really sad.

so i started thinking about worst case scenarios.
The reason that i fight so much, talk so much, involve myself SO much in politics is because I feel like it is a way of controlling what happens to me and Truman's siblings.

I want to fight for them. I want to be pro-active for our future. I want to have a positive outlook and to be hopeful.
But i am starting to see the really ugly, greedy and selfish ways of other americans and it's really starting to effect me.
and it comes back to square one, the day after Truman died.
People who don't know how it feels, don't care, they don't understand and never will. They simply do not care because it isn't them who lives with it.
It is very defeating. I am tired of fighting. If they don't get it by now, they probably will never.

So i need to prepare for if Obama loses. How do i even begin to prepare for that?
To lose all that hope that i got back from after Truman died once i was covered by Obamacare in April? To live in fear again that day one Romney is going to take away my PCIP health insurance?

Set one of our plan to TTC is : keep PCIP.
Once again something that appears to be so far out of my control is in motion.

I don't want to be a political nut. I don't want to have so much invested into what other people think and do with their lives and their votes.
i just want my fucking chance to be a mother to Truman's siblings with health care.
That's it.

Finally: The Clerc Family

It's been far too long since i've blogged.
While busy with the wedding i wrote and then never finished about 3 posts. owell.

here are some shots from my wedding that my friends took and then a link to my professional photographer's page. Like her on facebook! She is awesome!

http://daniellecapitophotography.com/2012/09/laura-jeff-married-big-sur-ca-destination-wedding/

Cutting the pie. I made all the pie/cake stands myself.

I love you every step of the way

Our meal was inspired by our favorite dishes from Key West, New Orleans and Big Sur. Very memorable meal!

Neither of us thought that we would cry... we both did! and everyone else too.

Me and my big brother.

flaunting my dress

Kisses 

 hanging

After everything we ended up having a huge unplanned dance party n the deck. the hair came down and we got down. I love how it all happened in a genuine way. there was no need for a DJ... or someone to prompt us.... we just danced like there was no tomorrow because we were all that happy.

This pic is my brother, Jeff and I.

Walking down the aisle to "Let me call you sweetheart", which is a song that my Opa (grandfather) use to sing to me.

down the stairs at sunset

My Dad and my brother

We felt Truman with us all day. We were so happy and sad at the same time but as you guys know, it's the way life is now.
We had to cancel the lantern send off for Truman because there have been several fires in California.... my florist survived the last Big Sur fire and begged me not to risk it.
Jeff and I love the Big Sur area way too much to ever risk burning it in Truman's name. So we will be putting most of the lanterns up on Oct 15th for the Remembrance day for all of our babies instead!

I'll try to write wedding story details soon!

xo,