Just below the surface

28 weeks.
Something is going on with me that is just out of reach.

On Sunday the lady who performed Truman's memorial service came into my work.
This lady is a bonafide Humboldt weirdo so I wasn't horribly offended when she clearly forgot who I was and started asking questions about if this was my first child or not.
I said no, this is my second son. It still didn't trigger her memory.
She talked about her life, her family member who is pregnant and her dogs and then left.
I found myself thinking about the memorial and how beautiful it was and how much it really helped me process everything that I had happened.

I totally forgot about the interaction.

The next morning I woke up and tears just wouldn't stop coming.
It wasn't that I was sobbing or crying really.... It was just a constant flow of tears streaming down my face.
It's so hard to explain.
This went on for hours and I truly couldn't figure out what brought this on until I mentioned to Jeff that I had run into weird memorial lady the day before. It then hit me that she must have been some sort of trigger.
The timing itself is enough to make anyone weep really. But that must have been it because as soon as i talked to him about it, brought the thought to the surface of my mind, I stopped crying.

Then last night I cried in my sleep.
Down right sobbed for Truman.
Talked about how much I miss him and long for him to 3 women who I have no idea who they are.
I woke up with a stuffy nose and a wet pillow.

This is the first time that I can remember crying in my sleep since the very beginning. Right after Truman died Jeff said I would sob loudly and call for him.

So I think even though I know that this is a hard time for us I still feel a level of detachment from heavy grief. I feel like I'm calm waters on the surface but just below the surface there is a lot going on.

27 weeks

I woke up this morning with grief. I am 27 weeks.
I laid in bed and thought about what 27 weeks meant to Truman and I.
I was emergency flown out of the county at 27 weeks with him.
I had already been pre-eclamptic for weeks.
Once Truman was born at almost 30 weeks, he was the size of a 27 weeker because of his growth restriction.

It kills me that that's all he got in life. Almost 30 weeks in my body and 4 days outside in a plastic box with needles and tubes down his throat and machines.
and the scientist in me is grateful because i know that he would not have made it that far without the medical advancements we have today.
It's just so heartbreaking.

As you know i'm not religious but will be the first to admit that anything is possible and i'm not the one with any answers.
Part of me wonders if Truman knows Remy on any level. Or knew him. Or will know him.
I think about these two boys, these two brothers and I am compounded with grief that they too will be separated, they too will not hear each other's laugh and play and fight and do things that brothers do together.
How do I even begin to help Remy understand any of it once he is able to.

Remy's kicks are very strong and they are the most comforting part of my day.
I hope that he lives a long and normal life and my intuition says that he probably will.
It makes the fact that Truman died even harder to believe.
How the hell did any of this even happen??
How is it that babies die? What is the point of that?
It's such a confusing and disorienting cycle of thoughts and feelings.
I miss my first son, my sweet little lion cub, who had so much courage and strength.
I'm missing all the places and times that are suppose to be filled with him and all of his wonderfulness. I feel the griefs largeness... it shook my foundation, rocked it, broke it up, filled in the cracks and now has settled into the very same foundation of who and what I am. Everything that I am and ever will be is built upon this foundation. It's the sky, it's the horizon, it's the sun and the clouds, it's my heart, it's the colors, it's everything.
and for Remy, I find myself grieving on his behalf. He will never know his older brother. and it breaks my heart that he will be coming into the world already missing someone that should be here.

Remy 25 weeks. With Truman.