how something bad ended up good

On tuesday i started bleeding, again.
I didn't panic.
not because it isn't terrifying but because i have relinquished control. or have been living in the realm of serious possibilities for so long now... that i am a little emotionally detached in some ways. maybe it's a defense mechanism. probably.
i left work, went to bed and by the next day it was gone.

last night the bleeding came back.
it was enough for me to stop and think, huh- twice in one week?
this is starting to seem like a placental issue.
so i called the doctor's line and got the on-call nurse.
and as you all know if you regularly read my posts... the call was pointless because they are inept here.
She was very sweet and meant well, but told me that i could just "relax" and "send positive vibes and love to the baby" or i could go to the hospital.
I pulled the phone away from my mouth and laughed when she said it in her overly caring and zened out tone.
If ONLY sending love to baby would save it. It would fix all of our problems.

Within an hour the blood had progressed to bright red and an amount enough to make me think yes, Houston we are having a problem. Placenta or miscarriage.

I am 12 weeks. 4 days.
Around this time with Truman i had a similar episode although it was different in small ways. I had a low lying placenta with him in the beginning too.

We got to ER which is perhaps the nicest building that i have ever stepped foot in all of Eureka. I felt like i was transported back to the real world... but that didn't last long. It's a friday night in Eureka in the ER... we were surrounded by paranoid drug addicts and mentally ill people. Why isn't someone video taping my entire life? Fiction can not compare. Luckily i triaged right in.

No one, not one of the 6 nurses that i repeated our story to, not the NP, i'm pretty sure not even the ER doctor knew what little c antibody was when they were asking about my blood type.
We were literally educating our care providers at the hospital, awesome.

They put in an IV line and started fluids.
Ran a urine and took some blood.

Our nurse was detached... not in a normal hospital way but in a "this is fun! everything you are saying is great news" type of way. Even though she was totally aware of our history.
She brought in the fetal doppler after proclaiming that she hasn't really used one and literally said "let's play!"
Jeff and I shot each other a look and took a deep breath. Let's not play, because this might be the most not-fun game you've ever wanted to play lady.
I don't think she really thought through how it might make parents feel if she couldn't find the heartbeat.

Of course, Ms. Fun&Games spent about 10 mins trying to find our baby's heartbeat with no luck. Just silence.
I think most people at this point would have flipped the fuck out.
But we didn't.
We recognized that this nurse, at no fault of her own, was ignorant and not capable of truly helping us on any level. and maybe we also just feel pretty defeated constantly since Truman died.
She left the room and Jeff and I waited patiently for the ultrasound tech.

Once the ultrasound tech got there we realize that she was Ms.RuleBook.
She told us that she would not give us a picture of the baby and that we were not allowed to take pictures of the screen. In my head i was thinking screw you lady but i knew that she was coming from somewhere with all these strict rules.
She told us that she can not answer any of our questions, that the doctor will have to do that.

The baby came up on the screen and at first wasn't moving and she wasn't picking up a heart beat.
That's when i started to think, okay this might really be it.
After i sort of let her know out loud that i wasn't seeing a heart rate reading she told me that she had picked one up in the 160's.
At that moment the relief i felt is indescribable.
The baby started moving around and Jeff and I were truly overcome with love and joy for the first time this entire pregnancy without any hesitation.
In that moment, we were together, the 4 of us and we were happy. Really happy.
The baby is SO beautiful and sweet and i really hope that i get more time with it.
It was just this really amazing moment where we were all in sync and realized, any of us could die in a min from now, a day from now, a week from now, whatever... and that will never not be the case. But we just held onto the moment and loved it so much for what it was. and it felt free. it felt strong. it felt amazing.

The tech picked up on our overwhelming joy and loosened up on her strict rules, she spent the next 15 mins just playing, looking at the baby from different angles and just letting us ENJOY the moment. It was by far the best sonogram that i have ever had done. Because it helped me emotionally and she didn't rush. We had time with the baby. and it finally made it real for us in ways that it just wasn't before.

At the end she quietly found it's little profile and printed a picture. She handed it to me and said "I'm not suppose to do this but i know i would have been driving home kicking myself for not just giving one to you. I know how hard it can be, I had fertility problems when trying for my daughter and then she almost died at birth. Just don't tell anyone that you got it from me."

The baby looks very much like Truman. Jeff thinks it looks like a girl. I have no idea.

The doctor came in later and said that i have a low lying placenta and that he doesn't know if that's the cause but if could be. Thanks for the help, bud. We have more first hand experience then this ER doctor so i just will pass the info on to UCSF. The bleeding has slowed but hasn't stopped.

But we walked in worried that we are miscarrying (for the second time this pregnancy) and walked out knowing that no matter what happens we had this beautiful moment that made our heart swell up with love and joy and those are the moments worth living for no matter what happens. I will never ever forget it. We love Truman's sibling, our sweet little rainbow. stay with us little one, please please please, stay with us.

what is it that i really want to say?

I want to speak up to my friends here. I just can't keep quiet any longer.
I am pregnant with baby #2. I am 11 weeks.

Valentine's Day is coming and i've decided that it will be the day that i will announce this baby.
What better day then the national holiday of celebrating love? and this is love at it's finest.

My children.
Still getting use to that.
"My two children."

I've been trying to figure out what it is that i actually want to say to the public of people who don't already know.

How can i possibly explain to them that this is both one of the best things that has ever happened to us but doesn't mean it's our happy ending? because we won't ever have a happy ending if Truman isn't with us no matter how much better things get.
That we are overwhelmed with gratitude and hope but still living with "little c" antibody and pre-eclampsia and prematurity threats?
How do i politely say that i want them to understand where we are coming from even though half of the time i don't even know where i am coming from? half of the time i am bitter as hell that so many of these people are completely and utterly clueless about how complex and far reaching a loss like this is?
How do i tell people who are willing good news from me that we have another obstacle to overcome that ups my chances of miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death without them perceiving me as pathetically hexed?
It's not that i really even care what they think but all of this is sort of ridiculous, i know that, i'm living it. It's fucked up.
How do i get them to understand that there is no amount of organic food or holistic healing and pH balancing or yoga poses that can change my outcomes? How can i make them understand that this isn't on me, that i shouldn't be blamed.
I illogically feel like maybe i am to blame.
maybe i was a horrible person in a past life. maybe i was a horrible person in this one.

What i am truly surprised about is the amount of guilt that this pregnancy has brought up in me. I feel racked with guilt 98% of the time.
and i'm just trying to make sense of this all and find a way of living with it.
because i'm not sure how its going to possibly go away.

I am lucky to have experienced many rainbow babies enter the world through this community and i have watched you all and read along and observed how you have handled it... of course all similar yet all very different in many ways. Either way it's helpful for my level of hope.
I've continued to blog through out this, just never posting my posts... i'll go back now and post them so you guys are in the loop. It's bee hard keeping this quiet when you are a support system to me.

Maybe I'll say something like this? (working this out as i type)

"Truman paved the way. He showed us what heart swelling, ground shaking, ear ringing, gut wrenching love really feels like... the love a parent has for their child. The purest form. We hold him in our heart and miss him every second of everyday.

Today we want to announce that Truman's sibling is on their way. I hold this little one in my body hoping with every inch of me that this works out.

We are grateful to be able to share this news with you but the worry is not over yet. Things have developed along the way... unfortunately things way out of our control, yet again.
Our road has been a long one and even though i tried to prepare in every way possible and even had a false diagnosis of anti-phospholipid syndrome and got the go ahead from the medical team to try to conceive, things have happened.
When i was in surgery with Truman, i lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion in order to survive.
Out of all the blood that i could have received- my blood donor had an antibody in their blood called the "little c" antibody.
From what i understand this is not a common occurrence at all.
Out of all of the antibodies that we could have got "little c" is the possibly very aggressive one that attacks the baby's blood cells until the baby goes into heart failure if titer levels reach a certain point. I have no control whatsoever on the rise of these antibodies.
We found out at 8 weeks along in this pregnancy. Some of you may remember me asking for positive vibes then.... we will continue to need them.
We needed Jeff's antigens in his blood to test negative for this to not be a big deal.... it tested positive. Not the best news but luckily for now my titer levels are low and we want them to stay low(....forever because this will effect all pregnancies that i have from here on out.)
My blood will be tested every few weeks to monitor if the levels rise. This is very stressful. Not because we are worry-warts but because we merely want an alive and healthy child.
Every week is a gift. If things get worse they will start to do intrauterine blood transfusions to try to keep the baby alive.... to me, it sounds like an absolute nightmare/ horror story but i will do anything for this child. Obviously, these measures that will possibly help the baby also involve risk that could end up killing it.
No matter the titer results, this will always be a concern for us in this pregnancy and any other pregnancy... this will never go away and be nothing to worry about.
and we are sad that we had to let go of the thought of having an easier pregnancy then what we had with Truman.
It's just flat out bad luck.
I just want to point out that sometimes people have bad things happen to them and it doesn't make them a leech upon society or not a hard worker or a victim or someone who deserves bad things because they made bad decisions.... it's just life. and ANYONE is susceptible to these unfortunate things, no one is immune. Whether we deserve it or not, this is happening to us. No matter what people think about us and how we handle these stressors, we are the ones living with it and fighting, every single day since July 24, 2011 when my pre-eclampsia started with Truman.

This threat of the little c antibody along with the threat of pre-eclampsia, placental abruption, IUGR and pre-maturity returning means that we are not even close to out of the woods yet... we are taking this step by step and hoping for the best. Taking it moment by moment and dealing with the different feelings as they bubble up. Pregnancy after the loss of a child isn't easy no matter who you are and no matter what you are facing.

I am and have been in constant contact with the specialists at UCSF, the perinatologists that helped us with Truman, and they assured me that they have dealt with issues like mine in the past. I believe at this point i will need to move down to San Fran to be closer to them. The financial and emotional stressors are worth it if we get a healthy and happy baby out of it.

We are thankful for this child every single day that it is with us whether it's for one more day or the next 60 years. We are thankful for Barack Obama who made this child even an option. We are thankful for those of you who voted for Obama and support Pre-existing Condition Insurance Plans- Obamacare. We are thankful to our friends and family who continue to walk this path with us no matter how happy, sad or complex it is.

I wish that this announcement was a typical one that didn't need a 5 page explanation but things are no longer like that in our world. The innocence of getting pregnant and thinking "everything will be fine if i do everything by the book because that's just the way the world works," is completely gone.... but our hope and gratitude isn't and i hope that means something. While we very much appreciate any well wishes and congratulations i do not want to hear "I know everything will work out just fine."
I heard it when i was sick with Truman and the facts are, no one knows how this will work out and I'd rather not pretend to know. We will deal with reality as it unfolds.
We have an added player in the mix with this antibody. Another odd to fight.... so unless you are a Perinatologist, I'd rather not hear what other people think is going to happen versus what is really happening. But we lovingly appreciate any positive vibes, prayers, or well wishes.
Right now things appear to be good and so we will hold on to that - the present moment. We are cautiously optimistic.

This child in no way replaces Truman. This is Truman's sibling, our second child, my second pregnancy. In the child-loss world, any child after the loss of a child is a called a "rainbow baby". The rainbow doesn't mean that the joys of having Truman and the pain/storm of losing him never happened or is "over" in any way. Our rainbow is joyous and hopeful light that we hope stays with us for a lifetime. I want people to understand completely that these are two different human beings and one does not negate the other.

We love Truman and this baby to the end of time, no matter the outcome.
:) and that's what life is all about- Family, Tru love, pursuing your dreams,  and taking risks so that maybe just maybe your dreams can come true."


.......Way too long winded. even baby announcements are complex/complicated!

How about: "I'm pregnant. more shitty stuff happened. you don't get it at all because you don't have a dead child and a body that is back stabbing bitch." ?

I'm having a really hard day, emotionally.
I fell sorry for myself which then annoys myself because i know in certain aspects of my life i am VERY lucky.
I was lucky enough to be put for adoption and get my Dad as my Dad.
I am lucky enough to have amazing friends.
I am lucky enough to have a loving and supportive husband who is really truly good for every inch of my soul.

but this baby shit is depressing.

I just feel the weight of it all today.
The looming blood test in 2 weeks.
2 weeks is such a long time.
the fear of the baby not having a heartbeat by the next ultrasound.
and i just feel like i spent every single day since Truman died- fighting.... fighting to survive, fighting to lose weight and get stronger.... fighting for the election... fighting to find a compitent doctor....just constantly fighting for something.
and i am tired.
Part of me goes to a really dark place of "if this doesn't work out, i'm not sure i'll survive it." and i know it's a lie.
but it's just how i feel right now.
i have survived a lot and i will get through but it's more or less the feeling of.... i don't want my life to just continue to suck majorly in a lot of ways for the rest of my life.
and i just don't know how i'm going to make that happen if this baby doesn't live....
i just find it to be really depressing because all i ever wanted was a big family.
of my own, my own flesh and blood, that i built.

i just feel like a failure.
and i'm mad that the world just keeps marching on. That time does not stop no matter what.
Today at work i watched the people around me buzzing around.
and that's when it really got to me.
They aren't at home with their kids.
They are at work, staying late so that they can get stuff done.
which i get, we live i this kind of world here in America.
but to me, a baby loss parent.... it's like go the fuck home and be with your kids. PLEASE. because if they were to die you would never forgive yourself for thinking this bullshit is that important.
this is just stuff... shit made in china and tedious paper work.... that WILL get done.
It will.
It always does.
If you aren't working in a hospital and you aren't literally saving lives then your job is only as important as you make it.
and so many people make theirs SO overly important.

Here is am stopping at every movement this baby makes and thanking it for being there. Willing my body to let it live a full life. If Truman was alive, everything would be different.

The momma who writes "The Progressive Parent" lost her son today. SIDS they believe.
Send her some love. We have such a community of support here, it'd be lovely to reach out to her during such a dark time for her.

http://www.theprogressiveparent.org/

I've heard that you show sooner and more with second pregnancies.
Well, I'm 9 weeks and people at work are already pointing at my bulging baby bump and asking questions.

----

Jeff and I, our child-less selves, went out to grab a bite yesterday.
The waitress randomly told us that when she went back to grab the menus for us that she almost grabbed a kids menu too.
I saw Truman's toddler ghost sitting in the invisible highchair next to me. It flashed through my mind that maybe in another dimension he is sitting here with us.
and maybe on some level the waitress saw it too which is why she chose to say something. who knows.
but i told her that i am pregnant now so she must have a sixth sense about these things and she seemed to like that.