Missing Truman has not changed.
Waiting to TTC has been hard lately. I feel like the only person who has to wait this long for a rainbow, it sucks.
So i am writing now to inform all of you that I have been doing some self-assessing lately and I think that I have WAY to much invested in this political election.
I am exhausted.
and to be honest, watching Obama the other night during the debates, he is too.
and i do not blame him.
I have so much riding on this election and i wish that he would have stepped up and pepped up a bit to delusional cocky Mitt. But it was very disappointing, the entire thing.
and it made me really sad.
so i started thinking about worst case scenarios.
The reason that i fight so much, talk so much, involve myself SO much in politics is because I feel like it is a way of controlling what happens to me and Truman's siblings.
I want to fight for them. I want to be pro-active for our future. I want to have a positive outlook and to be hopeful.
But i am starting to see the really ugly, greedy and selfish ways of other americans and it's really starting to effect me.
and it comes back to square one, the day after Truman died.
People who don't know how it feels, don't care, they don't understand and never will. They simply do not care because it isn't them who lives with it.
It is very defeating. I am tired of fighting. If they don't get it by now, they probably will never.
So i need to prepare for if Obama loses. How do i even begin to prepare for that?
To lose all that hope that i got back from after Truman died once i was covered by Obamacare in April? To live in fear again that day one Romney is going to take away my PCIP health insurance?
Set one of our plan to TTC is : keep PCIP.
Once again something that appears to be so far out of my control is in motion.
I don't want to be a political nut. I don't want to have so much invested into what other people think and do with their lives and their votes.
i just want my fucking chance to be a mother to Truman's siblings with health care.
That's it.
Health care is a human right. I totally believe that. I believe that everyone should have access to the best health care available, regardless of insurance, and that health care should not bankrupt people or families. It's understandable why you would feel invested in the outcome of the election, but I agree, trying to find peace no matter what the outcome is wise.
ReplyDeleteWe have not been ttc, either, and it has been weird watching so many baby loss blogs turn into pregnancy and rainbow baby blogs. We'll start ttc soon, but in some ways I'm glad that we've focused on really experiencing and going through the grief. I am still so thick in it, sometimes.
<3 love to you <3
Ah Laura. As you know, I don't get to vote in the election. Being on a different continent and all. But every time I hear Obama speak (and I'm a fan already) I think of you and Jeff and Truman and I am cheering him on.
ReplyDeleteAnd of COURSE you want to fight and be pro-active. And Mitt, well he isn't impressing the h*** out of me, that much is certain.
I'm just so sorry. I wish that it didn't rest on politics and the (possible) stupidity of the masses?
And the waiting is so very difficult and watching all those other blogs change, as Suzanne says, is just an additional ache.
Oh just hoping, hoping, hoping for you. So very much. If my vote counted, it would be for your guy.
I too, don't have a vote (being all the way over here on this little land). But I am rooting for Obama so much. I am gobsmacked that your hopes for Truman's siblings rests on a political campaign... It's just outrageously unfair. Having a baby is hard enough - all of us here know that far too well. I wish that the cost of the healthcare didn't need to be a consideration. I can only imagine the extra level of stress that adds.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to wait to try for another baby. I know that now the wedding planning is over, it's probably at the forefront of your mind. And I am just keeping everything crossed that it all falls into place now... that Obama wins, that your health insurance is secure, that you are deemed healthy enough to embark on another pregnancy, that trying to conceive is easy... You deserve this.
And for what it's worth, I don't think you're a political nut - I think you are a mother through and through - and not just to Truman, but to his future siblings too.