Positive.

I had about 2500 decisions to make about various things. every single day since we decided to plan our conception.
Everything seemed to fall into place one day at a time, just to crumble and reconfigure the next.
I made my mind up and even if i was going to change it, again, for me it's a big deal.
From day to day these decisions that I mull over, accept and come to change. Over and over. At least it was movement, even if it was in circles.

I went into the doctor today.
Was greeted by a rude receptionist, waited in the waiting room for 50 mins.
Then was rushed back with a nurse who raced through my check in.
They were making it too easy on me. I had already made another decision! To never come back to this crappy doctor's office again.
After waiting another 40 mins in the quiet and creepily dated exam room, he walked in.
You could tell it was the first time he had looked at my chart since he closed it last time I was there.
He fumbled through the test results and there it was...
a positive.
Not the results that i had expected. How haven't i learned yet to expect the unexpected?
Bummer.
Major bummer.
I had my mind all made up! I was planning on going home and getting to baby making business. and then I'd go back to the doctor who helped me with Truman, come hell or high water! We were going to make it work, it would be okay.
Not so fast, the world bent back and laughed.

I don't get it. I do what I can do to make things better....I honestly feel cursed... but i try anyways....
...... but can i fight genetics?

The positive test is for a confusing and complex disease called "Antiphospholipid Syndrome".
I have it.
The paper marked "IGG- POSITIVE- >30".

The crappy doctor shifted uncomfortably. I was reaching the out limits of his experience.
I could tell when I asked "So should i start LDA at 12 weeks or at conception?"
.... and he gave an apathetic shrug.
then went on to say in so many words "whatever you want... i mean one way, you risk clots/stroke/death... the other birth defects.... so whatever you want to do, good luck."

I left the office with his only piece of advice that may actually be helpful- take one baby aspirin a day, for the rest of your life so you don't have a stroke/heart attack/ brain aneurism/blot clot.
and a diagnosed auto-immune disease.

I am 29 years old and have to take an aspirin a day to ward off heart attacks like i'm some 70 year old chain smoker who eats only red meat? This can not be a good sign for my life expectancy. 

I cried the whole way home.

I don't even know what the hell to do.

I got home and have been reading non-stop since. Trying to figure it all out.
It not only says all the scary stuff that i have mentioned already but also reoccurring Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, infant loss. I almost threw up.

I am sentenced to a multiple loss life?
But blood thinners can help possibly. Heparin and Warafin.
Does that mean that if i would have known about this before Truman, that i could have tried blood thinners and he could maybe possibly be alive right now????

I'm sad. I'm scared. I don't want any more bad news.

I'm reaching out to the perinatologists at UCSF for more help and information on what this diagnosis means.
Back to the beginning of the loop. No idea, confused, scared and clutching on to hope of good news.
Please hope for simple and effective solutions.