Christmas recap

This is officially the only place where i can be real.
People want to hear that i am doing great. That i'm all better.
Or they avoid asking me how i am doing because they don't want to hear how i am really feeling.
Bogus either which way you look at it.
Isolating.
and as time goes on it's becoming more so.

The road trip here to florida was not really the best.
There was a lot of built up anxiety and sadness that once we hit the road poured out, on and off.
we cried, we tried to enjoy ourselves, we had social anxiety, we were frustrated, we talked about Truman.
We usually love being on the road but not so much this time. It was like it was clearly part of the grieving processing. We had to just get through it... and it was not as carefree and enjoyable as it was before we carried this sadness. That innocence  and the freedom that comes with it is gone.
instead of Truman's first Christmas, Truman's first time to his grandpa's house, Truman's first road trip.... everything is our first time without Truman and it all fucking sucks.
and no one gets it besides Jeff. and you guys.

I started this blog as a way to have my family and friends to understand what this was like. As time goes on i am starting to realize that they will never, ever really get it no matter how much i type. Who would want to truly get it anyways?
It must get old for them. I can only imagine what it would be like to be on the other side of this.
But i think i am going to start a new blog exclusively for my baby loss community friends so that i can say what i really need to with out hurting people's feelings.
The facts are, i am a survivor but i am a wounded still. I will never heal. and you baby loss friends are the only people who really understand that.
I know that i may sound ungrateful on some level.... which is not the case. I am grateful. But i now have to put up with people expecting me to put in a facade. a happy face. This back and forth of their expectations of my sadness and my actual sadness is another part of this loss.
My sadness brings them down.
they don't understand and they don't understand how lucky they are to not understand. they don't understand that them not understanding my pain and my loss is hard for me. They don't understand that considering everything, i am doing very well.

Our time here in Florida has been great so far. Very comforting to be here.
until yesterday.
Christmas. nothing can comfort this feeling of loss.
We woke up heartbroken.

I'm being honest when i say that i had resentment towards my Dad and his girlfriend who cheerfully carried on through the day with no mention of Truman's existence.
How could they not bring him up? not want to say his name over and over?
How could they not be sad and missing him like we are?

At one point I said something about how i can't wait until this day is over. My Dad asked why. and i responded by saying that it just reminds me of everything that i don't have. He asked me if he thought it was my attitude that was making me feel this way. and i said "how do you think you'd be feeling if i died this year?"
it didn't respond.

isolation.

you can't make someone get it.
and the thing is, is that my Dad and i are very close. He usually always makes me feel better.
He was with me in the hospital when i had pre-eclampsia. He was there for it all, watching, as my father. Truman's grandfather.

I started typing this all last night and spurred an argument between him and I. He questioned why i felt more comfortable typing to a bunch of strangers instead of finding comfort in my family.
Its as simple as this: I want to talk about Truman. He wants to talk about everything but Truman. Therefore i held back tears all day until i emotionally shut down and stopped talking all together. I don't care to talk about the weather or watch the news.

I can't help that yesterday has angered me. I don't have my baby and it isn't fair.
I can't help that on one else wants to say his name.
I can't help that they may think i'm being bitchy. My silence is not bitchy, it's me keeping my grief to myself and not laying it on other people who don't care to grieve with me.

The truth is everything would be different yesterday and today if Truman was alive.
But he isn't.

thought

My soapbox this evening on life, baby loss, grief, religion, the world, politics, other people--- just needed to get it out...

The more i experience in life, the more i go through, the more i learn.
the more that i live/learn/experience the less that i know.
Things are absolutely abstract.
They are not clear cut.
They are always changing.
Just because you think the world is a certain way doesn't mean that it is. It doesn't matter how dull or exciting or sane or insane your life is. It can switch on you so fast.
Life can pull itself right out from underneath your feet. and everything that you thought that you knew can vanish just like that.
I was not a mother. I wanted to be a mother. I became a mother. I was a mother. I am a mother with no child.
and now... i don't really know what i am other then that because it has infiltrated every single aspect of my life.

Life and politics and war and grief and sacrifice......
If you really "know".... then you know that you don't know.
if you think you know, then you're a fool.

It's a chaotic world.
its a chaotic world with lots of things that us humans build up around it to try and give ourselves a sense of control.

True courage, true bravery, true strength..... that comes when you let go of the control.
Not when you hang onto structure. Structure may be comforting but it doesn't bend.... or barely bends.... and what doesn't bend, breaks.

Because letting go is the hard part. Holding on is easy.

but then again... what do i know?

none of this is easy and none of this makes sense.
What's the point of living life is everyone you know will die? at any age for whatever reason.
(I'm not feeling suicidal, i'm just honestly wondering what the point to all of this is? Is it so chaotic that it's possible that there isn't one?)

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." ~Hermen Hesse