The emotional roller coaster of planning to try to conceive has me worried that I am going to be an emotional basket case when i'm actually pregnant.

I have been SO antsy to to get pregnant. Excited for the most part. Making plans, getting ducks in a row, training my ass off.
Then tonight I laid in bed alone (Jeff's out) and just had some quiet alone time... time with Truman. I listened to music, i thought about him. I closed my eyes and pictured him looking at me with his little hand squeezing my finger. Memories that I hope to have clear in my mind for the rest of my life.

Then is hit me. holy shit.
It won't be just us and Truman anymore. There will be another baby.
and I got sad for second. I started mentally trying to grasp on to what is just the 3 of us. Just like a parent of a living child might. Sad to let go of my "only child". My time with Truman as my only child is cherished no matter what the future holds for our family.
He is my first born.
He paved the way.
I do hope for his siblings and their lives and their health.
I hope his siblings will love, adore him and miss him as much as we do.

Tragedy, anger and old resentment

My friend, Scott, I have known him as long as I can remember.
He was my boyfriend on and off in the 5th and 6th grade. We've lost touch over the years but he will always be a part of my past.

His fiancee and his 7 month old beautiful little girl were in an accident yesterday around 9 am.
A drunk driver hit them and it killed his baby girl.
The driver was already charged with a DWI and after the accident was put on bail and released.

News video

His daughter is dead...

I didn't sleep much last night after the news.
To be honest, it sent my own grief reeling. I just put myself in his shoes. It's close to home. Re-living the loud and deafening anguish of those first few weeks and months.
Makes me sick that Scott has to go through this. I was fucking pissed and no one in particular took my child's life. I can not imagine the anger that he must be feeling... and if it hasn't come yet, i'm sure it will. I am angry for them. and i am so far away from home, so far to do anything to really help besides be one of them many who continue to write to them. Lost in a sea of letters.

The dimensions of losing a child.
it's never ending, far reaching, louder and bigger then you can imagine unless you've lived through it yourself.
The loss seems to be contagious and seeps into every single groove and crack of your life. You lose more then just your child. As if that wasn't enough.

I could go on and on about how much i lost and continue to lose. but there are never enough words.

and you know, people say stupid shit..... this is in the public eye now.... i can not even imagine the volume of stupid shit that people are going to say to them..... makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I just wish that i was there to help them on some level.
what i really wish is that no one would ever have to experience the death of a child again. if only.

For me this has spurred a range of emotions, one being old resentment.
I have this old friend who i think is an asshole. Said person angers me with many of their actions for a multitude of reasons. and they just were flat out not there for me when Truman died.
But when ANYTHING else happens in the community, there that person is, saying SOMETHING, anything, publicly. and it is just a slap in the face, maybe even a spit in the face.

So of course this person is showing concern for this family.... but not mine when it was my time... and it angers me all over again. I am really angry right now and trying to direct it away from this meaningless topic and utter waste of time.
This person wasn't just a friend, they were part of my family. So i just can not even wrap my mind around how person can live with themselves. Seriously. or how they could be so self obsessed/ involved that the death of Truman, an innocent baby, wasn't enough to snap them out of it. To me the only thing that makes sense is that said person has completely lost themselves and their mind. To act with such disregard of the relationship.... of the grief... of the tragedy.
Said person was telling me about how busy they were, just wayyyy too overwhelmed with life to call when T died but you look at their facebook page and there are countless self portraits posing and showing off body parts. Anyone who has that much time on there hands... well it speaks for itself really.
and i put up with that person's self inflicted drama's for so long and when something happened to me that was so painful, they were distant- on purpose for no reason. It's beyond hurtful.
So anytime something happens like this, it brings that back up for me.
But nothing will ever fix it or make it easier for me so i'm not even sure how just ignore it. Now i just have to LIVE with this person constantly insulting me and what we went through. Truman deserved to have words, love and attention just like Baylee does now.

We all need support in the face of such HEART BREAK. I was just missing said person's kids before all of this happened and thinking about the good old times.... and then Baylee was taken way too soon and this horrible situation served as a reminder.... the trauma that I went through and was ignored.
Truman was ignored.
Fuck that.

Tests, tests, and more tests.

This may sound completely reckless of me.... as someone VERY high risk... but i don't want to run anymore tests.
I don't want to lose another baby either.
But what are the tests going to tell me exactly?

No matter what they say i am going to try to have another baby.
I think.

Not sure if i should just tempt statistics and fate and just plunge in without thinking twice or if i should allow the doctors to tell me more scary possibilities...
when the facts are, we don't know ANYTHING. Especially about pre-eclampsia.

all of these tests may help me, they may not....


anyways... i'm waiting on some test results and deciding if i want to continue with more testing or not....
things will continue to unfold.

Obama for Rainbow Babies 2012

relief.
lighter breath.
tears of joy.
restored faith in my peers.
sense of security.

I'm sure most of you know how big Tuesday night was for me.
I spent most of the day, before the results, with my stomach in knots and tears running down my cheeks.
I was just beyond exhausted and scared. I can't imagine how the candidates were feeling. Everyone worked so hard and it had been such a long election year.
The "what if" thoughts were making it worse. I just really didn't know what i was going to do.
But it doesn't matter now.

Because Obama won and I can keep my PCIP Obamacare.

I went for my 3+ mile victory run yesterday and whipped out some great times. I even saw a small rainbow on the way.
Barack really does inspire me as an individual.
He has had many many obstacles, booby traps, racist remarks and people's worst wishes to all overcome. And he has done it with strength and grace.
I never thought a politician would effect me so much on this baby loss journey. It is definitely on my bucket list to personally thank him face to face someday..... he will never know just how much he has helped shape my life and my hope.

After the election Obama gave a speech, not his actually victory speech which was also amazing but this was just a little one saying thank you to young supporters.

Just thought that I would share because I think it shows how much he really does care... and how much he has tried. He just can't hold it all in any more. He is human. and this has been one long road.

When i was pregnant with Truman i joked about buying him an Obama onesie to rock... but it's no joke anymore... any and all of my future babes will be Obama fans... they will be here because of him.
It is really crazy how we all effect each other in this world.

My pre-conception appointment here in town with an OB is on the 16th.
I can not wait to go.
This election gave me a little bit of strength to face this next pregnancy and be brave.
i'll keep you updated loves.

xoxo