FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2012

I ran into the store to grab some paper towels and toilet paper and stopped in the Easter aisle to pick up my favorite... The carmel cadbury eggs.
I was waiting in line patiently with eggs on top of my paper towels which was stacked onto of thetoilet paper.
A very friendly and happy man stepped in line beside me and said, "Do you need a hand with those eggs? Are you a Mom? You must be a Mom knowing how to juggle all of that..."
I felt the weight of the huge jumbo pack of toilet paper in my arms. I felt panicked for some reason.
I just stared at him.
If he even knew the half of it.
I finally muttered, "Yeah, i am a Mom..... kind of."
and the thoughts raced through my mind so fast that the entire checkout process and walk out to the car were a blur gone from my consciousness.
I am a mother, with arms full of toilet paper instead of Truman.
I am a mother who juggles living life after the death of Truman.
I am a mother who when asked if she is a mother, feels like i have been hit with a baseball bat and then stares off deep in thought with a flushed face (and probably looks totally insane or sick to my stomach while doing so).

As soon as i got back home, the tears came.

Yesterday was a year since when we publicly announced that Truman was coming.
What an exciting and happy time it was a year ago.
Crazy how quickly everything can change.

Tru Love and star finger kisses

Jeff and I have known each other for a very long time.

In fact, we met when my Dad started dating his Mom for a short time when Jeff was 12 and I was 15.  It's so funny to think that i probably would never have known Jeff well if it wasn't for our parents. When i tell people this, some people tend to crunch their nose acting like Jeff and I were almost step siblings.... but this just is not the case at all. Our families hung out, that was about as weird as it got.
We did things together and had the best times. After our parents decided that they didn't really want to hang out with each other anymore we kept in touch until college. We sort of drifted a bit for a few years.

When I moved back to my home town after some college in Pittsburgh and Buffalo, I went to a community college for a few classes and saw Jeff there at the orientation. If you know me well, you know that i have a pretty weird memory. I don't remember much but I have these moments where I intuitively know something big is happening and those are the moments that i will remember. Like a memory switch flips on during the pivotal moments in my life. The rest is just a messy watercolor painting of general happenings. Anyways.
I remember seeing him and feeling like it was... something.
Which now i know was a new beginning.
and i was curious and interested because it was not the Jeff that I remembered from years ago.
We talked, we laughed we caught up. From then on we all started hanging out as close friends.
I was in a relationship at the time myself but things we not very happy anymore. I didn't realize how unhappy I really was until I surrounded myself with new, genuinely happy people.
My new circle of friends with Jeff was changing me for the better.

Within the circle is Jeff's ex-girlfriend, Jacquie. Jacquie was Jeff's first girlfriend but since they were so young and shared so many friends, after they broke up it was very natural to still hang out with each other and not have it be weird. She became one of my best friends.
One night, she told me that she always thought that Jeff was in love with me through out those younger years and high school when they were dating. I was like "no way, jose! We all just love each other so much as friends, Jeff would never think of me like that!"
Jeff has always been a musician and Jacquie confessed that when he would play his love songs with his band that she always felt like the songs were written about me. I was flattered but still didn't believe it.

Time went on and I broke up with my boyfriend at the time and a few months later Jeff broke up with his girlfriend at the time.
As we hung out more, my view on Jeff slowly started to change. One night, he kissed me and I knew I had never been kissed like that before. We spent the next week completely hiding away from the rest of the world. I was swept off my feet. The rest is history.

After we started officially dating I would hear sweet things from his friends confessing and confirming what Jacquie had said- that Jeff has always loved me, ever since he was 12 years old. I loved it but i thought it was just them being sweet and trying to make me feel good.

Tonight we got out of the car and we stopped to look up at the huge night sky that was full with so may stars. I watched him as he kissed his finger and stared up into the night sky. Jeff is not a religious person but he has always been a little superstitious about certain things. I hugged him and he told me that ever since he was 12 years old that he has been doing that- looking up at the stars, kissing his finger, and thinking of me. and now he does it for Truman.

This was the first real self-confession on his part that yes, he has always loved me, since he was 12. He always purely loved me and wanted me, even when I didn't know it, when I refused to believe it, when I started to accept it, when I learned to love it and when I figured out that I couldn't live without it. It was such an amazing feeling... feeling that. I am constantly blown away by how sweet he is.
Now he kisses his finger for the our boy, the one he will always want and always wanted and longs for with me.
I just feel so grateful for Jeff.
I may have horrible luck at times in my life but I seriously lucked out with him loving me the way he does.

We have had a lot of bad days in this past year. Truman should be in our arms and no where else. We have come so far in our grief though. We have moments where we are a family, separated physically but not really, somehow..... We were together tonight in the driveway. I don't know if there is an after life but i hope with every inch of me that my boy felt his parents love tonight. Because i did. It was there, all of our love, including Truman's.
Unfortunately, these are the only family moments that we will be able to experience in this lifetime.
So this is me scrap booking that family moment in time. It is cherished.

Us... little. in 1999... crazy.

Jeff shaved

My future husband shaved off his beard yesterday for the first time in about 4 years.
I joke that whenever he does this that i get super excited because it's like I have another boyfriend ;P
But this time, his face, his gorgeous, clean shaven face- made my heart swell up with so much love and... missing.
It's the first time i've seen his naked face since Truman died. I know that Truman definitely took after his looks but now, I see so much of Truman in his face in a whole new way.

It has sent me missing, longing and yearning. Missing the man that Truman would have grown to be. Jeff is such a character, full of laughter, and i am missing the smiling and goofy baby that i know Truman would have been. and Truman as a teenager. My boy- his life only plays out now in my imagination. I wonder what his wife (or husband) would have been like, his kids (if any). Who would those people be that would call out his name with love? What would have his friends been like? Would he have loved to sing like his Dad's side of the family? I am missing the funny stories that he would tell me when he would come home from school. The family trips and adventures. Missing the knowing him at the different stages in his life.

and what do i have to show for the huge love that is our family? That is father and son - mother and son- parents and child? It got me thinking about consolation prizes. I'm sure that weighted teddy bear has brought many bereaved parents some comfort but I think it's just a shitty consolation prize. Your baby died so here is this ugly heavy bear! You can never touch your son's kicking feet again so here are some imprints of his feet. Even pictures seem to mock my feelings. Time has passed. Our family picture- that one horribly lit and poorly taken photo that day Truman was born. I love photos, they have been a huge part of my life- forever. and now all I have is that shitty ass picture to remember? (It's more then many parents have.)
and back then, in the beginning of the grief, I was grasping at all of these shitty ass consolation prizes. Desperate for any way to hold on to him. Funny how I collected all these material items, things that would make me still feel connected to him when losing him hit home so hard that love and the people in your life are the only things that truly matter- not material items. Makes me understand hoarding tendencies that much more. If i could collect everything that ever said his name, typed, written or printed on it, I would.

and i battle back and forth with wanting everyone in the world to know exactly how hard it is to parent a dead child and then thankful that they don't have a clue.
A reoccurring issue with me.... the seriousness of which people do *not* get this. They discuss issues like Beyonce's baby hospital drama or women's reproductive choices in families that they know nothing about (past, present or future) or The Duggar's loss or any of these similar topics. Some have kids some don't. and i just feel like they are all so fucking clueless. Shamefully (or righteously?... both) clueless. I wish i was one of them, holding Truman on my lap, bitching about other people's lives that i have absolutely no clue about.

I guess i'm just having a rough day.

Therapy

Jeff and I went to therapy for the first time last week.
Honestly i think it was a big waste of time. The therapist was very nice/professional but he is not a baby loss survivor. It just wasn't much help at all to talk with him.
Jeff and I haven't been to therapy at all since Truman died and we figured we might try it just to check in with our grief and get some feedback and maybe some pre-marital advice.
Considering everything, we agreed that we are doing amazing. We are very good at communicating with each other. I guess i just wanted some reassurance from each other and a mental health professional that we are doing great and on the right track. But we definitely didn't get that. To me it just felt like we were paying someone to quietly judge us, pick everything that we said apart and drudge things up that aren't really issues. I can't figure out if he was almost creating issues so that we would pay to go back to him for more counseling or if he was really onto something. ?
At one point he told me that he can't imagine that there isn't any resentment from me towards Jeff for him being busy with school. I was almost offended. It felt more like psychological warfare instead of just checking in with each other's grief and emotions.
My anxiety has been pretty good lately. But after that session I was so anxiety ridden for the rest of the evening. I felt way worse then i did before i went there! Which to me seems unhealthy.
We have a follow up this Tuesday and I'm really wanting to cancel the appointment. I'm debating on whether to give it one more shot or not. My gut says that we just shouldn't even bother.

If i ever pursue therapy in the future, it is definitely going to have to be with someone who has either experienced child loss or specializes in it. I have lost my friends, my cousins, my grandparents, my mother... all of which were huge losses.... but this loss is just so far beyond any other loss (in my opinion and experience).  I get way more therapy out of reading your blogs or talking with some of my other child loss friends. We truly live in an alternate plane of existence with the struggles that we face... metaphorically, it's like I woke up in a new life, a nightmare, speaking in a different language and seeing colors that I've never seen before. I can still remember my mother tongue but clear -as-day those natives have a hard time translating/understanding my new way of speaking and just can't see colors that they've never seen before. I can only talk in depth about the colors with the people who have seen it for themselves.

I'm grateful that i have this space to come and connect with you guys. People who get me and what i'm going through (.... unfortunately get what i am going through). Even though i haven't typed much at all lately, this place is such a comfort to me.
I don't need to tell you how isolating and lonely it is in the real world, among non-child loss people.
So i just wanted to stop and say thank you guys for reading and responding to my posts. and for laying out your own feelings and experiences for me to read and learn and heal from.
You guys help me heal and my heart swells when i think about how grateful that i am for you.

Wedding Planning

I need some advice from you guys about my wedding.
We are involving Truman in the ceremony and then again after dinner by releasing flying Chinese wish lanterns as a tribute and a way to include him.
I have a charm with his picture that will be attached to my bouquet.
For the ceremony we are going to have a candle with a picture of him on it and Jeff and i will light it together to symbolize the unity of our family, no matter where any of us are- in life or death.
I am not sure how to word him into the ceremony though.
Also i am looking to see if anyone else has ideas (little or big) on ways to incorporate him into our day.

This is most definitely a celebration, not a memorial, so maybe what i am doing is enough?

I don't know. I guess it will just never feel like enough.