the Big Little c.

Today i got a call from my nurse telling me that my prenatal panel came back with a positive antibody.
Sound familiar? lol
like wtf, right?
Well, turns out, now my body is producing little "c" antibodies. Whatever that even means.
I just can't even believe the back and forth up and downs of all of this.
I can't even read about what any of this even means becasue it all sounds like it was plucked from a horror movie.
Here's the kicker..... my doctor thinks that i got the antibody from my blood transfusion that saved my life when i had Truman. What luck. What are the odds? and what are the odds that as rare as this antibody is, some of the women on line talk about in corelation with pre-eclampsia.
They will be testing Jeff too just incase he is a carrier.

The risks that this antibody brings to the table along with my pre-eclampsia risks... well.... they knocked me off my feet today.

I was SO hoping for a non-eventful and smooth pregnancy. and today i feel like i lost that. I know now that my body is attacking this baby and trying to kill it like it tried to kill Truman. and i am confused on if this is in the same way or a different way or in an accelerated way that this is occuring.
I really don't know much right now.
For being a science-brain, this antibody stuff isn't the most intuituve stuff to figure out.
I'm waiting to hear back from my beloved peri at UCSF and i have an appt next week on the 31st.
So no answers until i hear back.

I am in the bargining stage.
I hope that it was human error. Or someone read the reports wrong, again.
I have never yearned so much for a misdiagnosis.

When i'm pregnant, i am not the emotional type. I become very calm and stoic. In general, i'm not a crier but even less so when pregnant.
I cried today.
I cried becasue i lost a little bit of the hope and innocence that i was so desperately clutching on to that there was even a slight possiblity that this would be an easier pregnancy then i had with Truman.
and i cried for this baby.
not only has it had less celebration and excitement.... it seems to be acquiring more and more odds against it. and it's just heartbreaking.
I feel so bad for it.
I don't want it to suffer like it's brother did.

threatened miscarriage

I have been bleeding for about a week.
Spotting mostly but last night it accelerated to bright red.
Jeff has been a nervous wreck.

Part of me worried.... obviously when i first saw the blood especially.
but truly most of me just sat back and said to myself "okay then this is how its gonna be.... then fine, whatever else it's going to be, whatever. I can handle anything. Jeff and i together can handle anything."

In a way this "threatened miscarriage" has my doctor s calling it, has empowered me.

We are all at the whim of our cells to behave so that we can be ourselves for a while.

I want this baby to live.
But i wanted Truman to live too and wanting and pleading and praying and begging got me no where.
I fully understand that whatever happens- will. and it will be scary no matter what and to what degree it will hurt will depend on how things pan out.

Some of the people that know that i am pregnant are expecting me to be alot more high strung, emotional and freaked out than i am. I can sense it by what they say and how they say it. but i don't know how to break it to them that really, i have this covered.
Because i know more then anyone how little control i have.
I know what the worst possible sceanario is.
and i am want it more then i am fearful of it.
my pregnancies will never be normal. the innocence is gone.

at times i feel like i have even blocked true frear from entering my mind.... maybe i am protecting myself on some level. But there is a TON of acceptance with this pregnancy.
What will be, will be.
I will do everything that i can do for this child.
and i will continue to evaluate how to take each step for this child.
My instincts are telling me that for right now, this child is fine.

Tomorrow is our first ultra sound.
I hope to see a heartbeat and some reassuring news.

1/4

I want the support of my baby loss friends so much right now.

We know this family through mutual friends. Jeff has bonded with them a lot over the past few months and begged me to go over to their house with them for dinner.
They are really a lovely family.
But they all heave legit hearing problems.
So they all SCREAM. Very very loud.
It's kind of funny really. I heard the mother/wife reading the littlest one her bed time story after dinner.
Screaming, " AND THEN THEY REACHED THE CASTLE..."
lol how relaxing.

For me, this pregnancy, i feel FRAGILE ..... and calm.
and i NEED calm. Majorly.
But i really had no idea what i was getting myself into with this dinner.
So as i sat there and had a grown woman screaming, an 11 year old screaming over her and a 5 year old screaming over both of them.
Needless to say i became internally overwhelmed.
I just wanted to go home and lay down but didn't want to seem rude so i just struggled through the evening.
As the night went on i became more and more uncomfortable.
Everything in my body was telling me to leave and just hide and hibernate. Get away from the stressors.
I finally got Jeff to leave without seeming rude and desperate to get out of there.
I feel bad because they are really lovely (LOUD) people. i am just in way too sensitive of a space right now.
So we get home.
I go to the bathroom and i am spotting.
Jeff panics. I stay calm and just have been bed resting it since.
I called the doctor and they just are not reassuring at all. They said they think its nothing to worry about.
Great, like i believe anything that they think anyways.
Sorry i just do not trust the medical community up here any more.
they are clueless unless everything is going perfectly.
I have just basically accepted that i am geographically in the worst possible place in ALL of america to have high risk pregnancy.
But they aren't going to be able to do anything to help me not miscarry anyways.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week.
First one.
and part of me is already preparing myself for bad news just in case.
I REALLY wish that i could be excited about this baby. But i already feel like i am clutching onto it for dear life.
Willing it to live.
and it's hard to be excited when you are just begging your uterus every day to co-operate and not be hostile.

I'm not sure if it was just the internalized stress of being in that household.
Or if it was me over exerting myself in any way.
Or maybe it is the fibroid?
I just don't know. and they don't either.

I'll be emailing my peri at UCSF, of course.

All of you know how not-religious i am. I am finding myself praying/ begging for this child. Mostly i am asking Truman for help. I just really want a smooth pregnancy and delivery and life with this baby.
I am tired of fighting so hard. and obviously i will continue to. that's what we do. the bereaved, we are tired and we keep fighting. but i just really would love a little extra help through this process. and i'm just not sure how to get it.

Today i talked to Jeff about announcing again. He is so much more private then i am when it comes to this pregnancy after loss stuff.
I need the extra support and i want so badly to tell everyone and go public. For me, i think it will help me to celebrate this little life growing inside me. Truman taught me so much about life. and every single day with this child is a GIFT. and i appreciate it deeply. So that is what i am focusing on instead of the fear of miscarrying. Anything can happen. I knew this going in. I just have to be thankful for right now. and right now that little soul is growing inside of me as far as I know. A universe of cells diving and hopefully everything is going well.
I beg my uterus to be kind and to accept this child and it's placenta.

In the meantime, i'm trying to respect Jeffrey's needs for privacy and my need to vent and type my way through it all.
I know many people would just say things like "You just need to stay positive" ... and all that. Well obviously.... but you, my bereaved friends, get how much more it really is. You can be positive and realistic at the same damn time.

So for the meantime i'm on self-diagnosed bed rest.... until I go back to work on Sunday. Good thing I gave my boss a heads up early that i pregnant.