what to do, what to do

Today was a really tough one for me. The past few days have been.
Nothing new or profound to say. Just another rough day that i plowed through.
Truman was definitely with me today. In every little way.
and the little bumps and nudges that the universe sends me in it's own way has ben saying... "you are ready to start taking steps to give Truman a sibling."

I get scared. I get overwhelmed. I think of Truman and i miss him so much and my heart aches and breaks like it does everyday, for him. I just want him back.
and so i go through the whole thought of getting pregnant again,
and how much worry and work it's going to be,
and then i think, but that baby will not be Truman, i am never getting Truman back.
and the completely obvious thought takes a moment to digest and understand that I will be willing another child, completely different from Truman, into this world, and anything may happen. It could end the same, it could end differently, i have no idea.
but i still want him.
even if i have 500 more babies.
I still miss him.
my heart still breaks and aches every single day with out him.

I go through all of these thoughts and emotions within seconds.
then i'm back to 'holy shit i don't want to die, or become disabled and leave Jeff to fend for himself in this fucked up world'.
I am so scared to die.
and then as soon as the fear sets in... someone will say something like, "Gotta do it while you are still breathing." or "Gotta try while you have the chance."or "You'll never be this young again." or "You could be hit by a bus between then and now."
you get the drift.
and i  just think to myself, yeah, this is it. If i die giving birth to my children, at least I was brave and my love for them made me courageous. I wanted them that much that i braved it all.
I'm living my life and trying while i still can instead of just being paralyzed by fear. right?

So here is the kicker.
Like I've said before, I need Obama to win this election so that I can keep my preexisting condition insurance plan through his Obamacare.
I can probably start TRYING getting pregnant in January.... IF i could find a MFM or perinatologist here in the area... but SURPRISE, this is fucking Humboldt county and the medicine here is a literally a joke... they don't have a single one! Closest one is 6 hours away :)

So i asked around and there is one OB that is good with "high risk stuff". His reviews online are only horrifyingly terrible 50% of the time. Not very comforting.
I think i'm going to make an appointment just to talk with him and see what he is all about.
Still though.... it's not comforting enough for me.

Or, i could call the MFM's and perinatologists that I worked with when i had Truman in San Fran and see i they would be willing to do a long distance (6 hours away) thing with my favorite doctor, Dr. Hoopman, here in town. I have a feeling this is a loooong shot.

But i really don't want to have to wait to try until we leave here. this waiting sucks. the earliest that we would leave here is May but i think August is more realistic.
For multiple reasons, i probably SHOULD wait. I mean, who wants to move while pregnant!? No one.
and that way i can be settled somewhere else and find a good doctor and not up here in hicksville having less then mediocre care.

I am trying to plan this out so that Jeff is not in grad school (starting Spring/Jan of 2014) when i give birth.

If i get pregnant in Jan then the baby would likely come in August/September/October depending on if the pre-eclampsia shows up or not.... and if i get pregnant right away.  That means if the baby needs to spend some time in the NICU.... we have some months open to help each other before he starts back up at Grad school in January.

So LOTS to think about and consider... am i ready to hurl myself into all of the risk and just see how it pans out, or should I just wait it out? Either way this next pregnancy is going to be scary no matter what. WHEN to start trying is that major question? What if it takes me a year to get pregnant? or longer? then none of this will even matter. Lots of plans to consider just to give my brain the sense that i have a pinch of control in my own destiny will unfold with this... which we all know all to well how little we truly have.

All of this to worry about and consider and my life STILLLLLL hangs in the balance with this F'ing election. For all i know all of these options may not even be options a month from now. Nov 6th can not come fast enough.

The newly wed life has been amazing.
Missing Truman has not changed.
Waiting to TTC has been hard lately. I feel like the only person who has to wait this long for a rainbow, it sucks.

So i am writing now to inform all of you that I have been doing some self-assessing lately and I think that I have WAY to much invested in this political election.
I am exhausted.
and to be honest, watching Obama the other night during the debates, he is too.
and i do not blame him.

I have so much riding on this election and i wish that he would have stepped up and pepped up a bit to delusional cocky Mitt. But it was very disappointing, the entire thing.

and it made me really sad.

so i started thinking about worst case scenarios.
The reason that i fight so much, talk so much, involve myself SO much in politics is because I feel like it is a way of controlling what happens to me and Truman's siblings.

I want to fight for them. I want to be pro-active for our future. I want to have a positive outlook and to be hopeful.
But i am starting to see the really ugly, greedy and selfish ways of other americans and it's really starting to effect me.
and it comes back to square one, the day after Truman died.
People who don't know how it feels, don't care, they don't understand and never will. They simply do not care because it isn't them who lives with it.
It is very defeating. I am tired of fighting. If they don't get it by now, they probably will never.

So i need to prepare for if Obama loses. How do i even begin to prepare for that?
To lose all that hope that i got back from after Truman died once i was covered by Obamacare in April? To live in fear again that day one Romney is going to take away my PCIP health insurance?

Set one of our plan to TTC is : keep PCIP.
Once again something that appears to be so far out of my control is in motion.

I don't want to be a political nut. I don't want to have so much invested into what other people think and do with their lives and their votes.
i just want my fucking chance to be a mother to Truman's siblings with health care.
That's it.