Dreams of Dolphins

The other day I woke up quickly and as my eyes shot open the images of Truman dying flashed through my mind like the replay button.
It was like the thoughts had been trying to make their way into my dreams and were unable.
They were such strong images in feelings that I was over come with emotion.

It made me think about dreams that I used to have.
I have always had a deep connections to dolphins. I had vivid dreams about swimming with them and interacting with them, showing my friends them, etc. Usually always so happy and calm or full of fun and laughter.

My favorite baby dolphin in the Keys.

I have been studying these beautiful creatures since I was about 8 or 9.
When a baby dolphin dies or is still born the mother pushes her baby up to the surface to try to get her calf to breathe and will do this for hours and sometimes even days until she is completely and utterly exhausted.
They try with everything in them to get their babies to breathe.
If you have ever seen a dolphin display this behavior, it is absolutely heart breaking.

I know a dolphin in the Florida Keys that this happened to.
When one of the dolphin's "people" finally approached her after she had been swimming frantically for 24 hours, she swam over and threw her baby at the woman, almost saying, "I've tried so hard, my baby is dead, please take her."
I get choked up just thinking about this.
Its something that has always broken my heart about these wildly sensitive and loving animals.
When I was in the beginning of my pregnancy, I had repetitive dreams of this happening. At least 1-2 times a week.
I told myself maybe it my fears of losing what I love because I am familiar with loss.
Now, I look back and I wonder, was that my mind warning me?
Did my body and subconscious on some level know that the worst was going to happen and wanted to prepare me on some level? (which being prepared isn't possible really but i don't know).

I follow, how the dolphins are doing usually. This year, they had an outrageous amount of miscarriages, stillborns and infant deaths. Adult and baby dolphins have been washing up in abnormally high numbers.
The gestational period is about 11 months. Scientists started noticing the high numbers in death about 9 - 11 months after the Gulf oil spill. They have run many tests much of which they won't release to the public. But I don't need to test  results.
To me its common sense.

So i guess this is another something that connects me to my love for dolphins. They know loss. They know suffering. They know captivity and human greed and still meet us with a smile and a sense of curiosity.

Since Truman died, I have not had any dolphin dreams at all. I miss them.
More then the dolphins, i wonder when and if ever, i will dream of Truman.

Plans for this winter are for Jeff and I to head back down to the Keys and I hope to meet up with some of my old dolphin friends down there.
xo

 His Mom.

A momma teaching her baby manners.

Baby by his mother's side.

She looks proud in this picture.

Looks like he's swimming through a sea of stars.

Peek- a- boo friend.

Happy Birthday to Jeff

I know a man.
He loves beets. Carharts. Warm sweaters that his mama knits him. The banjo and old tyme music. Snorkeling. Swimming. Hockey. The Buffalo Sabres. Gin and Gingerale's. Making home made Tru Jam (raspberry or fig jam). Gardening. Quilts. Antiques. Wild life. Trees and plants. His woman ;)
He builds unique and beautiful custom bookshelves.

When we lived in the FL Keys.

On our porch in the Keys.

Snorkeling at Bahia Honda State Park, FL Keys

Our favorite bar in New Orleans, Fritzel's

In the Bayou, we love the south

In the Arizona, one of our stops

The Sand Dunes at Mad River Beach, California

Water love. One of my favorite pictures of us.

We love the ocean.

Our family before Pilot and Truman.

Freddy's wedding.

His FIRST bookshelf... 

an Eco friendly peg and hole type shelf, not one nail was used and no glue!

He makes me proud

All filled up!

Jeff and his amazingly awesome mother, Gail

Watching the sunset, thinking of Truman.

He is a sweet, caring, creative, loving, thoughtful, super funny, brave and strong father to our Truman.
Tomorrow is his first birthday as a father, his first birthday without his child, all in one.


His mother sent him a photo album full of picture of his life from birth until now. As i admired the love captured between him and his mother and flipped through his old memories, tears rolled down my face.
It wasn't just the sweet and cute baby pictures, it was the awkward and goofy teenager pictures too. How fun it was to be young, innocent, full of hope. All of that life offers you before you know what it feels like to lose a child.
The tears just wouldn't stop.
i was crying for Truman and I was crying for us.
Truman looks so much like Jeff. Which is a gift. I get to see parts of my son every day in my handsome partner. Looking through that album I saw both of them in each picture.
"I'll never get to send Truman a photo album like this," I thought to myself.


I am so grateful for my Jeff. I want to celebrate his existence in every way that I can. He gave me true love and he gave me Truman. and everyday he gives me comfort knowing that, yes, we have suffered a huge loss together, but I can always count on him for support, tons of the best love that I've ever known and a really really good hug.

Happy Birthday to mine Jeff. Even though you will probably never read this because you hate the computer, I want to tell the world that you are the best partner and father that any girl could ask for. We love you. xo

Spoken word Round up

Eeeeekkkk! It is so weird to talk to a computer and then watch yourself talk! lol
I really wanted to participate because I LOVED seeing all of your faces and hearing your voices. It helped me connect so much more to you ladies. You really are real ;)

Since Truman died in August, I didn't have a ton of blog options, no one blog that really stood out.
So its morning, I'm sleepy and waiting for the coffee to brew and decided to give this Spoken Word a shot. Definitely emotional to read it out loud.




If you want to join in this Round Up, check out Angie's Blog here.

Halloween Designs

I went on a photo/design rampage tonight, it always makes me feel better to create something. Makes me feel close to Truman.
Here are some of the designs/photographs that are Halloween /Fall inspired. I hope you enjoy them.
Love.

Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday. Has been for years. I'm more of a Halloween, New Years, 4th of July kind of girl. Thats when I really celebrate.
Since the day that I found out that I was pregnant with Truman I have been thinking of him on Halloween.
I spent hours thinking of cute and funny costumes for a new born.
Jeff's birthday is the 28th and at my most optimistic moments, I wished that their birthday's would be close together.
Thats way before my instincts told me that this baby was coming early.

The old me would have been at the 7 day festival in Key West, Florida called Fantasy Fest partying my face off. It you haven't heard of it,  it really is the best thing that you can do on Halloween.

But now Truman is gone and who i was is gone too.

This year I am storing up my social reserves for a one night out with some friends. We are all going as a group theme, "Alice in Wonderland".
While I was looking through costumes a newborn costume came up on my search.
A little orange caterpillar costume.
adorable.

I closed my eyes and pictured me in my Alice costume, Jeff in his White Rabbit costume holding Truman in his precious orange caterpillar costume.
I get teared up just thinking about it now.

Jeff told me that he had thought about his birthday, too, a thousand times.
All he wanted was to go for a walk with Truman. That's it.
Sounds so simple. But isn't at all anymore.

I guess as October, the month that our baby should have arrived, comes to a close we both are thinking about everything that we should have.
Our mutually favorite month and time of the year was once marked with excitement and hope and now its marked with sadness, deep disappointment and a sense of longing for our boy that we will never hold in a caterpillar costume.

neighborBeth and morning breath

While I was pregnant with Truman, my new neighbor, Beth, came over to chat with her two kids and two dogs.
She is a super nice woman. Tall, very lean, long curly brown hair and sleeves tattooed on her arms.
She told me about her first son who had passed away of Cancer after only 4 years of age. I listened to their story and remember feeling like she was a very strong woman to suffer the way that she did.
She ended the conversation with, "I don't want to scare you." While looking at my big pregnant belly.
and I said, "No, you aren't, I want to hear about your son."
and we left it as that.

Truman died and I have thought about my neighborBeth a million times.
In fact, i've been avoiding her.
I just wasn't ready to say to her, "My baby died too."
I seriously have been a little ridiculous in trying to avoid a run in with her. and I can laugh because I did just write an entire piece on people's avoidance in wanting to deal with the loss that we have experienced.
Even I want to avoid it at times and certain instances.

If you know me well, you know my luck.
I had a hard night last night. Woke up at 1130am to my dog Pilot begging to go outside.
My hair is ball of tangles and my teeth certainly are not brushed.
I stumbled outside and let the dog play in the yard while made my way to the end of the driveway to get the mail.
I looked up and there was neighborBeth walking straight for me.
I  instantly started to sweat and felt myself get shaky from the emotions rising up in me.
She looked so hopeful and excited to ask me, "Where's your baby? Do you have him?"
We met in the street, stopped and teetered together in sadness as I explained that Truman died and the how's, where's and why's.
She cried.
It was painful and uncomfortable. Mostly because I knew that my dragon breath was probably not going un- noticed. Such is my luck. I knew that I would see her while I was un-prepared and boy was I ever. Hot mess.
She had expressed how creepy UCSF was and I agreed. Her son died there too. She agreed that she would never go back there. They just did not live up to how great they claim to be (for kids and babies).

She told me to stop over anytime and that we could go for a walk and chat together.
I am so glad that I was forced to face her and there doesn't have to be anymore avoiding. Well, maybe she'll avoid me and my dragon breath after that impression, lol.
I'll definitely brush my teeth and run a brush through my hair before I see her again, thats for sure.

missing you designs.

My letter to Truman.

It really is crazy how different I feel now that my Due Date has passed and October is almost over.
I was in such a dark place.
My life is starting to open up a little bit, I feel like the skies are becoming a little bit brighter and the heavy weight of grief lightening up as well.
A part of me knows that I am holding onto the grief as a way to hold onto Truman. I am trying daily to loosen my grip and let go a bit.
That being said, I know that I will never be the same. Everything has changed.

I'll always miss him, I will always be his and he will always be mine.

I wanted to blog the letter that I read to him at his memorial that we had on the 15th.

"Dear Truman,
There really aren't enough words to explain how bright you are in our hearts and how much you mean to us.
You were all I ever wanted or needed.
There is so much that I wished for you, and for us.
There is so much that I don't understand about why this happened.....

I do know that we loved each other. I know that you knew who we were. I felt that when you opened your eyes and looked into mine once you heard my voice.
I think about your hands holding onto our fingers, your soft hair and your sweet little feet. I miss you so desperately. This is by far the most unfair thing that has ever happened to me and a part of me will always be missing without you here. You should be with us, there will never be a reason good enough that you are not.
I can not get over how sweet you were. I don't think I ever will. I love thinking about the last time that I saw you alive. You gently rubbed your feet on my hand. You were so unbelievably affectionate for how small you were. Those three days with you were the best days of our lives. You are the best thing that ever happened to us.
I love you for everything that you were and everything that you could have been to this world.
There is so much that we will miss out on together and I am certain that I will be thinking about you at each and every moment when you should be there with us, living life.
I first felt you move inside of me at 9 wekks. Which is very early for a first pregnancy. Looking back, I am so grateful that I could feel you so early on. Everyday with you was a gift.
I loved that you loved the banjo and would get so active when your Daddy would play for you.
I couldn't get enough mangoes or blueberries when I was pregnant. I wonder if when you would have been older if those would have been your favorite too. There are all stories that I wishI could tell you over the years.
Every year that goes by I will be wondering what you would be like, what you would have looked like, and what sort of adventures you would have been making.
We had such hopes and dreams for a life together. Although you are gone, I will forever have a relationship with you, my dear son. I will always feel that you are missing. I will always wish that you were with me.
I'm not sure what happens after life but I do know that every inch of my soul wants to see you again, hold you, protect you and take care of you. I do hope that you can hear me and are always with me.
I want to thank you Truman, for teaching me how powerful a mother's love is. For changing my life. For being part of it. For making me a mother, for making Jeff a father and our parents, grandparents. For being a joy to carry. For trying as hard as you did. For teaching me how brave and strong even the tiniest people can be. For making me proud. For teaching me how huge the love between mother and son is.
You lit up my life.
I will always be loving you, thinking about you and missing you until the day that I die.

This poem reminded me of you and I read it to you once when I was pregnant.
I love you, my sweet Truman, forever.

'i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)'"

A guest post from SG : "Innocents"

SG wites a blog called, "Another Baby Lost Mother". I loved the way that she wrote this and she was gracious enough to let me guest post her post.

"Innocents"

"'Innocents" - finally, the I have the right word to describe people whose lives have not been touched by tragedy.   I found it in the book "Losing Malcolm" (highly recommended).  Since losing Elizabeth I have become very aware of innocents in our lives, in their different incarnations:

Some innocents sent a card or flowers and then turned away from our grief because it was unfathomable to them.  I understand.  I was an innocent like that once upon a time.

Some innocents are charming in their naive optimism and failure to think others might have suffered tragedy.  These are the acquaintances  in our lives who saw us months after Elizabeth's death, when there were clearly no baby-ish clues about us and asked cheerfully how the little one was doing.   These are the pregnant women who glow with the innocent belief that babies don't die in our modern society.  They are sweet and mean well.  They even make me a little nostalgic for when I was more innocent.

Some innocents mistakenly believe they have suffered tragedies.  I know they just want to connect with me, but please please please don't act like the death of your 80-year-old grandmother is in the same league as the death of my 3-month-old baby girl.  Generations are supposed to die in a certain order.  Death of a loved one is sad, hard, and life-changing, yes.  Not always a tragedy though. 

Some innocents are obnoxious in their belief that tragedy will never happen to them because it hasn't  so far and because they are responsible people.  They often ask subtle leading questions trying to figure out where we did something wrong on the way to Elizabeth's death.  Or they make breezy statements like, "our children's births are quick and easy" - yes a 9-month pregnant mother of two said this to me recently.  And she knows what happened to Elizabeth.  Cord accidents don't scare her because, well, her children's births are quick and easy, didn't you hear?  These people make me see red.  They make me feel judged and marked.  Maybe I'll call them "ignorants" instead of 'innocents.'" 


Check her blog out : http://anotherblm.blogspot.com/

Babies at the Brewery

I was at a restaurant ( a Brewery to be precise) last night with Jeff and our friend Brian.
I swear, ever since Truman died, there are babies in my face all of the time. Last night, even Brian noticed by saying, "What the hell? Is it baby night or something?"
I was eating and I look up, and over Brian's shoulder is the biggest happiest baby face staring and smiling directly at me, slung over his grandmother's shoulder- who happened to be sitting right behind Brian.
It was such a huge slap in the face, one that almost shocked me, surprised me for sure. I almost threw up all over the table right then and there.
The grandmother turned around and looked at me and i looked away, unable to make eye contact. She picked up on it. Probably thought that I was rude for not smiling at her grand baby.
When their meal was over, she stood up and held the baby out towards Brian and Jeff and said "Byyye Byeee" in a baby voice.
Who does that?
Who literally shoves babies into the faces of other people?

I really do wish, on so many occasions, that there would be sign that would light up over our heads saying "Our 3 day old son just died."

Religion.... YUP, i'm going there.

A few weeks ago I got the chance to vent about all of this to a friend. It was needed and felt great.

I think its important to let people know that Religion can indeed hurt my already devastated feelings.

I'm not sure if any of you other baby loss mom's have felt this offended after your loss, but i certainly do.

What it comes down to is keeping your religious beliefs quiet and personal.
Because to me this is offensive: "If Jesus Christ is in your life and your lord and savior then good things will happen for you." It is implying that my lack of faith is the reason my baby died. and that is messed up, judgmental and not loving.
It's just not helpful on any level.

Here is what I wrote to my friend who was kind enough to let me vent.

"I am definitely in the anger stage of my grief, I have been trying to control it. I am in no way mad at you or angry with you. I am just very very sick of hearing about God all of the time from people. I honestly wish that it was a word that never existed.
There is comfort, a peace that people have when they believe in God. Like you mentioned you believe that it will be worth it.
I really respect your views, I am grateful that they bring you comfort but I can not believe them. Not for a second. This will never be worth anything, its that bad. I don't care if there are unicorns and rainbows and an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness for eternity, it still won't be worth it. Truman and I suffered way way way too much.

If there is a man that could have somehow helped me and chose not to, a man that purposely did this to me for a lesson of any kind, did this to Truman and to Jeff and my Dad and my friends, he is not something that i will ever find comfort in. To me it is straight up evil in disguise. I do not see any of it as all "loving." He heard prayers form so many people, it doesn't matter how much you pray, things will unfold as they will, you will get the same results if you pray to rock, or Santa Claus. He should have known that I was always a grateful and joyful girl, one that didn't need a lesson like this in anyway. the only lesson I have learned is that there is no way that there is a loving God. 

If there is an after life, and I do get to see my son again, I still will never see it as worth it, ever. I don't care how rocking Heaven or Hell is. I want my son in this life, with me, safe and sound and protected. and the time that we had to be apart will always be senseless. Especially because if God made this world, including its suffering, and he has the will to give mercy and he doesn't.

"Is God willing to prevent Evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able or willing?
Then why call him God. - Epicurus

I have to be honest with you, a lot of people have been writing me with advice and words of wisdom to try to help me through this, all of which I appreciate very much. I know that it comes from a good place.

There are levels of understanding. The nicest thing someone can say to me is the truth, that they have no idea how it feels, like you did. You know how you feel, and you said that and someone who has truly suffered knows to say that. 
You would be surprised how many people lead on that they know what i'm going through, that they have found the wisdom that I should follow to get me through this. and it has been very hard to read, almost like they think this is easier then it i really is or something, they aren't meaning to, but in a way they are down playing how absolutely insane a situation like this is. Because even a woman that has lost her child in a similar way to me still won't understand completely. Its the nature of a loss like this, there is way too much that went into it, layers and layers of things that happened, that went wrong, my personal life experience, my family and support system situation, the stress, the pain,, the disease, the panic, Truman's condition and reaction to help, the reactions to it alll. 

But being 3,000 miles away from your support system, your family in friends, is a VERY significant thing, one that most of these people over look. I am isolated physically, literally. That is very very hard for people to understand. I am not in driving distance, I'm not even in "There's an emergency, I have to get a flight home in a reasonable amount of time" distance.
Losing Truman has resulted in us losing friends because they can't deal.
That coupled with the nature of how severe my disease was and how that all went down. 
and being motherless.
and then speaking with other people about my loss. I'm trying to connect with people and all I get a quotes on God that make absolutely no sense to me.
It would be like if you tried to connect with me about your mother and I kept saying that the reason for all of it was the color yellow and someday it will be worth the absolute misery because of the color yellow. That the strength that I find to get out of bed comes from Yellow. That is how abstract it sounds me. and it would be like you seeing things about Yellow and hearing about Yellow all of the time and wondering why everyone else isn't questioning this whole Yellow thing like you are.

I am living proof that there is a lot of anger that comes with losing a child and there is no where to direct it. It just kind of wafts around until it lands on something that doesn't deserve it in the least. I can not even describe how much anger I am pushing down every day. When I see these quotes all over pinterest and facebook and the baby loss forums and they make the anger increase. I do feel that people throw Christianity in other people's faces, if there were just as many posts about atheists, it would offend a lot of people. They don't care for one second that they offend other people, how Christian is that? its not thoughtful and its not kind.
I do not want the promise of answers. Because they will never come. Promises are often broken. If people can hold on to the hope and comfort that they get from God then I give them credit. They are much luckier then I am. I do believe that with the more pain that life brings that they will start to understand my questioning more and more.

Me losing Truman will never ever be worth anything but the pain that I carry. The pain will never be worth anything other then what it is. The strength that I find to keep fighting to live comes from me, not God and that strength is kind of over rated. I am a mammal, a selfish creature that has instincts in place to survive this brutal world. I have two choices, either give up, go crazy possibly spend my life hospitalized or kill myself OR choose to try to heal and try to meld with our society. Those are everyones options pretty much. I want to see my son again more then anything and i wish so much that the whole after life thing made a pinch of sense to me. But i am not willing to praise out of fear of what else horrible may happen, or praise because i'm afraid of hell or not seeing him again."

~~~~~~
Most of the time, I am surrounded by people who are respectful with their beliefs. But sometimes not. Sometimes, depending on the tone used, "I will be praying for you." is chock full of pity and ego. 

Maybe I'll start responding with "I feel so sorry for you that you have to hold on to these silly beliefs in order to find the strength to live your non-tragedy stricken life."

I know a woman who lost her son in his twenties, I was friends with him. I belong to a grief group called "Grief Beyond Belief." Its a safe haven for me to go and not have to hear offensive things. Well, this woman, joined the group and then attacked us. Saying things like if you don't believe in God then what is the point of living? and all sorts of degrading questions that she didn't really want to hear the answers to. she was just mad. I felt like she was mad because people not believing what she believes, somehow took away the only thing that is keeping her going. The thought of seeing her son again. and in her mind, if she can't, then what is the point of living this life.

I am way more grateful then that. Can you imagine? I am more grateful then a God loving woman? I don't need a promise of anything. Life, its still worth it. If they don't have the promise of something, then all of a sudden it isn't worth being kind? thoughtful? gracious? loving?

This group is the ONLY grief group like this. There are thousands of religious grief groups. 

Every day, I am surrounded by women who believe. and I feel like we are completely two different breeds. We are all in the Horrific Baby Loss Club but the differences where religion and beliefs are concerned make us all so different. I listen to so many women talk about their loss with their religion intertwined into the conversation and I just have to keep quiet. Because I would NEVER want to take their sense of peace away from them. They are lucky to have it. and its called RESPECT. 

But I am not allowed the same luxury of expressing myself openly and not thinking twice about effecting people. I can't ask them honest questions with out taking away their comfort or making them defensive.

That woman who came to my Group and started attacking us, she has lost a child, and she attacked the one thing that I found peace and comfort in. It really did hurt my feelings.

I am at the point where I am so frequently offended that I have built up anger and I may be offending other people by bringing this topic to light.

If that is the case, I am very sorry. I am willing to listen to any thoughts, take responsibility for my words and respond appropriately.