There was a day in my life, this time last year, that i woke up and he was with me still. Again, with the constant feeling of being surprised that any of this happened at all.
Tomorrow will be another day, that he was with us.
Just these two days feel like time is slowing down a bit and allowing us to absorb this a little.
I was a mess leading up to his birthday.
The weirdest part about it all is that at times i felt numb, not much emotion at all but tears would run down my cheeks or well up in my eyes. Pouring out whenever they had a quick minute.
I would look in the mirror and catch glimpses of his face in mine and just ask myself how the hell did this happen?
Shocked all over again that i had a boy, who was mine, who looked like me, who loved me, who kicked me, heard me, saw me, touched me and he is gone now.
i think about his time in the NICU and i think that he waited for me too. I was waiting for him to get stronger. I just hope that he never felt like i abandoned him while he was in there and i had to be away from him.
On his birthday, August 1st, i woke up with a deep feeling of pride.
A year ago, i gave birth, he made me a mother, he was the best little boy to ever live and his life makes me so proud.
I will always be proud to be his mother.
I wanted to fill the day with meaningful activities that make us feel close to Truman.
Jeff was not on the same page. He was in the sad, lets stay in bed all day long and zone out type of grief. So i laid with him, soothing his need to just be. We watched the Olympics and i made eggs. We ate breakfast in bed and just cuddled. There is a tenderness between Jeff and I, and on days like these we love each other a little bit more like we would love Truman too. With just a little extra care. I cherish that.I think the Olympics are good for us, people. That connection to the human body and what it is capable of. It's unbelievable.
After a few hours I pulled Jeff out of bed and we headed out into the world. "It's only going to be his 1st birthday once." seemed to do the trick to getting him motivated.
(he always asks about you guys and wants updates on your blog posts.)
The Courthouse itself reminded me of a hospital, just something about those official community type buildings.
We headed up to the top floor, the 5th floor. The building is sad, run down and dirty, as most of Eureka CA is. We opened the door to the records office and it was like we entered a completely different building. It was new and fresh. Tall ceilings. Rows of books that looked important.
Skylights. Tall windows overlooking the rest of Old town and part of the bay. Very nice.
A falcon dipped back and forth in front of the windows.
It reminded me of being in room 1512 at UCSF. Once i was transported to San Fran, my only animal companion for weeks was the hawk who would fly back and forth outside of my window. I watched it and wondered if it's presence meant anything.
Jeff and I are both animal people (his is a Wildlife Biologist, i am Veterinary) and we can identify most species fairly quickly.
While falcon's are different from hawks, they are still a bird of prey. Something felt familiar.
The very nice lady took her time going over our paperwork and went over the details of what we need to do.
"Groom sign here, Bride sign here."
As my pen left the paper, i looked up at the big clock on the wall.
It was 3:53pm.
One year before at that exact moment Truman was taken out of my body and we heard one little chirp of a cry, the only cry that we will ever hear of his.
I turned to Jeff and said, "It's 3:53- kiss me."
We meandered back to our neck of the woods.
When I was pregnant with Truman we saw Quails everywhere. One reason that they remind me of him. This year there have not been nearly as many. Maybe they moved on to better feeding areas? not sure, but i miss seeing them and their cute little babies. On the way out to Truman's birthday dinner, we spotted a quail. It made me happy. It made me feel like he was maybe with us on some level.
We had a dinner, toasted to our parenthood, our sweet boy and each other. I lied to the waiter and told him that it was my birthday and wanted a creme brulee with one candle on it.
My father will say that they are all nice coincidences (atheism). My religious/spiritual friends will all say that it all meant that he was with us.
I have no idea either way but i HOPE it's more than just coincidence. I hope that he was with us. Either way i am paying attention. To the patterns. I am looking for meaning. I just acknowledge that these strange things happen and hope, whisper i love you and think about our time with him.
The sun was setting while we finished up dinner. I thought about the baby loss friends who believe that all the children who have gone too soon come together and paint the colors of the sunset for everyone who miss them.
It's such a nice thought.But the sunsets here always seem to be dull to me (or maybe those are just the Hum-colored glasses that i'm always wearing?) ...... and I thought about Truman and all the color that seemed to pour out of his little soul. I imagine it as vibrant oranges and soft yellows, prisms of shimmering silver and gold, bits of purples and blues. Much more fiery and sparkly then a mediocre Hum Sunset. No comparison.
As the sun set i thought how another day has ended.
Another day without him- gone. I have the rest of my life to go and i wonder when that will end too.
After dinner we went down to Moonstone Beach, which was just below the restaurant. Moonstone is where we had his memorial service. It's his "spot" here in Humboldt.
The full moon lit up the night sky. The tide was coming in.
Jeff lit a lantern for Truman.
So did I.
We watched them fade away into the distance.
We love our boy.We love his life.
His life will always outshine his death.
Instead of posting pictures of him in a high chair with his own cake smushed across his face making all of us laugh, this is what we get. We made the most of his first birthday, the only one that we will ever get. I hate that we are apart from each other, but that will not change the reality. We have been doing okay these past 2 days, remembering his life force and what a huge gift that it will always be to us.
I'm not sure how the 4th of August will go, but we will see when we get there.
For now I just want to say-
Truman, I love you so much. I miss you every single second, every day. I hope you know how much we long for you and how much we love you. I hope you know how much we cherished our time with you. I wish we had more time together. I'll be missing you forever our sweet hearted lion cub.
