Arcata is a booming young family town. I used to love going to our Saturday farmer's markets in town and people watch. There are pregnant women, newborns, toddlers and children, e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.
It was exciting when i was pregnant and hopeful for the future. Now its a sharp knife and just too fresh of a wound. i know that it won't always be like this. Sooner or later it won't be so painful to see babies but for now, it is.
But I can't help but notice the universe being a tad bit in your face when it comes to other people's babies since Truman died. and we aren't the only ones to notice this phenomenon. Call it what you will, coincidence or our heighten awareness or gravitational pull, whatever. Jeff and I will be in a restaurant and there will be 30 other tables open but they will always place the young couple with the newborn next to our table. Its absolutely inevitable. the baby will be a blonde boy too. They have no idea that the sounds of their cooing baby just destroyed my barely there appetite and will probably put me back in bed depressed for the next five days.
When i was pregnant with Truman i went to a pregnancy swim class where i met other pregnant women. I loved these swim classes. I learned so much from talking to the other women in my class. The last time i went i met a lady and we clicked immediately. She was going to come to the next class with a book for me to borrow and we had planned to sign up for a birthing class together. Before the next class came, i was being emergency flighted to San Francisco and i never saw her again. I often think about what she thinks about me never showing up to class again and what its going to be like when i run into her in the future. This is a pretty small town and i have run into many women from my swim class already. I can not describe the feeling i get when i see them walking down the street with their babies. I smile and keep moving quickly and just wonder if they can see the pain on my face or wonder why i'm not carrying my baby.
This grief is unpredictable. Just when i think i am coming out of the darkness, like i'm coming up for air, something reminds me of how much we lost when Truman passed and then i'm back down, in bed for a week straight. I honestly wonder how long this will go on for. I talked to my doctor and she said that she is guessing 5 months. Sleeping has become an issue for me. I lay in bed at night think about Truman and how different our lives would be if he was still with us.
I should be totally consumed with love and exhaustion from caring for my newborn. I should be up all night comforting him. I should be breast feeding and complaining to my girlfriends about chapped nipples. I should be dressing him in cute outfits and taking hundreds of pictures of him. I should be singing him to sleep. He looked exactly like Jeff when he slept.
I'm not doing any of these things and it kills me.
and really..... i should be pregnant still. if things would have gone normally, i would still be.
I have a new mom's body- stretch marks, c-section scar and boobs that i don't recognize.
I have the mother's instincts, but empty arms. I want to hold him, comfort him, protect him.
I have a pile full of paperwork. Birth certificate, death certificate, autopsy report, and medical bills. I will never see his diploma, driver's license, marriage license, passport. I'll never know his favorite color or animal. I'll never hear his laugh, his voice or his first words.
I had to go out and get Jeff some cold medicine today and as i got out of the car i pictured Truman in the back seat, where he should be, in his car seat, sleeping sweetly. He is all i think about. I see him everywhere.
