Missing my Truman hard today.

I'm Back!!!

I'm back from my loooong trip.

I'll start by saying, i missed blogging with you guys and i thought about you all through out the holidays and New Year.

One of my friends posted this to my facebook page while i was on my travels.... It is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. It touched me so deeply that i wanted to share it with you guys.

<3

I'm not sure if many of you know this but my partner Jeff and I are not married. We have been together for 7 years.... 8 years on March 1st. 

Key West is one of our favorite places on earth and New Year's eve has always been one of our favorite holidays.

Minutes before midnight on New Year's Eve, Jeff pulled me out of a crowd of people and into an opening in the street. In the middle of Duval Street (close to Truman Street intersection), Jeff got down on one knee asked me to marry him! He told me that it was a big year for us, the year that we became parents, a year that we will never-ever forget and even through everything we have gone through, meeting Truman was the best moment of his life and he wanted to end the year right for our family.

I am over the moon to solidify our family.

I feel so lucky to have a man like him and so lucky that we have grown stronger from our loss. 

I definitely felt Truman there with us.

                                            

The actual "yes, i will marry you" kiss that some stranger took with their cell phone and sent it to me.

Lol!

The ring he gave me is his grandmother's diamond and his great grandmother's diamond. Both women are unique and have their own story and i love how the differences in the cuts of the two diamonds reflect that. His great grandmother was a famous artist here in California... a very well known one in mostly southern California.

Down the road, I want to add a diamond to the ring so it can be passed on (hopefully) to our possible future living children.

I love love love that the diamonds are old and have such history to go along with them.

Even through all the happiness and excitement, we missed Truman. I know that missing him is never going to go away, no matter what. To be so happy and so sad at the same exact time is exactly what it is. I never even knew you could feel both so strongly all at the same time. 

We are bonded in knowing that no one knows more how we feel then the other does.

The trip really helped me break up my patterns and I feel the heavy heavy grief has lightened. But i also learned that road trips are no longer good for my soul like they used to be before when i was an innocent still.

It was too much time to just sit there and think about Truman.... both on the way there and the way home, i did a lot of crying for him. Looking into the back set and envisioning him in a car seat with us. Going through the events. Imagining him on our wedding day, learning to walk still, wobbly and cute in a bow tie. Me handing him my engagement ring when he tells me that he found "the one". Every song on the radio reminded me of him. 

I love him so much.

and i miss him so much

and i search for him in every way that i can

hoping that life will give me a shred of evidence that he is with me on some level and knows how much  i want him here with me.

and it's exhausting.

I'm tired of the grief and at this point in my grieving process i think that it's good for me to stay busy.

My vacation was part of the grieving process. I was not resting. I was seeing many people for the first time since Truman died. I was forced to be in public and communicating with people for the entire time.

Now i feel like i need a vacation from my ridiculously long vacation.

As for wedding planning.... I never thought superficial decision making and "stress" would be so healing. So i say, bring on the color concepts, the menu items and all the other silly little decisions that will be my absolute pleasure to make!

It's so fun to have worries and concerns on this level again.

The re-enactment of the proposal for a photo-opt!

Jeff's Mom, Sister, Brother-in-law at our celebration dinner @ Blue Heaven, Key West. 

 A few of the Truman fonts i saw a long the way. It felt so good to be surrounded by his name!

Christmas recap

This is officially the only place where i can be real.
People want to hear that i am doing great. That i'm all better.
Or they avoid asking me how i am doing because they don't want to hear how i am really feeling.
Bogus either which way you look at it.
Isolating.
and as time goes on it's becoming more so.

The road trip here to florida was not really the best.
There was a lot of built up anxiety and sadness that once we hit the road poured out, on and off.
we cried, we tried to enjoy ourselves, we had social anxiety, we were frustrated, we talked about Truman.
We usually love being on the road but not so much this time. It was like it was clearly part of the grieving processing. We had to just get through it... and it was not as carefree and enjoyable as it was before we carried this sadness. That innocence  and the freedom that comes with it is gone.
instead of Truman's first Christmas, Truman's first time to his grandpa's house, Truman's first road trip.... everything is our first time without Truman and it all fucking sucks.
and no one gets it besides Jeff. and you guys.

I started this blog as a way to have my family and friends to understand what this was like. As time goes on i am starting to realize that they will never, ever really get it no matter how much i type. Who would want to truly get it anyways?
It must get old for them. I can only imagine what it would be like to be on the other side of this.
But i think i am going to start a new blog exclusively for my baby loss community friends so that i can say what i really need to with out hurting people's feelings.
The facts are, i am a survivor but i am a wounded still. I will never heal. and you baby loss friends are the only people who really understand that.
I know that i may sound ungrateful on some level.... which is not the case. I am grateful. But i now have to put up with people expecting me to put in a facade. a happy face. This back and forth of their expectations of my sadness and my actual sadness is another part of this loss.
My sadness brings them down.
they don't understand and they don't understand how lucky they are to not understand. they don't understand that them not understanding my pain and my loss is hard for me. They don't understand that considering everything, i am doing very well.

Our time here in Florida has been great so far. Very comforting to be here.
until yesterday.
Christmas. nothing can comfort this feeling of loss.
We woke up heartbroken.

I'm being honest when i say that i had resentment towards my Dad and his girlfriend who cheerfully carried on through the day with no mention of Truman's existence.
How could they not bring him up? not want to say his name over and over?
How could they not be sad and missing him like we are?

At one point I said something about how i can't wait until this day is over. My Dad asked why. and i responded by saying that it just reminds me of everything that i don't have. He asked me if he thought it was my attitude that was making me feel this way. and i said "how do you think you'd be feeling if i died this year?"
it didn't respond.

isolation.

you can't make someone get it.
and the thing is, is that my Dad and i are very close. He usually always makes me feel better.
He was with me in the hospital when i had pre-eclampsia. He was there for it all, watching, as my father. Truman's grandfather.

I started typing this all last night and spurred an argument between him and I. He questioned why i felt more comfortable typing to a bunch of strangers instead of finding comfort in my family.
Its as simple as this: I want to talk about Truman. He wants to talk about everything but Truman. Therefore i held back tears all day until i emotionally shut down and stopped talking all together. I don't care to talk about the weather or watch the news.

I can't help that yesterday has angered me. I don't have my baby and it isn't fair.
I can't help that on one else wants to say his name.
I can't help that they may think i'm being bitchy. My silence is not bitchy, it's me keeping my grief to myself and not laying it on other people who don't care to grieve with me.

The truth is everything would be different yesterday and today if Truman was alive.
But he isn't.

thought

My soapbox this evening on life, baby loss, grief, religion, the world, politics, other people--- just needed to get it out...

The more i experience in life, the more i go through, the more i learn.
the more that i live/learn/experience the less that i know.
Things are absolutely abstract.
They are not clear cut.
They are always changing.
Just because you think the world is a certain way doesn't mean that it is. It doesn't matter how dull or exciting or sane or insane your life is. It can switch on you so fast.
Life can pull itself right out from underneath your feet. and everything that you thought that you knew can vanish just like that.
I was not a mother. I wanted to be a mother. I became a mother. I was a mother. I am a mother with no child.
and now... i don't really know what i am other then that because it has infiltrated every single aspect of my life.

Life and politics and war and grief and sacrifice......
If you really "know".... then you know that you don't know.
if you think you know, then you're a fool.

It's a chaotic world.
its a chaotic world with lots of things that us humans build up around it to try and give ourselves a sense of control.

True courage, true bravery, true strength..... that comes when you let go of the control.
Not when you hang onto structure. Structure may be comforting but it doesn't bend.... or barely bends.... and what doesn't bend, breaks.

Because letting go is the hard part. Holding on is easy.

but then again... what do i know?

none of this is easy and none of this makes sense.
What's the point of living life is everyone you know will die? at any age for whatever reason.
(I'm not feeling suicidal, i'm just honestly wondering what the point to all of this is? Is it so chaotic that it's possible that there isn't one?)

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." ~Hermen Hesse

Assignment #4, the final assignment

Today marks 4 months without Truman here with us. 
every single month that passes by I am slapped with shock. Shock that we have to go on like this.
Even though i keep repeating myself... It is just so unbelievable that this happened to us. 


Assignment 4.
Where do i want to be a year from now?


This means that i  have to hope for something...............
and hope is something that i have been trying to figure out for the past 4 months.
hope is something that i am almost afraid to have because it means i may be crushed again.


I am in this space in between losing a child from a disease that almost killed me as well and wondering if I will go on to have any more living children.


Ideally a year from now, I would like to have a living child. But that is not in the cards for me at this point due to medical concerns from my surgery with Truman.


Realistically, in a year from now, i will be starting to meet with a new high risk pregnancy doctors and forming a plan of action on how to get me and a baby through a pregnancy alive.


As i type that, i do think about how that means that I may very well die this next time around.  and I am most certainly afraid to die and leave my Jeff, Dad and friends. I know that any of us can die at anytime. But i was so close. and i know that i am risking that with another pregnancy but i just can not be done trying yet. That decision to try again is absolutely terrifying. Especially because there is a set time frame on it. A countdown.


and people may call me stupid for trying. but my story of trying is not over yet, that is one of the only things that i know for sure anymore about myself.


So between here and there I want to become as educated as i can on Pre-eclampsia, eclampsia, HELLP syndrome and all of the effects that they have on baby's.


My goal is to be in the best health that i can possibly be in by this time next year.


I have already implemented a fitness plan and I am 3 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight already. I hope to lose another 25lbs safely and effectively. But let me clarify. Getting pre-eclampsia has nothing to do with weight. I just want to be in the best physical shape possible to weather the storm that it is. While I am working out, I am literally thinking about beating the shit out of pre-eclampsia. Sometimes i get so into it that i need to stop because i start to cry. If it was a tangible thing, I would most definitely slay the crap out of it. lol I'm not a violent person. I just hate what this disease does to people and what it did to us. So i will beat myself into the most hardcore shape that i can possibly be in to try and beat it.


I want to learn how to cook better. We eat very healthy already but Jeff does most of the cooking because he is good at it and I suck. I want to not suck at it.


I really hope that my photography takes off again too. I have been in a rut creatively this past year. I really hope that I can bring in more clientele and hopefully by this time next year i will be able to handle the pressure of a wedding season again. 


I couldn't decide between 3 words.... breathe, zeitgeist & reciprocity.
I wanted to let the letters decide for me. So i went out in search of any and all letters that i could find. Even though i really wanted to use "Breathe"  I could not find a capital B out there so the letters lead me to "reciprocity".

I like the word "Breathe" because it is almost equivalent to "Just be" to me. Just breathe. Take a moment. Be right here, right now. You are alive. Truman is not. This is the reality of the situation. I am privileged to be breathing. something that i take for granted almost every single day.

~I Breathe in Strength, Confidence and Blue Skies. My fears Yield in the Vibrant Light of My Being~

and "zeitgeist". The spirit of the time; the taste and outlook characteristic of a period or generation. the spirit, attitude, or general outlook of a specific time or period, esp. as it is reflected in literature, philosophy, etc. 

have you seen the indie film "Zeitgeist"? I saw the 2007 & 2008 versions but i am looking forward to watching the 2011 & 2012 version.

What a spirit of the times it is for Jeff and I right now. I can only imagine at this time next year.... the zeitgeist that that will be? I don't know.

So Reciprocity it is. It's a nice word.


reciprocity : the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence

1. A reciprocal condition or relationship. 2. A mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges, especially the exchange of rights or privileges of trade between nations. 1. reciprocal action or relation 2. a mutual exchange of commercial or other privileges "1. Moving back and forth alternately. 2. Giving and taking something mutually. 3. Making a return for something given or done. 4. Being complementary or at least equivalent. The Principle of Reciprocity Reciprocity means give and take. It's the law of cause and effect, and we see it all around us. When you say, "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours," that's Reciprocity. Isn't it funny that we human beings judge another person's heart by the way that we give? When you truly love someone, you want to lavish your treasures upon them. Whatever your gifts -- time, money, talent, affection -- they express your love. The reverse is also true. People hold back when their heart is cold. Cold-hearted people can expect coldness in return. Whatever "Seed" is sown, that is the "Harvest" that you can expect to "Reap". There are two important lessons in the Principle of Reciprocity. The first is - "If you give, it will be given back to you." Sometimes you get back more than you give! (and sometimes not)! The second lesson is harder to master - "Learn to give without hoping to get anything back!" Either way, it makes you feel good. This Principle of Reciprocity affects your relationships with your loved ones, neighbors, friends, and even strangers! The Principle of Reciprocity shows that you're kind when you use what you have to help others. "

I like this word especially when it comes equipped without the sense of obligation. Giving just to give. Doing something without expecting anything in return. This word is complex and often comes with baggage. I want to focus on this word this year while eliminating that baggage.


After losing Truman, my mind flooded with good deeds and kind things that i have done for other people. Random acts of kindness with truly expecting nothing in return. 
Once he died and since then I have focused on those things and found myself cursing this unfair world. 
No matter how good you are, no matter what you do to go out of your way, No matter the good deed, it does not "scratch your back" back when you need it to. 
This really bothers me in regards to Truman. 
I guess on some level I was hoping that Karma really does exist. 
In some cases in my life, I have been waiting a very very long time to see a sense of "what goes around comes around" to come into effect. I have been waiting for patiently for years, in many cases it never-ever comes (from what i can see).  and to think on some level that this is my "what goes around comes around", that losing Truman is my Karma, That somehow i deserved this? It's unthinkable.... in my mind, no one deserves this.  


This truly is a chaotic world.


I will never use the saying "what goes around comes around" in regards to what someone has happen to them in life again. I have learned the hard way, that sometimes people, most definitely, do not get what they deserve. and saying that is like applying your judgement to a situation.... you have no idea what a person puts out in the world. you have no idea what they truly deserve. you have no idea. none of us do.


Even though these horrible things happened to me and us.... we continue to give reciprocity to each other and to the world. 





It is a glorious privilege to live, to know, to act, to listen, to behold, to love. To look up at the blue summer sky; to see the sun sink slowly beyond the line of the horizon; to watch the worlds come twinkling into view, first one by one, and the myriads that no man can count, and lo! the universe is white with them;and you and I are here. -- Marco Morrow

More then anyone on this earth i do believe that a parent who has lost their child understands what a privilege that it is to live. and we battle between knowing the privilege and using that privilege for all that it's worth. because sometimes we just can't make the most of life and we feel guilty for it.

Our entire lives are filled with this give and take. 

I will never be able to pay my son back for the love that he showed me. I will never be able to pay back that kind stranger who hugged me in the street that one day right after Truman died. Her kindness still pops up in my mind. I'll never be able to repay my friend Julie and her husband Jessie who stuck so close by our side during the entire hospital-birth-death of Truman. I will never be able to repay my nurse Elspeth. My Dad. Jeff. my friends, new and old who have held my hand through this.

there will never be an an equality between that which we give and take. and feeling guilty about any of it is just useless. Because it will never even out. It just is what it is. You give when you can, you show appreciation when you can, you take when you can and hope for the absolute best. and you stay grateful.

This week Beryl posted a blog bout the Giving Tree and how every year, as a tribute to Bella, she "adopts" a child in need about the same age and buys them Christmas gifts.

She did this. It touched me. So i joined in as a tribute to Truman and adopted a child in my area and told my friends about it. Beryl doesn't reap the physical benefits but someone else in need does. so maybe the benefit is more emotional for everyone involved.

Now it is contagious and other people want to help children in need this holiday season as a tribute to whoever. 

It all feels SO good to help someone in need. and this was reciprocity influencing my actions.

I know that Truman would be proud of us doing that.

I'm not sure if you remember the book "The Giving Tree" By Shel Silverstein.

Plot: The Giving Tree is a tale about a relationship between a young boy and a tree. The tree always provides the boy with what he wants: branches on which to swing, shade in which to sit and apples to eat. As the boy grows older, he requires more and more of the tree. The tree loves the boy very much and gives him anything he asks for. In an ultimate act of self-sacrifice, the tree lets the boy cut it down so the boy can build a boat in which he can sail. The boy leaves the tree, now a stump. Many years later, the boy, now an old man, returns, and the tree sadly says: "I'm sorry, boy... but I have nothing left to give you." But the boy replies: "I do not need much now, just a quiet place to sit and rest." The tree then says, "Well, an old tree stump is a good place for sitting and resting. Come, boy, sit down and rest." The boy obliges and the tree was very happy.

"Is this a sad tale? Well, it is sad in the same way that life is depressing. We are all needy, and, if we are lucky and any good, we grow old using others and getting used up. Tears fall in our lives like leaves from a tree. Our finitude is not something to be regretted or despised, however; it is what makes giving (and receiving) possible. The more you blame the boy, the more you have to fault human existence. The more you blame the tree, the more you have to fault the very idea of parenting. Should the tree's giving be contingent on the boy's gratitude? If it were, if fathers and mothers waited on reciprocity before caring for their young, then we would all be doomed." - Timothy P. Jackson

Thank you for this class, Beryl & friends. I truly enjoyed my time with you and my new friends here at Illuminate. xo

Choices and questions

I've been withdrawing into myself again lately.
Last night and today have been paralyzing.
I want to get back to a way of life.
for some reason it is so incredibly hard.

It makes me think about Jeff's Uncle. He passed away within hours of Truman's passing, on the same day. As you can imagine this was very hard on Jeff's mom, losing a grandson and a brother within hours of each other. The whole thing is really bizarre and there is a lot of mystery surrounding his entire situation. His uncle looked like a "Truman" to me and i expressed that before the both of them died. Looking at a picture, I sensed that my Truman would resemble him in some way. One thing that we found out was that he never really moved on from a certain time in his life. He was stuck there, frozen there in time and hid it from EVERYONE in his life, including his wife, his parents, his sister, etc. Once he passed away there was no hiding it, the writing was on the walls, literally. When i feel stuck, i think of him and the pain that he must have carried and hid from the world.


Read this yesterday : "Blessed to be with the people that prayed for him and our family. Thanks be to God for sparing my Dad's life so he can further spread God's message."

Made me spiral into all sorts of emotion. I wish that i didn't take it so personally but i did.
I am happy that her father is alive.... but I was offended by this public display.

Is it gloating on some level? Because it feels like it to me.

Like my friends and family didn't pray and beg God enough? That horrible things happen to me because i don't spread the word of God? How is that a loving God that should be praised?
What about the beautiful baby loss mom's that do spread the word of God? Why are they fucked over too? What is the point of ending something at the beginning?

Do people think about these questions ever?
Why can't people just be grateful for what happens or doesn't happen without applying it or blaming something else?
I think that is where i get annoyed. Like maybe that person's Dad is alive because he made the decison to go to the hospital and he had nurses and doctors who chose to spend their life going to school and learning to heal and maybe that mixed with luck is the reason he is spared. Maybe it has absolutly nothing to do with God and everything to do with the decisions that we make. and how those decisions effect each other. I don't know really... I'm just thinking out loud.

I saw someone complaining about the hell that they have been through for the past 5 years. This person in particular turned to drugs, made a choice to turn to drugs.
Chose to continue to do drugs even after several interventions and rehab attempts.
I think about all the pain and trials and tribulations that people experience....... and choice.

How far do our choices really take us?
The choice to marry a crappy man. The choice to divorce him. The choice to swallow a pill to escape the ache that this creates. The choice to over indulge in it. or the choice to starve yourself from it. The choice to go outside and smoke a cigarette, when you know it will give you cancer.

I keep thinking about if there was a choice I made on any of this that effected the outcome for Truman and I.
I feel like no matter what you do or don't do, things are going to happen and you are going to have to deal with it. I feel like sometimes choices are over rated. Because this world really is chaotic and beautifully brutal.
If you want something, choices help you get there. Choices make you feel like you are in control, but you really aren't, ever. When it comes to tragedy.... do choices really matter?
So many questions, so little answers.


UCSF Pediatrician team, STILL, has not called me to formally go over Truman's autopsy report.
If i had more energy, I would ream them out.
I contacted one of my doctors from UCSF and told her and she is going to be contacting someone higher up to notify them.

This doctor of mine has contacted the Peds 3 different times now to remind them to call me.
It's just ridiculous.
I knew that they were cocky and unorganized, but really?
My son died on your watch and you can't even go over the autopsy report with me?
Makes me feel like they messed up somehow and they know it.
It is their job to communicate with parents.

They sucked at it when Truman was in the NICU and they suck at it now and i want to calmly make that clear to the highest person up that i can find.

I don't think any NICU parent should feel like this and i want to make sure i do everything that i can to make sure that UCSF works a little harder to correct their insufficient communication skills.

the playlist game

Vera Kate  started the playlist game. I am loving music and it's healing effects right now so i want to participate. I am definitely cheating though. Because it was really hard to pick only one song for so many of these i ended up choosing more ;P But it felt so good to revisit these songs and see how I respond to them now-a-days.
Thanks for starting this Vera!

01 | Your Favorite 
(at the moment, which changes every day or so) 
Tongue Tied- Group Love &
Perth (Remix)- Bon Iver


02 | Makes You Happy
Chan Chan- Buena Vista Social Club
Do Whaatcha Wanna- Rebirth Brass Band
Sleepyhead- Passion Pit

03 | Makes You Sad
Blood- The Middle East

04 | Reminds You of Someone
This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads


05 | Reminds You of Somewhere
White Hinterland- Icarus
St. Joseph's- The Avett Brothers


06 | Reminds You of a Certain Event
That Moon Song- Gregory Alan Isakov
Let Love Move Me- Donna the Buffalo


07 | You Can Dance To
Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO

08 | You Can Fall Asleep To
Thinking About You- Big Scary
Sleeping Diagonally- Iron &Wine

09 | From Your Favorite Band
Old Man - Neil Young
The Weight- The Band
Shelter from the Storm- Bob Dylan

10 | From Your Favorite Album
Way way way too many to choose from. So i'll just give you a soundtrack:
Garden State Soundtrack
Waiting Line, New Slang, The only living boy in New York


11 | Recently Discovered
Midnight City- M83 (awesome video, with super hero kids)

12 | An Unexpected Fave
Teenage Dream & Firework- Katie Perry

13 | Describes You
Joyful Girl- Ani DiFranco
Joyful Girl- Dave Matthews Band (Ani Cover)


14 | For When You’re Angry
Ocean Breathes Salty- Modest Mouse


15 | For When You’re Excited
(Last time i played music to get pumped up was Halloween... so these are sort of Halloween themed, and i was Alice because i fell through the rabbit hole this year into a new reality)
Wait You Waiting For, Gwen Stefani
Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs


16 | For When You’re Sad
Broken Chair - Chris and Thomas
White Sun- Dawn Golden and Rosy Cross


17 | To Be Played at Your Wedding
Dry Grass & Shadows -Alela Diane
Two - Ryan Adams


18 | To Be Played at Your Funeral
Naked as we came- Iron and Wine
Beautiful World - Colin Hay
Dream- Priscilla Ahn
Ashokan Farewell


19 | Makes You Laugh (warning: don't watch these if cursing offends you)
I'm on a Boat - The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain
Great Day - The Lonely Island


20 | Your Favorite at This Time Last Year
Welcome Home - Radical Face
Boy Lilikoi- Jonsi
Sweet Sweet Heart Killer - Say Hi to Your Mom
Dog Days Are Over - Florence + the Machine

Assignment #3

Perspective.
Baby loss has many different perspectives.

My point of view has changed so much since Truman has died.
and so many times.

Each emotion seems to come equipped with at least 7 different view points.

My perspective.....
I was born grateful.
I was given up for adoption. I was grateful to be alive and placed with a family who is my everything.
My mom died. I was grateful for a loving father to teach me what it means to be a strong woman.
My grandparents, who had a very large part in raising me died and i was grateful for my chosen family. My chosen family are my friends that mean the world to me and have proven the test of time.
Now my son died and i am grateful for the loving partner that i have within Jeff.
I can truly say that i have not taken any of it for granted.
Unfortunately being grateful, aware, thoughtful, appreciative.... these things don't by you any extra luck in this life.
Shit happens.
and there is never a good enough reason for it.

The loss of Truman has been tough. and my mind set changes from minute to minute.
But gratitude.... that is what photography is to me. It's gratitude that people can see.

Most of all this year, i am trying to focus on being grateful for my life.
Severe pre-eclampsia almost killed me this year.
Yes, it killed my son, yes i have guilt that i am still alive and he isn't.
But i know how lucky I am that i did not have life altering seizures and die from this dangerous disease.
I think about all the women before me who have lost their lives to this disease or who have walked this path and then i think about all the women in the future who will face this. They just love their children, they just want to be a mother.

I am an organic, holistic woman, when i can be. But i am SO grateful for modern medicine. It has saved my life more times then i can count.
I am grateful for nurse Elspeth, the woman who helped me stay emotionally strong during my 13 days in the hospital.

I am grateful for coffee, summer days, warm breezes, plaid shirts, beautiful rugs, cars that are in perfect working condition, hand written letters, music, bathtubs, swimming pools, bathing suits, hammocks, art, pumpkin coffee creamer, apple pie, clothing, shoes, the love of friends and family, humor, movies, flowers, dogs, old quilts, Nutella, the south, moss gardens, succulent gardens,  DIY tutorials, dolphins, traveling, snorkeling, cameras, natural parks, people who can make me laugh, random acts of kindness, gifts for no reason, homemade jam.... I could go on forever.

Saying all that, I do not feel particularly cheery this holiday season. The gratitude is in no way out weighing the sense of loss, the desperation, the confusion, the injustice. Like i said, i have always been grateful. I don't need a holiday for a reminder, i live my life in a way that clutches onto every moment.
Even before Truman died, i would kiss Jeff goodbye in a way that if it was the last time that i ever saw him, that i would be satisfied. I made sure to always say i love you. I made sure to always let people know how grateful i am for every single little thing.
It didn't matter.
Being grateful helps you feel like this life is beautiful, like it's worth living. But it doesn't help you with luck. It won't keep you from having horrible things happen to you.
I guess that is just where my perspective is right now.

I can not help but feel like the gratitude that seeps form the holiday season makes losses more poignant. That empty chair at the dinner table, the empty baby blanket, the silence of this room, this house.... it's still there.
and no matter how many things i list that i love about this life, it's not making the pain of that empty space any smaller.
I will forever be grateful for Truman.
But what happened to us is absolutely horrific. and i will never, ever, be okay with losing him the way that i did and i will never be okay with living the rest of my time here in this life without him.

I love being outside. I love nature. I feel connected to Truman when i am outside.
But, this assignment was definitely the hardest one for me.
I took many 100 steps in many different directions. I took many shots.
the first attempt was a failure. My perspective, or attitude, was making its way into my photos. They were lacking, dull, unimaginative.
I tried again several time and they turned out a little better.

One thing that i can hang on to is other people's perspectives of similar loss.
It helps to heal me.

When we came home from the hospital, after being gone for 2 weeks, our food garden had not been watered at all and was doing great.

Jeff came walking back up to the house with an arm full of veggies and said, "I can not believe that this forgotten garden is still alive but Truman isn't."

An ant will cruise by, or a slug, or an annoying fly. Or a plant will be not watered and tended to for weeks and there it is, seemingly "simple creatures," alive. and Truman isn't.

Jeff's perspective, rings in my ears all of the time now. and things like that have happened with so many other words that my baby loss friends have said.

It's like your words come alive, reach something that is deep within me that i didn't know how to say out loud yet. I've never met you in person, yet i feel like you are right here with me, holding my hand, staring at this overwhelming emotion and trying to make sense of it all.
It keeps me from being alone in this.
and i am grateful for that. I am grateful for you.

I am also grateful for my friends that have not experienced baby loss but still come here and read my blog. You don't shy away from this and i can not tell you how much that means to me that you read my words to understand where i am at. That is beautiful, meaningful, thoughtful and i love you for that.

I hope all you guys had a Happy Thanksgiving.

T-day recap?
I cried all morning, finally pulled myself together, went to friend's house, ate a bunch of food, made people feel uncomfortable by being myself and dealing with this loss, got drunk and spent the next 24 hours hurting physically.

Thanksgiving is Jeff's favorite holiday so i really wanted to help him have a good day.
I really tried to be a normal 28 year old who hasn't just had her soul crushed by a loss larger than most people can imagine.
Babies and pregnant women were brought up at the table.... the conversation was happy and light....it made me feel really uncomfortable but everyone was laughing and having a great time.... until, that is, i chimed in about being pregnant and how it was for me and then there was a silent awkwardness.
Beautiful.
The thing is, I didn't even mention Truman... I just mentioned how my heartburn was pretty bad when i was pregnant.
It was like my words were translated into something offensive.

"I am thankful for this awkward silence that is reminding me that i am no longer a normal human being, i am isolated and have a hard time fitting into society."
I know it's hard to blog humor, but i'm hoping that you can pick up on my sarcasm. I didn't really say that, but man i wanted to.

I'm not feeling overly bitter in any way- really. I love my friends. I had a nice enough time. This is just my new life now.
I can't leave the house without feeling like i do not belong. Without feeling emotionally isolated. Without being reminded that 99.9% of the people there don't get this.

On another note. I learned how to make peony's out of coffee filters and wire. I have been using them to top my Christmas presents and i think that they look beauuutiful.