Assignment #4, the final assignment

Today marks 4 months without Truman here with us. 
every single month that passes by I am slapped with shock. Shock that we have to go on like this.
Even though i keep repeating myself... It is just so unbelievable that this happened to us. 


Assignment 4.
Where do i want to be a year from now?


This means that i  have to hope for something...............
and hope is something that i have been trying to figure out for the past 4 months.
hope is something that i am almost afraid to have because it means i may be crushed again.


I am in this space in between losing a child from a disease that almost killed me as well and wondering if I will go on to have any more living children.


Ideally a year from now, I would like to have a living child. But that is not in the cards for me at this point due to medical concerns from my surgery with Truman.


Realistically, in a year from now, i will be starting to meet with a new high risk pregnancy doctors and forming a plan of action on how to get me and a baby through a pregnancy alive.


As i type that, i do think about how that means that I may very well die this next time around.  and I am most certainly afraid to die and leave my Jeff, Dad and friends. I know that any of us can die at anytime. But i was so close. and i know that i am risking that with another pregnancy but i just can not be done trying yet. That decision to try again is absolutely terrifying. Especially because there is a set time frame on it. A countdown.


and people may call me stupid for trying. but my story of trying is not over yet, that is one of the only things that i know for sure anymore about myself.


So between here and there I want to become as educated as i can on Pre-eclampsia, eclampsia, HELLP syndrome and all of the effects that they have on baby's.


My goal is to be in the best health that i can possibly be in by this time next year.


I have already implemented a fitness plan and I am 3 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight already. I hope to lose another 25lbs safely and effectively. But let me clarify. Getting pre-eclampsia has nothing to do with weight. I just want to be in the best physical shape possible to weather the storm that it is. While I am working out, I am literally thinking about beating the shit out of pre-eclampsia. Sometimes i get so into it that i need to stop because i start to cry. If it was a tangible thing, I would most definitely slay the crap out of it. lol I'm not a violent person. I just hate what this disease does to people and what it did to us. So i will beat myself into the most hardcore shape that i can possibly be in to try and beat it.


I want to learn how to cook better. We eat very healthy already but Jeff does most of the cooking because he is good at it and I suck. I want to not suck at it.


I really hope that my photography takes off again too. I have been in a rut creatively this past year. I really hope that I can bring in more clientele and hopefully by this time next year i will be able to handle the pressure of a wedding season again. 


I couldn't decide between 3 words.... breathe, zeitgeist & reciprocity.
I wanted to let the letters decide for me. So i went out in search of any and all letters that i could find. Even though i really wanted to use "Breathe"  I could not find a capital B out there so the letters lead me to "reciprocity".

I like the word "Breathe" because it is almost equivalent to "Just be" to me. Just breathe. Take a moment. Be right here, right now. You are alive. Truman is not. This is the reality of the situation. I am privileged to be breathing. something that i take for granted almost every single day.

~I Breathe in Strength, Confidence and Blue Skies. My fears Yield in the Vibrant Light of My Being~

and "zeitgeist". The spirit of the time; the taste and outlook characteristic of a period or generation. the spirit, attitude, or general outlook of a specific time or period, esp. as it is reflected in literature, philosophy, etc. 

have you seen the indie film "Zeitgeist"? I saw the 2007 & 2008 versions but i am looking forward to watching the 2011 & 2012 version.

What a spirit of the times it is for Jeff and I right now. I can only imagine at this time next year.... the zeitgeist that that will be? I don't know.

So Reciprocity it is. It's a nice word.


reciprocity : the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence

1. A reciprocal condition or relationship. 2. A mutual or cooperative interchange of favors or privileges, especially the exchange of rights or privileges of trade between nations. 1. reciprocal action or relation 2. a mutual exchange of commercial or other privileges "1. Moving back and forth alternately. 2. Giving and taking something mutually. 3. Making a return for something given or done. 4. Being complementary or at least equivalent. The Principle of Reciprocity Reciprocity means give and take. It's the law of cause and effect, and we see it all around us. When you say, "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours," that's Reciprocity. Isn't it funny that we human beings judge another person's heart by the way that we give? When you truly love someone, you want to lavish your treasures upon them. Whatever your gifts -- time, money, talent, affection -- they express your love. The reverse is also true. People hold back when their heart is cold. Cold-hearted people can expect coldness in return. Whatever "Seed" is sown, that is the "Harvest" that you can expect to "Reap". There are two important lessons in the Principle of Reciprocity. The first is - "If you give, it will be given back to you." Sometimes you get back more than you give! (and sometimes not)! The second lesson is harder to master - "Learn to give without hoping to get anything back!" Either way, it makes you feel good. This Principle of Reciprocity affects your relationships with your loved ones, neighbors, friends, and even strangers! The Principle of Reciprocity shows that you're kind when you use what you have to help others. "

I like this word especially when it comes equipped without the sense of obligation. Giving just to give. Doing something without expecting anything in return. This word is complex and often comes with baggage. I want to focus on this word this year while eliminating that baggage.


After losing Truman, my mind flooded with good deeds and kind things that i have done for other people. Random acts of kindness with truly expecting nothing in return. 
Once he died and since then I have focused on those things and found myself cursing this unfair world. 
No matter how good you are, no matter what you do to go out of your way, No matter the good deed, it does not "scratch your back" back when you need it to. 
This really bothers me in regards to Truman. 
I guess on some level I was hoping that Karma really does exist. 
In some cases in my life, I have been waiting a very very long time to see a sense of "what goes around comes around" to come into effect. I have been waiting for patiently for years, in many cases it never-ever comes (from what i can see).  and to think on some level that this is my "what goes around comes around", that losing Truman is my Karma, That somehow i deserved this? It's unthinkable.... in my mind, no one deserves this.  


This truly is a chaotic world.


I will never use the saying "what goes around comes around" in regards to what someone has happen to them in life again. I have learned the hard way, that sometimes people, most definitely, do not get what they deserve. and saying that is like applying your judgement to a situation.... you have no idea what a person puts out in the world. you have no idea what they truly deserve. you have no idea. none of us do.


Even though these horrible things happened to me and us.... we continue to give reciprocity to each other and to the world. 





It is a glorious privilege to live, to know, to act, to listen, to behold, to love. To look up at the blue summer sky; to see the sun sink slowly beyond the line of the horizon; to watch the worlds come twinkling into view, first one by one, and the myriads that no man can count, and lo! the universe is white with them;and you and I are here. -- Marco Morrow

More then anyone on this earth i do believe that a parent who has lost their child understands what a privilege that it is to live. and we battle between knowing the privilege and using that privilege for all that it's worth. because sometimes we just can't make the most of life and we feel guilty for it.

Our entire lives are filled with this give and take. 

I will never be able to pay my son back for the love that he showed me. I will never be able to pay back that kind stranger who hugged me in the street that one day right after Truman died. Her kindness still pops up in my mind. I'll never be able to repay my friend Julie and her husband Jessie who stuck so close by our side during the entire hospital-birth-death of Truman. I will never be able to repay my nurse Elspeth. My Dad. Jeff. my friends, new and old who have held my hand through this.

there will never be an an equality between that which we give and take. and feeling guilty about any of it is just useless. Because it will never even out. It just is what it is. You give when you can, you show appreciation when you can, you take when you can and hope for the absolute best. and you stay grateful.

This week Beryl posted a blog bout the Giving Tree and how every year, as a tribute to Bella, she "adopts" a child in need about the same age and buys them Christmas gifts.

She did this. It touched me. So i joined in as a tribute to Truman and adopted a child in my area and told my friends about it. Beryl doesn't reap the physical benefits but someone else in need does. so maybe the benefit is more emotional for everyone involved.

Now it is contagious and other people want to help children in need this holiday season as a tribute to whoever. 

It all feels SO good to help someone in need. and this was reciprocity influencing my actions.

I know that Truman would be proud of us doing that.

I'm not sure if you remember the book "The Giving Tree" By Shel Silverstein.

Plot: The Giving Tree is a tale about a relationship between a young boy and a tree. The tree always provides the boy with what he wants: branches on which to swing, shade in which to sit and apples to eat. As the boy grows older, he requires more and more of the tree. The tree loves the boy very much and gives him anything he asks for. In an ultimate act of self-sacrifice, the tree lets the boy cut it down so the boy can build a boat in which he can sail. The boy leaves the tree, now a stump. Many years later, the boy, now an old man, returns, and the tree sadly says: "I'm sorry, boy... but I have nothing left to give you." But the boy replies: "I do not need much now, just a quiet place to sit and rest." The tree then says, "Well, an old tree stump is a good place for sitting and resting. Come, boy, sit down and rest." The boy obliges and the tree was very happy.

"Is this a sad tale? Well, it is sad in the same way that life is depressing. We are all needy, and, if we are lucky and any good, we grow old using others and getting used up. Tears fall in our lives like leaves from a tree. Our finitude is not something to be regretted or despised, however; it is what makes giving (and receiving) possible. The more you blame the boy, the more you have to fault human existence. The more you blame the tree, the more you have to fault the very idea of parenting. Should the tree's giving be contingent on the boy's gratitude? If it were, if fathers and mothers waited on reciprocity before caring for their young, then we would all be doomed." - Timothy P. Jackson

Thank you for this class, Beryl & friends. I truly enjoyed my time with you and my new friends here at Illuminate. xo