Assignment #3

Perspective.
Baby loss has many different perspectives.

My point of view has changed so much since Truman has died.
and so many times.

Each emotion seems to come equipped with at least 7 different view points.

My perspective.....
I was born grateful.
I was given up for adoption. I was grateful to be alive and placed with a family who is my everything.
My mom died. I was grateful for a loving father to teach me what it means to be a strong woman.
My grandparents, who had a very large part in raising me died and i was grateful for my chosen family. My chosen family are my friends that mean the world to me and have proven the test of time.
Now my son died and i am grateful for the loving partner that i have within Jeff.
I can truly say that i have not taken any of it for granted.
Unfortunately being grateful, aware, thoughtful, appreciative.... these things don't by you any extra luck in this life.
Shit happens.
and there is never a good enough reason for it.

The loss of Truman has been tough. and my mind set changes from minute to minute.
But gratitude.... that is what photography is to me. It's gratitude that people can see.

Most of all this year, i am trying to focus on being grateful for my life.
Severe pre-eclampsia almost killed me this year.
Yes, it killed my son, yes i have guilt that i am still alive and he isn't.
But i know how lucky I am that i did not have life altering seizures and die from this dangerous disease.
I think about all the women before me who have lost their lives to this disease or who have walked this path and then i think about all the women in the future who will face this. They just love their children, they just want to be a mother.

I am an organic, holistic woman, when i can be. But i am SO grateful for modern medicine. It has saved my life more times then i can count.
I am grateful for nurse Elspeth, the woman who helped me stay emotionally strong during my 13 days in the hospital.

I am grateful for coffee, summer days, warm breezes, plaid shirts, beautiful rugs, cars that are in perfect working condition, hand written letters, music, bathtubs, swimming pools, bathing suits, hammocks, art, pumpkin coffee creamer, apple pie, clothing, shoes, the love of friends and family, humor, movies, flowers, dogs, old quilts, Nutella, the south, moss gardens, succulent gardens,  DIY tutorials, dolphins, traveling, snorkeling, cameras, natural parks, people who can make me laugh, random acts of kindness, gifts for no reason, homemade jam.... I could go on forever.

Saying all that, I do not feel particularly cheery this holiday season. The gratitude is in no way out weighing the sense of loss, the desperation, the confusion, the injustice. Like i said, i have always been grateful. I don't need a holiday for a reminder, i live my life in a way that clutches onto every moment.
Even before Truman died, i would kiss Jeff goodbye in a way that if it was the last time that i ever saw him, that i would be satisfied. I made sure to always say i love you. I made sure to always let people know how grateful i am for every single little thing.
It didn't matter.
Being grateful helps you feel like this life is beautiful, like it's worth living. But it doesn't help you with luck. It won't keep you from having horrible things happen to you.
I guess that is just where my perspective is right now.

I can not help but feel like the gratitude that seeps form the holiday season makes losses more poignant. That empty chair at the dinner table, the empty baby blanket, the silence of this room, this house.... it's still there.
and no matter how many things i list that i love about this life, it's not making the pain of that empty space any smaller.
I will forever be grateful for Truman.
But what happened to us is absolutely horrific. and i will never, ever, be okay with losing him the way that i did and i will never be okay with living the rest of my time here in this life without him.

I love being outside. I love nature. I feel connected to Truman when i am outside.
But, this assignment was definitely the hardest one for me.
I took many 100 steps in many different directions. I took many shots.
the first attempt was a failure. My perspective, or attitude, was making its way into my photos. They were lacking, dull, unimaginative.
I tried again several time and they turned out a little better.

One thing that i can hang on to is other people's perspectives of similar loss.
It helps to heal me.

When we came home from the hospital, after being gone for 2 weeks, our food garden had not been watered at all and was doing great.

Jeff came walking back up to the house with an arm full of veggies and said, "I can not believe that this forgotten garden is still alive but Truman isn't."

An ant will cruise by, or a slug, or an annoying fly. Or a plant will be not watered and tended to for weeks and there it is, seemingly "simple creatures," alive. and Truman isn't.

Jeff's perspective, rings in my ears all of the time now. and things like that have happened with so many other words that my baby loss friends have said.

It's like your words come alive, reach something that is deep within me that i didn't know how to say out loud yet. I've never met you in person, yet i feel like you are right here with me, holding my hand, staring at this overwhelming emotion and trying to make sense of it all.
It keeps me from being alone in this.
and i am grateful for that. I am grateful for you.

I am also grateful for my friends that have not experienced baby loss but still come here and read my blog. You don't shy away from this and i can not tell you how much that means to me that you read my words to understand where i am at. That is beautiful, meaningful, thoughtful and i love you for that.

I hope all you guys had a Happy Thanksgiving.