The momma who writes "The Progressive Parent" lost her son today. SIDS they believe.
Send her some love. We have such a community of support here, it'd be lovely to reach out to her during such a dark time for her.

http://www.theprogressiveparent.org/

I've heard that you show sooner and more with second pregnancies.
Well, I'm 9 weeks and people at work are already pointing at my bulging baby bump and asking questions.

----

Jeff and I, our child-less selves, went out to grab a bite yesterday.
The waitress randomly told us that when she went back to grab the menus for us that she almost grabbed a kids menu too.
I saw Truman's toddler ghost sitting in the invisible highchair next to me. It flashed through my mind that maybe in another dimension he is sitting here with us.
and maybe on some level the waitress saw it too which is why she chose to say something. who knows.
but i told her that i am pregnant now so she must have a sixth sense about these things and she seemed to like that.

the Big Little c.

Today i got a call from my nurse telling me that my prenatal panel came back with a positive antibody.
Sound familiar? lol
like wtf, right?
Well, turns out, now my body is producing little "c" antibodies. Whatever that even means.
I just can't even believe the back and forth up and downs of all of this.
I can't even read about what any of this even means becasue it all sounds like it was plucked from a horror movie.
Here's the kicker..... my doctor thinks that i got the antibody from my blood transfusion that saved my life when i had Truman. What luck. What are the odds? and what are the odds that as rare as this antibody is, some of the women on line talk about in corelation with pre-eclampsia.
They will be testing Jeff too just incase he is a carrier.

The risks that this antibody brings to the table along with my pre-eclampsia risks... well.... they knocked me off my feet today.

I was SO hoping for a non-eventful and smooth pregnancy. and today i feel like i lost that. I know now that my body is attacking this baby and trying to kill it like it tried to kill Truman. and i am confused on if this is in the same way or a different way or in an accelerated way that this is occuring.
I really don't know much right now.
For being a science-brain, this antibody stuff isn't the most intuituve stuff to figure out.
I'm waiting to hear back from my beloved peri at UCSF and i have an appt next week on the 31st.
So no answers until i hear back.

I am in the bargining stage.
I hope that it was human error. Or someone read the reports wrong, again.
I have never yearned so much for a misdiagnosis.

When i'm pregnant, i am not the emotional type. I become very calm and stoic. In general, i'm not a crier but even less so when pregnant.
I cried today.
I cried becasue i lost a little bit of the hope and innocence that i was so desperately clutching on to that there was even a slight possiblity that this would be an easier pregnancy then i had with Truman.
and i cried for this baby.
not only has it had less celebration and excitement.... it seems to be acquiring more and more odds against it. and it's just heartbreaking.
I feel so bad for it.
I don't want it to suffer like it's brother did.

threatened miscarriage

I have been bleeding for about a week.
Spotting mostly but last night it accelerated to bright red.
Jeff has been a nervous wreck.

Part of me worried.... obviously when i first saw the blood especially.
but truly most of me just sat back and said to myself "okay then this is how its gonna be.... then fine, whatever else it's going to be, whatever. I can handle anything. Jeff and i together can handle anything."

In a way this "threatened miscarriage" has my doctor s calling it, has empowered me.

We are all at the whim of our cells to behave so that we can be ourselves for a while.

I want this baby to live.
But i wanted Truman to live too and wanting and pleading and praying and begging got me no where.
I fully understand that whatever happens- will. and it will be scary no matter what and to what degree it will hurt will depend on how things pan out.

Some of the people that know that i am pregnant are expecting me to be alot more high strung, emotional and freaked out than i am. I can sense it by what they say and how they say it. but i don't know how to break it to them that really, i have this covered.
Because i know more then anyone how little control i have.
I know what the worst possible sceanario is.
and i am want it more then i am fearful of it.
my pregnancies will never be normal. the innocence is gone.

at times i feel like i have even blocked true frear from entering my mind.... maybe i am protecting myself on some level. But there is a TON of acceptance with this pregnancy.
What will be, will be.
I will do everything that i can do for this child.
and i will continue to evaluate how to take each step for this child.
My instincts are telling me that for right now, this child is fine.

Tomorrow is our first ultra sound.
I hope to see a heartbeat and some reassuring news.

1/4

I want the support of my baby loss friends so much right now.

We know this family through mutual friends. Jeff has bonded with them a lot over the past few months and begged me to go over to their house with them for dinner.
They are really a lovely family.
But they all heave legit hearing problems.
So they all SCREAM. Very very loud.
It's kind of funny really. I heard the mother/wife reading the littlest one her bed time story after dinner.
Screaming, " AND THEN THEY REACHED THE CASTLE..."
lol how relaxing.

For me, this pregnancy, i feel FRAGILE ..... and calm.
and i NEED calm. Majorly.
But i really had no idea what i was getting myself into with this dinner.
So as i sat there and had a grown woman screaming, an 11 year old screaming over her and a 5 year old screaming over both of them.
Needless to say i became internally overwhelmed.
I just wanted to go home and lay down but didn't want to seem rude so i just struggled through the evening.
As the night went on i became more and more uncomfortable.
Everything in my body was telling me to leave and just hide and hibernate. Get away from the stressors.
I finally got Jeff to leave without seeming rude and desperate to get out of there.
I feel bad because they are really lovely (LOUD) people. i am just in way too sensitive of a space right now.
So we get home.
I go to the bathroom and i am spotting.
Jeff panics. I stay calm and just have been bed resting it since.
I called the doctor and they just are not reassuring at all. They said they think its nothing to worry about.
Great, like i believe anything that they think anyways.
Sorry i just do not trust the medical community up here any more.
they are clueless unless everything is going perfectly.
I have just basically accepted that i am geographically in the worst possible place in ALL of america to have high risk pregnancy.
But they aren't going to be able to do anything to help me not miscarry anyways.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week.
First one.
and part of me is already preparing myself for bad news just in case.
I REALLY wish that i could be excited about this baby. But i already feel like i am clutching onto it for dear life.
Willing it to live.
and it's hard to be excited when you are just begging your uterus every day to co-operate and not be hostile.

I'm not sure if it was just the internalized stress of being in that household.
Or if it was me over exerting myself in any way.
Or maybe it is the fibroid?
I just don't know. and they don't either.

I'll be emailing my peri at UCSF, of course.

All of you know how not-religious i am. I am finding myself praying/ begging for this child. Mostly i am asking Truman for help. I just really want a smooth pregnancy and delivery and life with this baby.
I am tired of fighting so hard. and obviously i will continue to. that's what we do. the bereaved, we are tired and we keep fighting. but i just really would love a little extra help through this process. and i'm just not sure how to get it.

Today i talked to Jeff about announcing again. He is so much more private then i am when it comes to this pregnancy after loss stuff.
I need the extra support and i want so badly to tell everyone and go public. For me, i think it will help me to celebrate this little life growing inside me. Truman taught me so much about life. and every single day with this child is a GIFT. and i appreciate it deeply. So that is what i am focusing on instead of the fear of miscarrying. Anything can happen. I knew this going in. I just have to be thankful for right now. and right now that little soul is growing inside of me as far as I know. A universe of cells diving and hopefully everything is going well.
I beg my uterus to be kind and to accept this child and it's placenta.

In the meantime, i'm trying to respect Jeffrey's needs for privacy and my need to vent and type my way through it all.
I know many people would just say things like "You just need to stay positive" ... and all that. Well obviously.... but you, my bereaved friends, get how much more it really is. You can be positive and realistic at the same damn time.

So for the meantime i'm on self-diagnosed bed rest.... until I go back to work on Sunday. Good thing I gave my boss a heads up early that i pregnant.

The grieving has been hard these past few days.
It's sort of crazy how something so happy and hopeful can make you long and miss even harder.

Jeff was even quiet and emotional today.

It's just so complex.

I can tell he is waiting for something bad to happen. more so then he is excited. which is sad.

Coming to realize that our first experience- our only experience- with parenthood is scarred. and we are gun shy from having our heart shattered into millions of little pieces. We have nothing else to go off of.
We truly are feeling around in the dark.



++++


I'm definitely going to have to tell my boss. The exhaustion is overwhelming this time around. I don't want her to think i just stopped caring.

Christmas Day 12/25/12

Today has been okay. Jeff woke up visibly in his "I'm missing Truman" mode.
Which made me ache and long for him even more.

My emotions really are all over the place.
I went from excited to be pregnant.
To longing for Truman and feeling guilty that i am excited about a new baby.
To watching Elf and laughing.
To cleaning the whole house and eating everything in sight.
To thinking about pulling out Truman's baby clothes.
To thinking about how people responded to the news of me being in the hospital with Truman, sick, near death, and telling me to basically "buck up" that they knew "everything will be just fine."
To looking up miscarriage signs.
To looking up Jessica Simpson's due date.
To looking up "Pregnancy after Loss".

and here i am.

I am pregnant right now. I am grateful for this moment.
Like many of you I am swaying between grateful and merry and longing and devastated.

So many things to think about. Not just for me and baby. But Jeff. and our parents. our siblings. our friends. our co-workers. our community.
i am already thinking about how i am going to have to deal with not only my own issues but other people's issues during this pregnancy. and it makes me feel wiped out.

I thought about pregnancy swim and how i'm looking forward to that again.
and the questions and my answers and how i will be viewed by these know-it-all holistic vegan water birthing Arcata types.
I feel different then every other pregnant woman ever.
Which is maybe me feeling sorry for myself but whatever. I'm on day 2 of this, i'll allow it.
This is not my first child.
This will not be my first birth.
and if the baby dies then it will not be my first loss.
and just because i am not parenting a living child makes what i deal with on a daily basis any less to talk about with ease.
or to be curious about.
but people aren't curious about how you survive your son's death.
They think they already have all the answers.
Or want to hear about the happy memories that I do have with him.
And in the same breath, my ONLY interaction with parenting a live child lasted 3 days and resulted in the biggest heart break ever, him dying.
So i don't even know how to imagine anything else really at this point.
Very conflicting.
It's not a situation that most people feel like chatting about.
They rather hear themselves debate car seat choices and ideal birthing story situations.
Maybe i am already a little bitter of their ability to stay innocent. Because things did work out for them and they expect them to again.
and i'm bitter that they aren't going to want to hear about how it didn't work out for me.
and just like i'm not going to want to listen to their seemingly superficial concerns, they aren't going to want to listen to my grieving and bereaved warrior concerns.
Yeah, warrior. I feel like we are. Brave and a little bit crazy to throw ourselves head first into pregnancy after loss.

And here i am pregnant, on purpose.... still 3,000 miles away from my closest friends and family.
after loss.
The isolation was horrible while pregnant, unbearable after loss.... and i put myself into the same position. Well at least i am better equipped this time around. maybe.
Begging Jeff to move this May.

T'was the night before Xmas

Yesterday was a "stormy" day here in Humboldt. (12/23/12)
I use quotation marks because the range of weather here is  pathetic compared to the range that i am use to on the east coast. One clap of thunder and a slight wind here and people are "batten down the hatches". I just smile and find it amusing because of the extreme weather that I have blown through in my day.
Anyways.
yesterday.
after it all blew over people were coming into work going on and on about all the rainbows outside. The stories that i was hearing were unbelievable. Rainbows in every direction, every which way.

I found my mind wandering. I hope this is a sign that my rainbow is coming.

Jeff and I started trying this past month. 12/12/12 was the lucky day. TMI, maybe... but not so much if you know that my lucky number has always been 12.

I woke up this morning and pee'd on a stick. and there is was. (12/24/12)

two. pink. lines.

My rainbow is coming. No, my rainbow is here.

Since then, the reactions have been interesting. All SO different from Truman.
As you all know too well. The innocence is gone. But that's not necessarily a bad thing either. It's just completely different.
I am calm, i feel hopeful, but i am very much living in the now.
Right NOW I have this rainbow. I have no idea how long it will stay with us, i hope forever, but we will just take it one day at a time.

My Dad is very happy and feels very similiar to me. (it's his birthday today)
Gail, Jeff's mom, cried tears of emotion.
Jeff went into self preservation mode.
I don't blame him.
I think my mind is doing it too, just in different ways.
He is not really believing any of it yet. Once you believe it, then you want it and then if it goes away, it hurts like hell.
So he still is working on that. But i'll give him more then 24 hours to process it ;)

This baby is already getting the shaft. I hate to say that but i feel it and this is the place for me to just say whatever i want.... and this baby doesn't get the overwhleming joy and innocence and excitment. It gets the happy and hopeful but hesitating to fully open up and accept  kind of reaction. It just a guarded, a "my heart has been torn into tiny pieces before" reaction.

This little soul, Truman's sibling.
They both deserve so much more.
They both deserve to live, knowing each other and loving each other. Singing and playing. teaching each other all the wonderful things that siblings teach each other over the years.

So here we are, navigating Clerc baby #2. The rainbow baby that never negates Truman or the strom we faced after losing him.

I feel OVERWHELMINGLY grateful that we got pregnant right away. In fact i was not expecting that at all. I was expecting at least 3-6 months of trying to conceive.
I know how hard it is for so many to conceive and part of me feels guilty that it came so easily to me this time when it doesn't for others who want it just as badly.
I wish this life was fair and made sense, i truly do.
But i do feel grateful and calm and hopeful.
We are just going to take it one day at a time.

So from here i start to think about what to say when people ask me if this is my first child.
I think that I will stay Tru to Tru and say 'no, this is my second.' and suffer through the 'oh how old is your first?' questions.

Figuring out how to look forward to a living child seems almost impossible right now.... now that i have a little fetus growing inside me, it's like what is coming natural is one second at a time kind of thinking. Let's not get a head of ourselves.
Wheither this baby dies or lives, it's now a part of our family.
Truman's sibling. FOREVER.

So tonight on Christmas Eve 2012.....
I fall asleep holding Truman tightly....
my first baby who paved the way.....
cradling him in my heart....
 and holding his sibling in my womb.....
hoping for the best.
Merry Christmas, friends. <3 p="">

A friend shared this video on Facebook and it gave me chills and i was sent spinning back to UCSF.
Think of Jeff, coming and going from the hospital for those 2 weeks.
The words will resonate with many of you my dear and cherished, friends. <3 br="br">


You're just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your mother's eyes,
I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can, but for now your scan of my unmade plans,
A small bump in four months, you're brought to life
A small bump in four months, you'll open your eyes

I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
[another version:] I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

You're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes.

And I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
[another version:] And I'll hold you tightly, I'll tell you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

You can lie with me,
With your tiny feet
When you're half asleep,
I'll leave you be.
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I can keep you safe.

'Cause you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

My heart is breaking for the parents who lost a child yesterday.
absolutely senseless and heart-breaking.