threatened miscarriage

I have been bleeding for about a week.
Spotting mostly but last night it accelerated to bright red.
Jeff has been a nervous wreck.

Part of me worried.... obviously when i first saw the blood especially.
but truly most of me just sat back and said to myself "okay then this is how its gonna be.... then fine, whatever else it's going to be, whatever. I can handle anything. Jeff and i together can handle anything."

In a way this "threatened miscarriage" has my doctor s calling it, has empowered me.

We are all at the whim of our cells to behave so that we can be ourselves for a while.

I want this baby to live.
But i wanted Truman to live too and wanting and pleading and praying and begging got me no where.
I fully understand that whatever happens- will. and it will be scary no matter what and to what degree it will hurt will depend on how things pan out.

Some of the people that know that i am pregnant are expecting me to be alot more high strung, emotional and freaked out than i am. I can sense it by what they say and how they say it. but i don't know how to break it to them that really, i have this covered.
Because i know more then anyone how little control i have.
I know what the worst possible sceanario is.
and i am want it more then i am fearful of it.
my pregnancies will never be normal. the innocence is gone.

at times i feel like i have even blocked true frear from entering my mind.... maybe i am protecting myself on some level. But there is a TON of acceptance with this pregnancy.
What will be, will be.
I will do everything that i can do for this child.
and i will continue to evaluate how to take each step for this child.
My instincts are telling me that for right now, this child is fine.

Tomorrow is our first ultra sound.
I hope to see a heartbeat and some reassuring news.