Tragedy, anger and old resentment

My friend, Scott, I have known him as long as I can remember.
He was my boyfriend on and off in the 5th and 6th grade. We've lost touch over the years but he will always be a part of my past.

His fiancee and his 7 month old beautiful little girl were in an accident yesterday around 9 am.
A drunk driver hit them and it killed his baby girl.
The driver was already charged with a DWI and after the accident was put on bail and released.

News video

His daughter is dead...

I didn't sleep much last night after the news.
To be honest, it sent my own grief reeling. I just put myself in his shoes. It's close to home. Re-living the loud and deafening anguish of those first few weeks and months.
Makes me sick that Scott has to go through this. I was fucking pissed and no one in particular took my child's life. I can not imagine the anger that he must be feeling... and if it hasn't come yet, i'm sure it will. I am angry for them. and i am so far away from home, so far to do anything to really help besides be one of them many who continue to write to them. Lost in a sea of letters.

The dimensions of losing a child.
it's never ending, far reaching, louder and bigger then you can imagine unless you've lived through it yourself.
The loss seems to be contagious and seeps into every single groove and crack of your life. You lose more then just your child. As if that wasn't enough.

I could go on and on about how much i lost and continue to lose. but there are never enough words.

and you know, people say stupid shit..... this is in the public eye now.... i can not even imagine the volume of stupid shit that people are going to say to them..... makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I just wish that i was there to help them on some level.
what i really wish is that no one would ever have to experience the death of a child again. if only.

For me this has spurred a range of emotions, one being old resentment.
I have this old friend who i think is an asshole. Said person angers me with many of their actions for a multitude of reasons. and they just were flat out not there for me when Truman died.
But when ANYTHING else happens in the community, there that person is, saying SOMETHING, anything, publicly. and it is just a slap in the face, maybe even a spit in the face.

So of course this person is showing concern for this family.... but not mine when it was my time... and it angers me all over again. I am really angry right now and trying to direct it away from this meaningless topic and utter waste of time.
This person wasn't just a friend, they were part of my family. So i just can not even wrap my mind around how person can live with themselves. Seriously. or how they could be so self obsessed/ involved that the death of Truman, an innocent baby, wasn't enough to snap them out of it. To me the only thing that makes sense is that said person has completely lost themselves and their mind. To act with such disregard of the relationship.... of the grief... of the tragedy.
Said person was telling me about how busy they were, just wayyyy too overwhelmed with life to call when T died but you look at their facebook page and there are countless self portraits posing and showing off body parts. Anyone who has that much time on there hands... well it speaks for itself really.
and i put up with that person's self inflicted drama's for so long and when something happened to me that was so painful, they were distant- on purpose for no reason. It's beyond hurtful.
So anytime something happens like this, it brings that back up for me.
But nothing will ever fix it or make it easier for me so i'm not even sure how just ignore it. Now i just have to LIVE with this person constantly insulting me and what we went through. Truman deserved to have words, love and attention just like Baylee does now.

We all need support in the face of such HEART BREAK. I was just missing said person's kids before all of this happened and thinking about the good old times.... and then Baylee was taken way too soon and this horrible situation served as a reminder.... the trauma that I went through and was ignored.
Truman was ignored.
Fuck that.

Tests, tests, and more tests.

This may sound completely reckless of me.... as someone VERY high risk... but i don't want to run anymore tests.
I don't want to lose another baby either.
But what are the tests going to tell me exactly?

No matter what they say i am going to try to have another baby.
I think.

Not sure if i should just tempt statistics and fate and just plunge in without thinking twice or if i should allow the doctors to tell me more scary possibilities...
when the facts are, we don't know ANYTHING. Especially about pre-eclampsia.

all of these tests may help me, they may not....


anyways... i'm waiting on some test results and deciding if i want to continue with more testing or not....
things will continue to unfold.

Obama for Rainbow Babies 2012

relief.
lighter breath.
tears of joy.
restored faith in my peers.
sense of security.

I'm sure most of you know how big Tuesday night was for me.
I spent most of the day, before the results, with my stomach in knots and tears running down my cheeks.
I was just beyond exhausted and scared. I can't imagine how the candidates were feeling. Everyone worked so hard and it had been such a long election year.
The "what if" thoughts were making it worse. I just really didn't know what i was going to do.
But it doesn't matter now.

Because Obama won and I can keep my PCIP Obamacare.

I went for my 3+ mile victory run yesterday and whipped out some great times. I even saw a small rainbow on the way.
Barack really does inspire me as an individual.
He has had many many obstacles, booby traps, racist remarks and people's worst wishes to all overcome. And he has done it with strength and grace.
I never thought a politician would effect me so much on this baby loss journey. It is definitely on my bucket list to personally thank him face to face someday..... he will never know just how much he has helped shape my life and my hope.

After the election Obama gave a speech, not his actually victory speech which was also amazing but this was just a little one saying thank you to young supporters.

Just thought that I would share because I think it shows how much he really does care... and how much he has tried. He just can't hold it all in any more. He is human. and this has been one long road.

When i was pregnant with Truman i joked about buying him an Obama onesie to rock... but it's no joke anymore... any and all of my future babes will be Obama fans... they will be here because of him.
It is really crazy how we all effect each other in this world.

My pre-conception appointment here in town with an OB is on the 16th.
I can not wait to go.
This election gave me a little bit of strength to face this next pregnancy and be brave.
i'll keep you updated loves.

xoxo

what to do, what to do

Today was a really tough one for me. The past few days have been.
Nothing new or profound to say. Just another rough day that i plowed through.
Truman was definitely with me today. In every little way.
and the little bumps and nudges that the universe sends me in it's own way has ben saying... "you are ready to start taking steps to give Truman a sibling."

I get scared. I get overwhelmed. I think of Truman and i miss him so much and my heart aches and breaks like it does everyday, for him. I just want him back.
and so i go through the whole thought of getting pregnant again,
and how much worry and work it's going to be,
and then i think, but that baby will not be Truman, i am never getting Truman back.
and the completely obvious thought takes a moment to digest and understand that I will be willing another child, completely different from Truman, into this world, and anything may happen. It could end the same, it could end differently, i have no idea.
but i still want him.
even if i have 500 more babies.
I still miss him.
my heart still breaks and aches every single day with out him.

I go through all of these thoughts and emotions within seconds.
then i'm back to 'holy shit i don't want to die, or become disabled and leave Jeff to fend for himself in this fucked up world'.
I am so scared to die.
and then as soon as the fear sets in... someone will say something like, "Gotta do it while you are still breathing." or "Gotta try while you have the chance."or "You'll never be this young again." or "You could be hit by a bus between then and now."
you get the drift.
and i  just think to myself, yeah, this is it. If i die giving birth to my children, at least I was brave and my love for them made me courageous. I wanted them that much that i braved it all.
I'm living my life and trying while i still can instead of just being paralyzed by fear. right?

So here is the kicker.
Like I've said before, I need Obama to win this election so that I can keep my preexisting condition insurance plan through his Obamacare.
I can probably start TRYING getting pregnant in January.... IF i could find a MFM or perinatologist here in the area... but SURPRISE, this is fucking Humboldt county and the medicine here is a literally a joke... they don't have a single one! Closest one is 6 hours away :)

So i asked around and there is one OB that is good with "high risk stuff". His reviews online are only horrifyingly terrible 50% of the time. Not very comforting.
I think i'm going to make an appointment just to talk with him and see what he is all about.
Still though.... it's not comforting enough for me.

Or, i could call the MFM's and perinatologists that I worked with when i had Truman in San Fran and see i they would be willing to do a long distance (6 hours away) thing with my favorite doctor, Dr. Hoopman, here in town. I have a feeling this is a loooong shot.

But i really don't want to have to wait to try until we leave here. this waiting sucks. the earliest that we would leave here is May but i think August is more realistic.
For multiple reasons, i probably SHOULD wait. I mean, who wants to move while pregnant!? No one.
and that way i can be settled somewhere else and find a good doctor and not up here in hicksville having less then mediocre care.

I am trying to plan this out so that Jeff is not in grad school (starting Spring/Jan of 2014) when i give birth.

If i get pregnant in Jan then the baby would likely come in August/September/October depending on if the pre-eclampsia shows up or not.... and if i get pregnant right away.  That means if the baby needs to spend some time in the NICU.... we have some months open to help each other before he starts back up at Grad school in January.

So LOTS to think about and consider... am i ready to hurl myself into all of the risk and just see how it pans out, or should I just wait it out? Either way this next pregnancy is going to be scary no matter what. WHEN to start trying is that major question? What if it takes me a year to get pregnant? or longer? then none of this will even matter. Lots of plans to consider just to give my brain the sense that i have a pinch of control in my own destiny will unfold with this... which we all know all to well how little we truly have.

All of this to worry about and consider and my life STILLLLLL hangs in the balance with this F'ing election. For all i know all of these options may not even be options a month from now. Nov 6th can not come fast enough.

The newly wed life has been amazing.
Missing Truman has not changed.
Waiting to TTC has been hard lately. I feel like the only person who has to wait this long for a rainbow, it sucks.

So i am writing now to inform all of you that I have been doing some self-assessing lately and I think that I have WAY to much invested in this political election.
I am exhausted.
and to be honest, watching Obama the other night during the debates, he is too.
and i do not blame him.

I have so much riding on this election and i wish that he would have stepped up and pepped up a bit to delusional cocky Mitt. But it was very disappointing, the entire thing.

and it made me really sad.

so i started thinking about worst case scenarios.
The reason that i fight so much, talk so much, involve myself SO much in politics is because I feel like it is a way of controlling what happens to me and Truman's siblings.

I want to fight for them. I want to be pro-active for our future. I want to have a positive outlook and to be hopeful.
But i am starting to see the really ugly, greedy and selfish ways of other americans and it's really starting to effect me.
and it comes back to square one, the day after Truman died.
People who don't know how it feels, don't care, they don't understand and never will. They simply do not care because it isn't them who lives with it.
It is very defeating. I am tired of fighting. If they don't get it by now, they probably will never.

So i need to prepare for if Obama loses. How do i even begin to prepare for that?
To lose all that hope that i got back from after Truman died once i was covered by Obamacare in April? To live in fear again that day one Romney is going to take away my PCIP health insurance?

Set one of our plan to TTC is : keep PCIP.
Once again something that appears to be so far out of my control is in motion.

I don't want to be a political nut. I don't want to have so much invested into what other people think and do with their lives and their votes.
i just want my fucking chance to be a mother to Truman's siblings with health care.
That's it.

Finally: The Clerc Family

It's been far too long since i've blogged.
While busy with the wedding i wrote and then never finished about 3 posts. owell.

here are some shots from my wedding that my friends took and then a link to my professional photographer's page. Like her on facebook! She is awesome!

http://daniellecapitophotography.com/2012/09/laura-jeff-married-big-sur-ca-destination-wedding/

Cutting the pie. I made all the pie/cake stands myself.

I love you every step of the way

Our meal was inspired by our favorite dishes from Key West, New Orleans and Big Sur. Very memorable meal!

Neither of us thought that we would cry... we both did! and everyone else too.

Me and my big brother.

flaunting my dress

Kisses 

 hanging

After everything we ended up having a huge unplanned dance party n the deck. the hair came down and we got down. I love how it all happened in a genuine way. there was no need for a DJ... or someone to prompt us.... we just danced like there was no tomorrow because we were all that happy.

This pic is my brother, Jeff and I.

Walking down the aisle to "Let me call you sweetheart", which is a song that my Opa (grandfather) use to sing to me.

down the stairs at sunset

My Dad and my brother

We felt Truman with us all day. We were so happy and sad at the same time but as you guys know, it's the way life is now.
We had to cancel the lantern send off for Truman because there have been several fires in California.... my florist survived the last Big Sur fire and begged me not to risk it.
Jeff and I love the Big Sur area way too much to ever risk burning it in Truman's name. So we will be putting most of the lanterns up on Oct 15th for the Remembrance day for all of our babies instead!

I'll try to write wedding story details soon!

xo,

Truman's 1st Birthday

I woke up today and my first awake thought was "he was still alive".
There was a day in my life, this time last year, that i woke up and he was with me still. Again, with the constant feeling of being surprised that any of this happened at all.
Tomorrow will be another day, that he was with us.
Just these two days feel like time is slowing down a bit and allowing us to absorb this a little.

I was a mess leading up to his birthday.
The weirdest part about it all is that at times i felt numb, not much emotion at all but tears would run down my cheeks or well up in my eyes. Pouring out whenever they had a quick minute.
I would look in the mirror and catch glimpses of his face in mine and just ask myself how the hell did this happen?
Shocked all over again that i had a boy, who was mine, who looked like me, who loved me, who kicked me, heard me, saw me, touched me and he is gone now.
i think about his time in the NICU and i think that he waited for me too. I was waiting for him to get stronger. I just hope that he never felt like i abandoned him while he was in there and i had to be away from him.

On his birthday, August 1st, i woke up with a deep feeling of pride.
A year ago, i gave birth, he made me a mother, he was the best little boy to ever live and his life makes me so proud.
I will always be proud to be his mother.
I wanted to fill the day with meaningful activities that make us feel close to Truman.
Jeff was not on the same page. He was in the sad, lets stay in bed all day long and zone out type of grief. So i laid with him, soothing his need to just be. We watched the Olympics and i made eggs. We ate breakfast in bed and just cuddled. There is a tenderness between Jeff and I, and on days like these we love each other a little bit more like we would love Truman too. With just a little extra care. I cherish that.
I think the Olympics are good for us, people. That connection to the human body and what it is capable of. It's unbelievable.
After a few hours I pulled Jeff out of bed and we headed out into the world. "It's only going to be his 1st birthday once." seemed to do the trick to getting him motivated.

We spent some time in Truman's raspberry patch, picking raspberries. Jeff took some pictures. I have to say that meeting Josh&Kari and MissingMolly has really helped Jeff appreciate my blogging a lot more. Which is awesome for me.
(he always asks about you guys and wants updates on your blog posts.)

We had to apply for our marriage license for the wedding and i wanted to do it on Truman's birthday as a gesture of including him. Our little family. So we headed down to the Courthouse.
The Courthouse itself reminded me of a hospital, just something about those official community type buildings.
We headed up to the top floor, the 5th floor. The building is sad, run down and dirty, as most of Eureka CA is. We opened the door to the records office and it was like we entered a completely different building. It was new and fresh. Tall ceilings. Rows of books that looked important.
Skylights. Tall windows overlooking the rest of Old town and part of the bay. Very nice.

A falcon dipped back and forth in front of the windows.
It reminded me of being in room 1512 at UCSF. Once i was transported to San Fran, my only animal companion for weeks was the hawk who would fly back and forth outside of my window. I watched it and wondered if it's presence meant anything.
Jeff and I are both animal people (his is a Wildlife Biologist, i am Veterinary) and we can identify most species fairly quickly.
While falcon's are different from hawks, they are still a bird of prey. Something felt familiar.

The very nice lady took her time going over our paperwork and went over the details of what we need to do.
"Groom sign here, Bride sign here."
As my pen left the paper, i looked up at the big clock on the wall.
It was 3:53pm.
One year before at that exact moment Truman was taken out of my body and we heard one little chirp of a cry, the only cry that we will ever hear of his.
I turned to Jeff and said, "It's 3:53- kiss me."

She handed us our complimentary framable marriage certificate and we left the beautiful bright room and headed back into the run down town of Eureka.
We meandered back to our neck of the woods.

When I was pregnant with Truman we saw Quails everywhere. One reason that they remind me of him. This year there have not been nearly as many. Maybe they moved on to better feeding areas? not sure, but i miss seeing them and their cute little babies. On the way out to Truman's birthday dinner, we spotted a quail. It made me happy. It made me feel like he was maybe with us on some level.

We had a dinner, toasted to our parenthood, our sweet boy and each other. I lied to the waiter and told him that it was my birthday and wanted a creme brulee with one candle on it.

My boy needed a wish. We blew the candle out together and i hope that he could hear the wishes that we made for him. I hope that he is everywhere and all of these things mean something.

My father will say that they are all nice coincidences (atheism). My religious/spiritual friends will all say that it all meant that he was with us.

I have no idea either way but i HOPE it's more than just coincidence. I hope that he was with us. Either way i am paying attention. To the patterns. I am looking for meaning. I just acknowledge that these strange things happen and hope, whisper i love you and think about our time with him.

The sun was setting while we finished up dinner. I thought about the baby loss friends who believe that all the children who have gone too soon come together and paint the colors of the sunset for everyone who miss them.
It's such a nice thought.
But the sunsets here always seem to be dull to me (or maybe those are just the Hum-colored glasses that i'm always wearing?) ...... and I thought about Truman and all the color that seemed to pour out of his little soul. I imagine it as vibrant oranges and soft yellows, prisms of shimmering silver and gold, bits of purples and blues. Much more fiery and sparkly then a mediocre Hum Sunset. No comparison.

As the sun set i thought how another day has ended.
Another day without him- gone. I have the rest of my life to go and i wonder when that will end too.

After dinner we went down to Moonstone Beach, which was just below the restaurant. Moonstone is where we had his memorial service. It's his "spot" here in Humboldt.
The full moon lit up the night sky. The tide was coming in.
Jeff lit a lantern for Truman.
So did I.
We watched them fade away into the distance.

We love our boy.
We love his life.
His life will always outshine his death.

Instead of posting pictures of him in a high chair with his own cake smushed across his face making all of us laugh, this is what we get. We made the most of  his first birthday, the only one that we will ever get. I hate that we are apart from each other, but that will not change the reality. We have been doing okay these past 2 days, remembering his life force and what a huge gift that it will always be to us.
I'm not sure how the 4th of August will go, but we will see when we get there.

For now I just want to say-
Truman, I love you so much. I miss you every single second, every day. I hope you know how much we long for you and how much we love you. I hope you know how much we cherished our time with you. I wish we had more time together. I'll be missing you forever our sweet hearted lion cub.

 

I can not believe how much that i have been going through with the year anniversary here.
I am basically a basket case.
I truly never expected to take it this hard and my grief surprises me over and over again.
I guess on some level, in my own mind, i think that i am a lot tougher then i really am. I think that i will just sail through things when in fact that is usually not the case at all.
I remember right after Truman died, going to my doctor and asking "So how long to you think that i will feel like this? Like 3-4 months?"
She just kind of stared at me shocked. and i'm finding out how absolutely delusional that question was. This is an on-going, evolving, complex grief. and it never fails to knock me off my feet no matter how much i think i have my shit together. I can pretend all i want, but really, i'm a mess most of the time.
It's exhausting even trying as hard as i do. I try a lot. More then anyone will ever be able to see.
At any given time I'm likely to change with the tides and be at the whims of whatever this grief wants me to do. Which feels very strange and out of control. But losing T has definitely taught me that we are not all in control as much as we would like to think that we are.

This week I have just been annoyed at anything and everything. I'm guessing that this is part of the anger phase of grief? It's been hard on me. I hate feeling like this and it's perpetuated a lot of self hate/guilt that i am such a miserable bitchy annoyed mess.

I'll be doing okay for a little bit, then something small will annoy me then it snowballs, the anxiety builds, i'm pissy, then BAM! a vivid memory hits me, and i'm a crying weeping mess. Or BAM! I remember kindness from a dear friend (Julie) during the whole ordeal and I'm overwhelmed with love and gratitude sobbing hysterically. or BAM! I remember his sweet little hands gripping my finger or his foot brushing and kicking against my hands and I am crying out of guilt and longing, because i miss him and that i got so much more time with him then so many mother's get.
It's a straight up shitshow. I am all over the place, every day.
I am confused a lot.
My memories of a year ago bubble up and i am left disoriented that this even really happened at all. The tangible proof is still the same but somehow i am always surprised that this really happened to us, to him, and this is forever a part of us and our story. The memories are so messed up and traumatic and they shouldn't even exist. He is what should exist. The pain is starting to seep out in the strangest of ways.

Today Jeff and I were brave. After my morning freak out of extreme levels of high anxiety and tears we decided to go through some things.
We pulled out Truman's clothes.
His red shoes.
The pregnancy shirts and pants.
Just going through his stuff helped in some way. Just to move it around and circulate it through the house. Especially together.
I heard Jeff say things like, "I love this shirt, we have to save that for the next pregnancy." and "This onesie is so ridiculously cute" while holding it up to admire the thought of Truman in it.
He should have worn those clothes and outgrown them by now. But instead they are tokens of our love for him little treasures to pull out and imagine all the snuggly sweet times that he should have been here, filling his own shoes.

Today a year ago was Truman's "almost birthday". the night that they rushed in screaming ER c-section because his heart rate dropped, the night that Dr. Rowan snapped cased on me, the night I called my Dad and Jeff in at 3am and then false alarm but just in case they starved me and wouldn't let me drink anything for like 18 hours and did not let me sleep. I was SO thirsty. upset. stressed. Jeff and my Dad slept on a cot in my room waiting for the ER c-section decision. It was the day that i broke down and put my foot down. Hospital life had begun to really wear on me. No more magnesium sulfate burning through my veins. Now more ER c-section talk. i made it pretty clear that it felt like torture and i was getting very tired. It was definitely the most intense day at the hospital before he born. I got out of bed and pulled the date off of the calendar and wrote "your almost birthday" on it for the baby book. A memory that i was sure that i would look back on and tell him about someday. The hell that we went through to bring him home. But we never got to.
Now it just sits in his baby box on the shelf with his elephant, waiting for a purpose or something.

As the wedding approaches, i am feeling less and less bride-ish and more and more deep dark depression-ish.
I just can not imagine celebrating our life together right now while missing him so much and feeling this heavy sadness. I don't even like life lately let alone feel like celebrating it. I have dreamt about my wedding day for SO long and waited SO long to have this special day with Jeff but i wonder if we will actually be able to truly enjoy anything in our lives without Truman here. Maybe i will end up with the world's most depressing wedding. Lol - it really wouldn't surprise me.

I saw something on facebook that made me laugh.

"I'm worried that my guardian angel is a crack head", it made me laugh out loud and scroll through all of the craziness that has happened to me in my 29 years. Not just the sad and tragic stuff but the ridiculous stuff too. Like my one co-worker (40 something yr old woman) who bit me at work once when i was about 19 years old. yes, she was a human being who put her mouth on my flesh and bit down leaving teeth marks-- in front of my boss--- and everyone went on with their day like it was nothing. when i spoke up later saying that i'd prefer if she never put her mouth on me again because it was kind of messed up, everyone ended up treating me like I'm that overly sensitive girl who is weird about being touched and would apologize profusely if they bumped into me or accidentally brushed by me, lol. Um, yeah, hello crackheads. It was all beyond bizarre. You can't make this stuff up.
It's just my life.
maybe it's everyone's? ........
i dunno.

queen of the lost boys.

I was joking this week that if and when i go crazy when i'm older, I'll probably be that creepy old lady who kidnaps children. Not really, obviously. But after you loss a baby, you can kind of see how maybe craziness/ grief might progress to a point where someone would do such a thing.

So today i was shopping at Kohl's. There is literally like no where to shop here in Hum and so Kohl's is pretty much all that i have to work with.
This particular Kohl's is connected to the "mall" which doesn't have much else in it.
Anyways.
I was shopping for work clothes because i've lost two pants sizes since I had Truman last year (running).
I heard an employee message to another employee that "she is searching for her baby"
"what?" he replied
"her baby, she is searching for her baby, she lost him."

obviously my ears caught this conversation.
I thought about the mother's panic and worry. I consider every single possible horrible scenario that could have happened. Including kidnapping or the kid getting outside somehow (which the mall is near a busy highway).
I continued to shop around the store keeping my ears open and watching all the employees circle the store like sharks searching everywhere for him.
At one point, I asked an employee "Did i hear that you are looking for a lost little boy?"
He blew me off, not wanting to share any information which confused me. Why wouldn't you want all the help that you can get? It's not a time to keep people's privacy.

After 20 mins, i thought that i heard someone say that they had found him. But apparently i was wrong, maybe they were asking if he was found instead of telling. I was in part of the store where there weren't many people and there he was. A blonde little boy. Hiding in the close rack. Peeking his sweet little face out from behind the clothes.
I bent down and said hello. Asked him where is mommy is.
My heart squeezing with pain when the question escaped my mouth. I know how it feels to be separated from my boy.  and the panic of it all at first.
He didn't really talk well. So i stood up and looked around for another adult.
It crossed my mind that there was a possibility that they would think that i took him. Maybe not, they don't know my story. They don't know that i am only half way to crazy town, not fully there yet.
I walked out of the section and grabbed one of the circling associates. "I found a baby boy, alone without his mother."
She looked surprised by my sentence even though you could tell that she already knew what she was doing, which was looking for him. "You did??" Her adrenaline was high.
"Yes he is right over here."
I led her to the boy and within seconds she was on her walky-talky and we were surrounded by store employees.
I started to choke up with tears. It's just not fair. I want someone to find my little boy in the clothes racks. I turned and walked away before anyone could thank me. While i was walking away i heard them say that the mother had took to searching the mall for him but was on her way back.

I'm surprised how emotional the entire situation made me.
I'm glad that i could help get him back to his mother where he belongs.
I just wish some one could help me in the same way.

At Random Visits.

I had an amazing day on thursday. I got to hang out with Josh, Kari, Stella, Margot and Leo that were here in town for a visit. It is SO awesome to sit with someone from the blog world and just chat. Just in case you are all wondering, they are just as cool if not cooler as their blog makes them out to be. Very awesome folks, awesome personalities, comforting presences to be around. I feel so lucky to have met them and get to know them even more. It was healing for me and fun.
I guess that is one of the benefits of living up here on the Lost coast, all my Cali baby loss bloggers travel up here to vacation and i reap the benefits.
The long lunch left me feeling so grateful for all of you guys. Don't know where i would be in this grief without you.

*****

My Dad is starting to grieve the loss of Truman more now that the year mark is here. 

It's funny how everyone reacts differently with grief.

I should have known because he was similar in his patterns when his parents died.

He has been talking more about Truman and everything that happened lately to me.

He has expressed that looking back now, he realizes that he was just in so much shock. Now that the shock is wearing away there is sadness.

I appreciate that he fills me in on his thoughts and emotions. It was a loss for him too. One that almost cost him his daughter, too.

As the days creep closer all I wish is that August 4th meant nothing to me, that it was just any other random day of the year, that he was still here.

We sold a painting this week at work... I glanced at it's name, which was August 4. That's when the wish hit me, I am so attached now to this day, the worst day of my life. 8/4/11. fuck.

*****

My friends Nate and Kayla live in Redding. They use to live here and travel back here quite often. They have a little girl named Rylee who is about 40 days older then Truman.

Kayla has been extremely supportive since Truman died. She has written and called and sent thoughtful gifts and really gone the extra mile to be there for me.

They came to town this week and asked me to be their daughter's "god-mother". Not in the religious sense, just in the sense that i will be a special woman figure in her life. I was honored and touched to me asked. 

There were some complicated emotions at play that i'm not really sure how to write about. 

It was the feeling of honor and pride and also deep missing of Truman and my other god-daughter, Coura, and wishing that she was still a huge part of my life. I hate that losing Truman has changed so many things. It changed my relationship with Coura and her mom and i hate it but it's not something that i know how to change, at all. I'm having a hard time accepting that i will know these children better then i know my own son. I'll have more time with them. and it's just not fair. it fucking hurts my heart.

Either way though i feel honored and proud to have a second god-daughter, Rylee. She is a cute bundle of feistiness, a little firecracker.