The grieving has been hard these past few days.
It's sort of crazy how something so happy and hopeful can make you long and miss even harder.

Jeff was even quiet and emotional today.

It's just so complex.

I can tell he is waiting for something bad to happen. more so then he is excited. which is sad.

Coming to realize that our first experience- our only experience- with parenthood is scarred. and we are gun shy from having our heart shattered into millions of little pieces. We have nothing else to go off of.
We truly are feeling around in the dark.



++++


I'm definitely going to have to tell my boss. The exhaustion is overwhelming this time around. I don't want her to think i just stopped caring.

Christmas Day 12/25/12

Today has been okay. Jeff woke up visibly in his "I'm missing Truman" mode.
Which made me ache and long for him even more.

My emotions really are all over the place.
I went from excited to be pregnant.
To longing for Truman and feeling guilty that i am excited about a new baby.
To watching Elf and laughing.
To cleaning the whole house and eating everything in sight.
To thinking about pulling out Truman's baby clothes.
To thinking about how people responded to the news of me being in the hospital with Truman, sick, near death, and telling me to basically "buck up" that they knew "everything will be just fine."
To looking up miscarriage signs.
To looking up Jessica Simpson's due date.
To looking up "Pregnancy after Loss".

and here i am.

I am pregnant right now. I am grateful for this moment.
Like many of you I am swaying between grateful and merry and longing and devastated.

So many things to think about. Not just for me and baby. But Jeff. and our parents. our siblings. our friends. our co-workers. our community.
i am already thinking about how i am going to have to deal with not only my own issues but other people's issues during this pregnancy. and it makes me feel wiped out.

I thought about pregnancy swim and how i'm looking forward to that again.
and the questions and my answers and how i will be viewed by these know-it-all holistic vegan water birthing Arcata types.
I feel different then every other pregnant woman ever.
Which is maybe me feeling sorry for myself but whatever. I'm on day 2 of this, i'll allow it.
This is not my first child.
This will not be my first birth.
and if the baby dies then it will not be my first loss.
and just because i am not parenting a living child makes what i deal with on a daily basis any less to talk about with ease.
or to be curious about.
but people aren't curious about how you survive your son's death.
They think they already have all the answers.
Or want to hear about the happy memories that I do have with him.
And in the same breath, my ONLY interaction with parenting a live child lasted 3 days and resulted in the biggest heart break ever, him dying.
So i don't even know how to imagine anything else really at this point.
Very conflicting.
It's not a situation that most people feel like chatting about.
They rather hear themselves debate car seat choices and ideal birthing story situations.
Maybe i am already a little bitter of their ability to stay innocent. Because things did work out for them and they expect them to again.
and i'm bitter that they aren't going to want to hear about how it didn't work out for me.
and just like i'm not going to want to listen to their seemingly superficial concerns, they aren't going to want to listen to my grieving and bereaved warrior concerns.
Yeah, warrior. I feel like we are. Brave and a little bit crazy to throw ourselves head first into pregnancy after loss.

And here i am pregnant, on purpose.... still 3,000 miles away from my closest friends and family.
after loss.
The isolation was horrible while pregnant, unbearable after loss.... and i put myself into the same position. Well at least i am better equipped this time around. maybe.
Begging Jeff to move this May.

T'was the night before Xmas

Yesterday was a "stormy" day here in Humboldt. (12/23/12)
I use quotation marks because the range of weather here is  pathetic compared to the range that i am use to on the east coast. One clap of thunder and a slight wind here and people are "batten down the hatches". I just smile and find it amusing because of the extreme weather that I have blown through in my day.
Anyways.
yesterday.
after it all blew over people were coming into work going on and on about all the rainbows outside. The stories that i was hearing were unbelievable. Rainbows in every direction, every which way.

I found my mind wandering. I hope this is a sign that my rainbow is coming.

Jeff and I started trying this past month. 12/12/12 was the lucky day. TMI, maybe... but not so much if you know that my lucky number has always been 12.

I woke up this morning and pee'd on a stick. and there is was. (12/24/12)

two. pink. lines.

My rainbow is coming. No, my rainbow is here.

Since then, the reactions have been interesting. All SO different from Truman.
As you all know too well. The innocence is gone. But that's not necessarily a bad thing either. It's just completely different.
I am calm, i feel hopeful, but i am very much living in the now.
Right NOW I have this rainbow. I have no idea how long it will stay with us, i hope forever, but we will just take it one day at a time.

My Dad is very happy and feels very similiar to me. (it's his birthday today)
Gail, Jeff's mom, cried tears of emotion.
Jeff went into self preservation mode.
I don't blame him.
I think my mind is doing it too, just in different ways.
He is not really believing any of it yet. Once you believe it, then you want it and then if it goes away, it hurts like hell.
So he still is working on that. But i'll give him more then 24 hours to process it ;)

This baby is already getting the shaft. I hate to say that but i feel it and this is the place for me to just say whatever i want.... and this baby doesn't get the overwhleming joy and innocence and excitment. It gets the happy and hopeful but hesitating to fully open up and accept  kind of reaction. It just a guarded, a "my heart has been torn into tiny pieces before" reaction.

This little soul, Truman's sibling.
They both deserve so much more.
They both deserve to live, knowing each other and loving each other. Singing and playing. teaching each other all the wonderful things that siblings teach each other over the years.

So here we are, navigating Clerc baby #2. The rainbow baby that never negates Truman or the strom we faced after losing him.

I feel OVERWHELMINGLY grateful that we got pregnant right away. In fact i was not expecting that at all. I was expecting at least 3-6 months of trying to conceive.
I know how hard it is for so many to conceive and part of me feels guilty that it came so easily to me this time when it doesn't for others who want it just as badly.
I wish this life was fair and made sense, i truly do.
But i do feel grateful and calm and hopeful.
We are just going to take it one day at a time.

So from here i start to think about what to say when people ask me if this is my first child.
I think that I will stay Tru to Tru and say 'no, this is my second.' and suffer through the 'oh how old is your first?' questions.

Figuring out how to look forward to a living child seems almost impossible right now.... now that i have a little fetus growing inside me, it's like what is coming natural is one second at a time kind of thinking. Let's not get a head of ourselves.
Wheither this baby dies or lives, it's now a part of our family.
Truman's sibling. FOREVER.

So tonight on Christmas Eve 2012.....
I fall asleep holding Truman tightly....
my first baby who paved the way.....
cradling him in my heart....
 and holding his sibling in my womb.....
hoping for the best.
Merry Christmas, friends. <3 p="">

A friend shared this video on Facebook and it gave me chills and i was sent spinning back to UCSF.
Think of Jeff, coming and going from the hospital for those 2 weeks.
The words will resonate with many of you my dear and cherished, friends. <3 br="br">


You're just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your mother's eyes,
I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can, but for now your scan of my unmade plans,
A small bump in four months, you're brought to life
A small bump in four months, you'll open your eyes

I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
[another version:] I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

You're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes.

And I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,
[another version:] And I'll hold you tightly, I'll tell you nothing but truth,
If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

You can lie with me,
With your tiny feet
When you're half asleep,
I'll leave you be.
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I can keep you safe.

'Cause you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you'll be alright.

You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

My heart is breaking for the parents who lost a child yesterday.
absolutely senseless and heart-breaking.

Good news!

Today i am grateful.
I just got back from the doctor's.

The bad rushed robot doctor sucks so bad that he read my blood reports wrong!!!!!!!
After my first meeting with him and his suckage I set up a second opinion appointment with the other OB in the same building. I almost cancelled it a few times but i figured I might as well go and feel out all possible options.

New doctor stood out side of my door flipping through my record, i could hear him. It took him a while.  He was taking his time. Good sign.
He walked in and was warm.
Went through my past with me. Asked questions about Truman.
He said many things that reflected what the specialists advice that i had received through UCSF.
and he explained that my results were in fact negative and maybe the other doctor had read it in a rush.
Had i not gone for another opinion, i can't help but wonder how long i would go on thinking i have a diagnosis that is in fact completely wrong? Would have he ever caught it? Would he have told me?

Jeff is kind of pissed.
My Dad, relieved.
I'm glad that i don't have to fear stroke or heart attack every day for the rest of my breathing life (although i know pre-e people are at a higher risk anyways) and that i don't have to take an aspirin a day when i am not pregnant.

He said what my MFM fellow said "go ahead, get pregnant, we'll start aspirin at 12 weeks and take it one step at a time."

So.
Glad that stressor is over.
One less thing to worry about. Even though i know more then anyone that there are still no guarantees, at least it's one less odd against us.
Not stoked that i was put through a scary false diagnosis. But today i'm feeling more grateful then anything.
sending some love back out to all of those who are reading this.

I put up Truman's christmas tree today. I felt him with me through out the day.
Jeff and I went swimming after the appointment and I thought about him as we swam our laps. I think he would have loved the water as much as everyone else in his family does. We are all a bunch of fish. i thought about my pregnancy swim days, twice a week, him and i got to swim together. I will always cherish that time in the pool with him and those memories.

I got home and there was a message from a friend.
Her daughter was born about 10 hours after Truman and I LOVE looking at pictures of her. She makes me feel connected to Truman for some reason. His little birthday buddy. She gives my imagination the room to watch and think about what Tru would be doing at this point in life.
My friend said she heard this song today and it reminded her of Truman. It touched my heart.

Positive.

I had about 2500 decisions to make about various things. every single day since we decided to plan our conception.
Everything seemed to fall into place one day at a time, just to crumble and reconfigure the next.
I made my mind up and even if i was going to change it, again, for me it's a big deal.
From day to day these decisions that I mull over, accept and come to change. Over and over. At least it was movement, even if it was in circles.

I went into the doctor today.
Was greeted by a rude receptionist, waited in the waiting room for 50 mins.
Then was rushed back with a nurse who raced through my check in.
They were making it too easy on me. I had already made another decision! To never come back to this crappy doctor's office again.
After waiting another 40 mins in the quiet and creepily dated exam room, he walked in.
You could tell it was the first time he had looked at my chart since he closed it last time I was there.
He fumbled through the test results and there it was...
a positive.
Not the results that i had expected. How haven't i learned yet to expect the unexpected?
Bummer.
Major bummer.
I had my mind all made up! I was planning on going home and getting to baby making business. and then I'd go back to the doctor who helped me with Truman, come hell or high water! We were going to make it work, it would be okay.
Not so fast, the world bent back and laughed.

I don't get it. I do what I can do to make things better....I honestly feel cursed... but i try anyways....
...... but can i fight genetics?

The positive test is for a confusing and complex disease called "Antiphospholipid Syndrome".
I have it.
The paper marked "IGG- POSITIVE- >30".

The crappy doctor shifted uncomfortably. I was reaching the out limits of his experience.
I could tell when I asked "So should i start LDA at 12 weeks or at conception?"
.... and he gave an apathetic shrug.
then went on to say in so many words "whatever you want... i mean one way, you risk clots/stroke/death... the other birth defects.... so whatever you want to do, good luck."

I left the office with his only piece of advice that may actually be helpful- take one baby aspirin a day, for the rest of your life so you don't have a stroke/heart attack/ brain aneurism/blot clot.
and a diagnosed auto-immune disease.

I am 29 years old and have to take an aspirin a day to ward off heart attacks like i'm some 70 year old chain smoker who eats only red meat? This can not be a good sign for my life expectancy. 

I cried the whole way home.

I don't even know what the hell to do.

I got home and have been reading non-stop since. Trying to figure it all out.
It not only says all the scary stuff that i have mentioned already but also reoccurring Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, still birth, infant loss. I almost threw up.

I am sentenced to a multiple loss life?
But blood thinners can help possibly. Heparin and Warafin.
Does that mean that if i would have known about this before Truman, that i could have tried blood thinners and he could maybe possibly be alive right now????

I'm sad. I'm scared. I don't want any more bad news.

I'm reaching out to the perinatologists at UCSF for more help and information on what this diagnosis means.
Back to the beginning of the loop. No idea, confused, scared and clutching on to hope of good news.
Please hope for simple and effective solutions.

pre-maturity snobs

Venting:

"My baby was born early and is living proof that miracles do exist."

do i need to write any more then that??
UGHHHHHHHHH.
even if you really feel that way privately-- who rubs the life of their child in the faces of those who died? non-thinkers, that's who.
That's right, God heard your prayers and deemed your child "worthy" of saving.... but not mine..... because all those people who prayed for my son didn't pray hard enough.
Apparently being close to a child's death doesn't lend people the same lessons of chaos, randomness and statistics like it doesn't for those on the other side of the dime.

Even when they say crap like this to parents who are struggling to keep it together in the NICU, maybe to try to build hope on some level- I heard it then too and it made me feel bad then too! It's not helpful at all. My first NICU nurse.... the first 5 mins of meeting Truman was  BLABBING in my ear about how she had a premmie and it lived.... I remember stopping her and telling her i needed some alone time with my son. Even when i thought that he was going to be okay, their success was not comforting at all.

In my eyes... all of them are "miracles"....whatever that even means.
They are ALL miraculous little fighters trying their best. they are ALL the strongest people i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. no matter what the outcome.
and i'm sick of having my nose rubbed in the fact that their baby lived....that SOOOO many babies born at Truman's age lived and survived, are alive and well and strong and smart and playing sports and off at a college and .... and Truman didn't.
Their award is having a living child-- congrats... just wish they'd show some thoughtfulness and respect for those of us who aren't as lucky.

The emotional roller coaster of planning to try to conceive has me worried that I am going to be an emotional basket case when i'm actually pregnant.

I have been SO antsy to to get pregnant. Excited for the most part. Making plans, getting ducks in a row, training my ass off.
Then tonight I laid in bed alone (Jeff's out) and just had some quiet alone time... time with Truman. I listened to music, i thought about him. I closed my eyes and pictured him looking at me with his little hand squeezing my finger. Memories that I hope to have clear in my mind for the rest of my life.

Then is hit me. holy shit.
It won't be just us and Truman anymore. There will be another baby.
and I got sad for second. I started mentally trying to grasp on to what is just the 3 of us. Just like a parent of a living child might. Sad to let go of my "only child". My time with Truman as my only child is cherished no matter what the future holds for our family.
He is my first born.
He paved the way.
I do hope for his siblings and their lives and their health.
I hope his siblings will love, adore him and miss him as much as we do.

Tragedy, anger and old resentment

My friend, Scott, I have known him as long as I can remember.
He was my boyfriend on and off in the 5th and 6th grade. We've lost touch over the years but he will always be a part of my past.

His fiancee and his 7 month old beautiful little girl were in an accident yesterday around 9 am.
A drunk driver hit them and it killed his baby girl.
The driver was already charged with a DWI and after the accident was put on bail and released.

News video

His daughter is dead...

I didn't sleep much last night after the news.
To be honest, it sent my own grief reeling. I just put myself in his shoes. It's close to home. Re-living the loud and deafening anguish of those first few weeks and months.
Makes me sick that Scott has to go through this. I was fucking pissed and no one in particular took my child's life. I can not imagine the anger that he must be feeling... and if it hasn't come yet, i'm sure it will. I am angry for them. and i am so far away from home, so far to do anything to really help besides be one of them many who continue to write to them. Lost in a sea of letters.

The dimensions of losing a child.
it's never ending, far reaching, louder and bigger then you can imagine unless you've lived through it yourself.
The loss seems to be contagious and seeps into every single groove and crack of your life. You lose more then just your child. As if that wasn't enough.

I could go on and on about how much i lost and continue to lose. but there are never enough words.

and you know, people say stupid shit..... this is in the public eye now.... i can not even imagine the volume of stupid shit that people are going to say to them..... makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I just wish that i was there to help them on some level.
what i really wish is that no one would ever have to experience the death of a child again. if only.

For me this has spurred a range of emotions, one being old resentment.
I have this old friend who i think is an asshole. Said person angers me with many of their actions for a multitude of reasons. and they just were flat out not there for me when Truman died.
But when ANYTHING else happens in the community, there that person is, saying SOMETHING, anything, publicly. and it is just a slap in the face, maybe even a spit in the face.

So of course this person is showing concern for this family.... but not mine when it was my time... and it angers me all over again. I am really angry right now and trying to direct it away from this meaningless topic and utter waste of time.
This person wasn't just a friend, they were part of my family. So i just can not even wrap my mind around how person can live with themselves. Seriously. or how they could be so self obsessed/ involved that the death of Truman, an innocent baby, wasn't enough to snap them out of it. To me the only thing that makes sense is that said person has completely lost themselves and their mind. To act with such disregard of the relationship.... of the grief... of the tragedy.
Said person was telling me about how busy they were, just wayyyy too overwhelmed with life to call when T died but you look at their facebook page and there are countless self portraits posing and showing off body parts. Anyone who has that much time on there hands... well it speaks for itself really.
and i put up with that person's self inflicted drama's for so long and when something happened to me that was so painful, they were distant- on purpose for no reason. It's beyond hurtful.
So anytime something happens like this, it brings that back up for me.
But nothing will ever fix it or make it easier for me so i'm not even sure how just ignore it. Now i just have to LIVE with this person constantly insulting me and what we went through. Truman deserved to have words, love and attention just like Baylee does now.

We all need support in the face of such HEART BREAK. I was just missing said person's kids before all of this happened and thinking about the good old times.... and then Baylee was taken way too soon and this horrible situation served as a reminder.... the trauma that I went through and was ignored.
Truman was ignored.
Fuck that.