sudden remorse

An old friend who use to be one of Jeff's best friends who was absent through out all of our grieving has reappeared. He didn't want to be excluded from our wedding which i totally planned on not inviting him until he told Jeff that he was going to "show up to the wedding whether he is invited or not, that there is no way he is missing it". I think part of him was actually shocked when he didn't get a wedding invite and everyone else did and it started to sink in to him that we had written him off. In my mind, what he didn't do is unforgivable and while i am nice to him, it will never be the same in my eyes. He disrespected my son, my fiance and my own friendship with him and that is not something that i'll just forget. So he has been around the past few weeks again, trying to come clean? or who knows what.

Conversation

friend:"I wish you and Jeff were having a wedding party, this was one of my last chances to stand up for someone."

thinking: ???? he would have never stood up on Jeff's side, he is delusional.
me: ".... yeah we aren't doing that. But maybe we will take a 'would have been in the wedding party' picture, which would be nice. Julie would have been my maid of honor."

friend: "What about Beth?"

me: "Beth and I aren't friends anymore. We don't talk. She's not even invited to the wedding."
{Beth and i were best friends since high school. I was there for all 3 of her pregnancies, births and raising of her children and was known as "Aunt Laura"/godmother to her middle child}

friend: (confused look) "Really? What happened?"

me: "I almost died in the hospital and she never called me once. Then Truman died and we never really talked much after that. She texted me a few times to remind me that she felt bad that she couldn't call me, ironically because her phone was in her hand. So yeah, the girls and her are out of my life."

friend: (his eyes started to well up with disbelief and tears, as he now is just starting to understand 0.5% of what we have been dealing with) "You loved those girls."

me: "Yeah. We have lost so much.... it's hard for people to really understand. I didn't just lose my son, which is horrible enough on it's own, i lost friends on top of it when we needed them the most. There is so much more that we lost too but-" (stopping myself before jumping into it all)

friend: "Jeff laid into me almost immediately the first time i saw him since and rightfully so. I am so sorry that i wasn't there for you guys, when i should have been. I know what amazing people you two are, and the love that you have for each other and i know that you will have children some day."

thinking: You Know? no one knows anything. Truman might be the only baby we ever have.
me: "We did have children. We had Truman."

friend: "I know, i'm sorry, that's not what i meant...."

me: "Well, it's just hard because, this is all after the fact. I appreciate that you are sorry. It's better late then never but at the same time Jeff had no one and that's not okay with me. Truman was a person just as much as J [his brother who died] was. Any child that we have will be Truman's sibling. We live with missing him every single day and you have no idea what we really went through because you weren't there. and you don't ask."

friend: "I know, I'm sorry."

thinking now: If you weren't there, then you really don't know much and if you don't know much then you don't know who we are any more as people. It makes it all so superficial. Can anyone truly be sorry after the fact when it comes to something like this? I'm not sure. Just because it's so easy to say. Actions speak louder then words. It's not like he didn't know exactly what he was doing.

Just interesting to see the first glimmers of remorse showing from someone who had gone missing.

I was hired for the job that started on mother's day.
Mother's Day itself went pretty well. I was busy and had my mask on and by the end of the day, it felt like any other day of missing Truman and my mom.
I was touched by friends thinking of me who wrote me lovely facebook messages and text messages and phone calls. I felt that Truman was remembered and loved.
As far as that horrible day goes, mine went way better then expected. The day itself was not what i ever wanted for myself, but it's what i have, and compared to all of the other day's of the year that i miss him and her... it felt like any other day.

The job has been just what i needed.
My first day i worked with a really nice woman, Sarah. She was hilarious. She asked me what i do, besides work, and I went through the list. Once I got to explaining how i am a licensed Veterinary Technician who really needed a break from the life and death of it all she said, "Oh yeah, people in the Vet field are like number 2 on the suicide watch list for professionals most likely to kill themselves." I burst out laughing and agreed, it's a heavy job without death being so close to home as it is with us (which i didn't bother explaining to her).

Today a nurse came in. She is in town for a while to teach other nurses. As i listened to her "it must be fate" story about the how's and why's that she landed here in town, I felt what i call "the familiar's".
Sometimes throughout my life i meet someone who I find their soul to feel familiar. Whether it's because of personality or similar experiences. I can just feel this sort of instant connection.
Her presence jogged my memory and i thought of Elspeth and all the other nurses (both good and bad) who helped me while i was in the hospital with Truman. Specifically the last nurse i talked to there, the one that told me that it was completely normal to feel panicked to be packing up my room and getting ready to leave without my baby. my mind flashed back to myself sitting on the edge of the bed, getting ready to take each scary and desperately sad step out of the hospital without my son- thrown into the whirling and buzzing city that never knew the difference- but i did.
I caught myself from continuing the thought. Her energy, her obvious compassion, made miss that horrible time in my life, just because then was closer to Truman then now is.

Many people told me not to tell my boss or co-workers about Truman. Because it's business vs. personal life and there is no reason they need to know. But in my heart, i know that if i am to succeed in an environment, i need people to know what has happened. I need to be able to be myself and he is a huge part of myself. I made the decision to tell my boss because we work closely together all day- and I'm glad that i did.
Today, i spotted a Father's Day card. It was simple, a big seahorse and a tiny seahorse holding tails. Perfect. Especially for us biology freaks (male seahorses carry their baby's). Inside simply said 'happy father's day'. there is nothing particularly happy about mother's or father's day any more, but the card was cute enough that it made me excited to give it to Jeff. I closed the card and said out loud, "I need to get this card for Jeff for Father's day." I caught a moment of surprise in my bosses body language, which disappeared quickly, I'm guessing as scanned her mind to recall if i had children and then she remembered what i had told her. and she easily responded, "Isn't that cute? I love that card."
Normal. That is what i needed. I can openly express myself without having to think before every single word comes out of my mouth. I can mention Truman casually and just say what comes naturally.
and no awkwardness.
Just reality.
Truman died.
Fuck.
It hurts my heart that i am still writing that and somehow the reality hasn't changed.
But even though people can't see that we have a son and we can't brag about his newest achievements to co-workers and customers- he is a part of our lives. I can't imagine having to go about my life pretending that that isn't the case.

I'm not sure if i ever wrote about Jeff being a builder before but he builds custom bookshelves, furniture and such. He was inspired to build a new urn for Truman this summer and now building custom urns is becoming part of his thing. I'll post pictures of Truman's handmade-by-Daddy urn once it's done. It just goes to show how death seems to become a family member once your child dies.

Truman's Aunt Naomi has her big haircut tomorrow. She is buzzing it for the chemo-therapy which starts soon here.

There is a glimmer of hope!
I got a call for a job today.
It's so funny to me because out of all the day's in the year, she asked me to come in for a test run on Sunday, Mother's Day, 12-5pm.
Just goes to show how not in alignment i am with this place, but whatever, i'm stoked just for even a chance of a new start here.
I'm just hoping that i can keep it together, which i am pretty sure that i can. I'm sure the store will be filled with mother's and daughter and babies and the whole nine yards.
I just have to keep my mask on and smile and seem interested. Should be exhausting yet do-able.

Mother's day has always been hard for me.
Being mother-less from an early age has always sucked and i have always tried my hardest to not let it get to me.
But it has and although i am less irritated by the emotions of being motherless now that i am older there are still times in my life when it does sneak up and sting just as hard as it use to.
I never thought that mother's day would ever be more depressing for me then how it was.

Last mother's day i was pregnant and SO happy.
The pre-eclampsia had not kicked in yet.
Jeff doesn't really do holidays but i nagged him to spend the day with me lounging in the back yard, just the five of us (Jeff, Tru, Me, Pilot and Rufus-our dogs). Followed by dinner. Jeff took some pregnancy shots of me.
At the time I had no idea that it was going to be the most peaceful Mother's day that i would probably ever experience in my entire life.
It was a mellow, sleepy, happy day.

The only Mother's Day that i got to spend with Truman alive.

The only Mother's Day that i thought about everything that i did have instead of what i don't.

What i find interesting when i look back at these photos is how peaceful i look. I guess it could look like i am sad too, but i wasn't. I was just so complete.

Vent

I have been debating on whether or not to post this post because essentially it's just a total bitch fest. But it needs to come out.

Everyone who i love and feel very deeply connected to is thousands of miles away. It makes grieving on this level very hard.

the redwoods forests.
the unruly Pacific Ocean.
The abundance of organic produce.
The beyond amazing yoga teachers.
... there are good things about this area.
i try to stay focused on them most of time.
especially because i am already a battling so much.
but it's time for me to come clean.

I F'ing HATE living here in Humboldt county.

There it is.
For those who are in my life, they have heard it more times then i'd like to admit.
But when i say that- i try, i realllllllly try to like it here.
Grieving on top of the already bad taste in my mouth for this place though makes it even harder to see the silver linings. The good in no way make the bad more bearable.

I could list all the reasons I don't like it here but i won't find that to be therapeutic.
Bottom line is, it's the people here.
There are not enough words to articulate how much i do not fit in here with these people which is not a problem that i have ever experienced before in my life.
I have put in so much effort and time into trying to love it here and it always falls flat.

Even more so since Truman died.
No joke, it is literally like there was a memo sent out and i'm the town outcast.
Because this is a small area, it is very cliquey.
There isn't a huge abundance of job listing but what have gone out I am perfectly capable of doing.
I have been searching for a job for 5 months now. I have sent out so many resumes and followed up and people just don't even respond to you.
I am on my game. I am reliable. I stand by my word. I am never late. I take some things seriously.
I feel like i am constantly living in an alternate universe here because people don't care about those qualities here.

I have tried to let go of it all.
Tried to be more relaxed.
That didn't work either.
I have tried everything.
So now I am just angry.

I am grieving. I have lost old friends, the ones who I thought i never would.
And the newer friends too. There are friends that I am still forced to see occasionally around town that make me feel like crap because they don't care about me or Truman and they don't understand.

These friends mean something to Jeff, so i try my best to put on a face for him and fake a social life.
But these "friends" tend to be the flakey -absent minded types, the ones who may have done a little too many recreational drugs in their hay days and now appear to be perpetually half in the clouds. I love them for who they are but you can not trust them, their word means nothing. Literally, the type that call you at 5:30 and tell you to meet up with them at their place to eat dinner in an hour and then when you show up at 6:30, no one is home, no one called to tell you that they decided to go out to dinner instead (true story).
They just are not capable people. They are not capable of being good friends, which i don't blame them for but it adds to the isolation.

Anyways,
This past winter when Jeff and I went on that long road trip to Florida and back, Jeff asked if one of his best friends could stay at out house to "house sit for us". I was very much against it, voiced my concerns but somehow Jeff talked me into saying okay. I did it because Jeff's friend needed a place to stay, I wanted to help him and his girlfriend out.
I was having so much anxiety about leaving CA since T had died and our very small and cozy place has become VERY sacred to me.  Especially with leaving Truman's ashes out at home, all alone while we were away. I was terrified that the house guests would break or ruin something of his that we wouldn't be able to get back.  I am already an extremely private person. If it was up to me I would never have people come over to my house unless it was family. I feel that strongly inside but i still invite friends over... I realize being so private that maybe it's not a healthy thing. But I tend to feel safer when i have a sacred place that is just my own.
This friend of ours, his aunt and uncle live here in town. His Aunt is one of my closest friends here in Hum.
Yesterday (5 months after this trip) I was at the Co-op after yoga class and i ran into Aunt. Aunt had another niece with her that i had never met yet. Aunt informed me right away that this niece had stayed at my place over winter break...... i thought she was kidding. It caught me completely off guard. But she brought it up so nonchalantly, like "Oh yeah, niece, that place you stayed at this winter, that is her place!! Nice huh??"
She wasn't kidding.
I felt the anger rise up in me and i did nothing.
I listened politely.
Once i got into the car i started thinking about how completely F'ed up that is!!!!!!!!!!!
It is just so beyond disrespectful and invasive.
Aunt knows how i feel about my personal space because she is the same exact way. She joked that, "she just kept shipping All the kids over to my place."
 I don't even want to know what "All the kids" means.
While this may not upset someone else, I am beside myself on this one. To think of a stranger sleeping in my bed, looking at my pictures of Truman, touching his stuff, touching my stuff.
I'm sure niece is a very nice person but HELL NO.
It's as simple as calling us and giving us a heads up or asking. What a crazy idea, right?
If the situations were reversed and this happened to Aunt, Aunt would FLIP.
I feel so disrespected by Aunt and said friend that they have lost my respect. I wish i could say that i am more forgiving then that but i'm not.
I protect myself just as fiercely as i would protect Truman.

and this is the reoccurring problem here in Hum.
people are thoughtless. They think everything is always not a big deal.
they don't think about how their actions effect other people.
so i end up weeding these people out of my life because they don't have respect for me and they aren't the kind of friend that i look for and it leaves me so isolated.
Grieving and isolated. With no job, no way to make a fresh start, and still finding out every day how little people give a shit
On top of the grieving, this is also suppose to be a time in my life where i am surrounded by close friends and family... celebrating my engagement. and then my wedding.
This is the most un-celebratory time of my life.
Not that i expected it to be different because Truman is always missing.
But again, it's another loss, the loss of what i always wanted for myself. I would be having a completely different experience if i wasn't here in Humboldt.
maybe that counsellor was right.... maybe i do have resentment for being here. I just don't understand how my life turned into such a shit show. and trying to constantly see the positive is becoming so incredibly exhausting.

Health insurance update

I was accepted for PCIP (Pre-existing Condition Insurance Plan) of California under the health care reform that Obama set up for people like me!!
I  feel like so much weight has lifted off of me. I'm all smiles today.
The plan covers me until December 2013 and hopefully after that the rest of our health care will be really reformed and i won't need to have a special insurance to get coverage.
I am so completely pumped about paying a reasonable amount of money for healthcare!!!!!!!!
If Barack was here right now with me we'd be doing this, lol!:

Some things have happened lately that have reminded me how Truman has made me much more fear-less then ever before (in some cases).

The dogs we barking tonight. Jeff was passed out.
I went downstairs, opened up the barn doors, stepped outside and listened.
Alone, ears perked, senses going off.
The old me would NEVER do this.
The darkness alone would have kept me inside.

It's Humboldt and the fog is thick and rolls in almost every single night making it feel like its perpetually Halloween night.

I heard a noise. a clank. coming from the shed.
I stood there and felt the fear rise up in me. but it was met with acceptance and dissolved as soon as it bubbled up.
What could that be?
a creepy man?
an intruder?
a raccoon?
a mouse?
a ghost?
Man, i hope it's a ghost... maybe it's a ghost that has seen Truman.
maybe it's Truman.
Why would Truman be in the shed?

The dogs barked again.
I stood there letting the unknown come at me. What ever it is, it's there. That is for sure. It could be as innocent as a field mouse or as dangerous as a serial killer.
I after the dogs quieted and the odd noises stopped, i walked back inside, locked the door and headed up to bed with a calmness in my heart.

That is courage.
My son gave me that.
I live everyday worried that the storm isn't over, that the unknown will creep up and rip away what is mine over and over and over again. But i have the courage to stare it in the face. and i will when it's my time to try for a rainbow.

and all you BLM's who are expecting your rainbow babies remind me of that too.
Yes, you may be terrified and rightfully so but you did it or you are doing it, staring that darkness in the face and waiting, imaging, listening and hoping for the best.
It's inspiring.

Team Naomi

Just a little update.
(about Naomi, not about baby-loss)
She has stage 2.... which is a huge relief to us (even though this is another living nightmare)
So Naomi started a blog.
Believe me when i tell you that this girl is hilarious even in her darkest moments.
Just thought i would share in case any of my loving and insightful BLM and BLD's would want to follow her journey.
http://teamyencich.blogspot.com/

Thinking of all of you guys and especially the BLM's that are anticipating their rainbow babies this and next week. All my love.

Empathy Missing and Health Insurance

When it comes to seeing animals, babies or other innocents in pain or suffering i have more empathy then normal. So much so that i can not handle it. Hence me not being able to function in my normal profession as a Veterinary Nurse, now-a-days. Emotionally, I would be a wreck.

But i have noticed that when it comes to other women... mother's (who haven't lost children).... not so much.

it's almost like a knee jerk reaction. and it's something that i hate about myself.

My friend C is a massage therapist and she has been working on breaking up my scar tissue from my c-section. (i guess it's suppose to help with uterine health) When she works on me she says that people usually have emotional responses to her work... I haven't had any real release from it, yet.

She was telling me about her other clients who are having work done... several women traumatized from their c-sections.... one woman traumatized from her natural child birth bawling during sessions... and while i am writing this i am thinking to myself "yeah, it's hard and i can imagine it being hard for other people in different circumstances."
But my knee-jerk reaction when she is saying this stuff to me, in the moment, (internal dialogue only) is "Boo-hoo, Give me a f'ing break."
and I feel myself internally roll my eyes and get a little put off at other women feeling so sorry for themselves. With their alive children.

I wonder if this is how i will be for the rest of my life. I hope not because logically I know that I shouldn't assume anything about someone else's life.
Somewhere in between a cold hearted bitch and a weeping softy would be ideal. But nowadays when it comes to other people's pain, i seem to be either one or the other.

********

I haven't blogged about this topic because i didn't want to stir any political pot.
But it's my reality. and it effects my future as a mother.
Since Truman has died I applied for health insurance and was denied due to my pre-eclampsia.
Which obviously sent me into a panic over if we could even afford to ever try to have another child. I was depressed. I felt hopeless. I was angry.
I thought having to wait to try again because of my classical incision (have to wait for 12-18 months) was hard enough and then i was hit with this... i was not in a good place.
No one would take me and my only other option would be to get crappy health insurance through Jeff's school at about 1,800 a month.... not including any maternity coverage. It was looking bleak.
Luckily, Obama's preexisting Condition Insurance Plan allows me to have that shred of hope back... I sent in the application yesterday. hopefully no matter what happens politically that they keep this plan because people like me need it. Although from what i understand it is being reviewed by the Supreme Court and they might throw the whole thing out. Also makes me nervous for the up coming presidential election... (please please please don't take this health care away from me). I never thought that our president would actively be helping me have my second child, but he is. His work directly and dramatically is effecting my life.
Anyways, along the way I have talked to people who are against Health Care Reform.
Those who are literally telling me to my face that they don't care what my situation is (past/present/future), or anyone else's situation is. They don't like it and it's "never going to work.".................
Empathy.
Where the is their empathy?
Where is recognizing that something needs to change to help the sick people in this country? and tweaking the plan might be an okay idea instead of just throwing the whole idea out?
They look at a picture of Truman and hear our story and it means nothing to them because they haven't lived through it. Because they aren't connected to it in some way. They don't care that basically because i had really bad luck by getting pre-eclampsia that now i have to pay for it for the rest of my life.
You better not get sick in this country because it will haunt you for the rest of your life. Just because you get better doesn't mean that it goes away.
Now that Naomi is fighting lymphoma, she is another one in my immediate circle that this directly effects.
She has to continue to work a 40 hour work week while going through aggressive chemo and radiation treatments in order to keep her health insurance and have money to pay rent and eat. She can't just stop everything and go get the best possible care at a Cancer hospital... she's not rich enough for that.
And cancer is one hell of a preexisting condition.
But no one cares unless it's their family... and it's upsetting to me.

Can you imagine if our fire department and our police stations worked like our health care system works??
"My house is on fire but i don't have enough money to call a fire fighter." The whole neighborhood would be on fire.

Sorry, this turned into a rant.
But if you are still reading, you get the point. Empathy is missing lately.

*************

I never look through Jeff's phone.... like ever.
When i text or call him this picture of me pops up... a picture of me before Truman. Florida Keys me, to be precise.
I saw it today and I was blown away at how much physically and emotionally i have changed from that person.
Anyways, it made me flip through his pictures.
I found another photo that i have never seen of Truman and I got SO excited.
There were times when Jeff would go down to the NICU to spend time with him alone. This must be from one of those times.

Even though all of his pictures are pretty much the same, it still felt like present.
My precious little sweet T. <3
I love you Truman.

Phantom kicks

I still have my phantom kicks.... many today. 8 months post partum. Does anyone else still have them?
I never had these before Truman.
As strange of a phenomena it is, they make me kind of happy. it makes me think of all those precious kicks that i got out of my boy. I loved nothing more then my time with him.
Missing him always.

Another devastating blow

Another bad day in the history of the Clerc family. What a shit year this has been.
Today Jeff's sister, Naomi, was diagnosed with Diffused B Cell Lymphoma. She is 29 years old.
We found out because they looked into a tumor that had developed in the bone of her leg that had been giving her pain.
I wasn't shocked because what we were hearing from the doctors were the same basic "positive" smooth over statements that they tell people. (just like they did with us and Truman)
I know that they don't want you to worry until there is scientific proof that you should worry but hell.... sometimes i feel like if you aren't flat lining they have a smile on their face telling you everything is going to be fine.
but they don't know that.
I don't think they realize that maybe some people find comfort in reality (me).... the reality that anything can happen to any of us at any time.
sugar coating the possibilities only delays the processing.
and for me it heightens the anger. heightens the absolute shock.
The stupid doctor told them that he still didn't think it was cancer when he went in for the biopsy.
It's like well thank you for your very bad guess there buddy...
when the entire time i was thinking, i don't think that i have ever heard of a tumor in a bone that is not something to be concerned about.

I think we are all going through our own way of grieving this and dealing with this....

it is a loss.... the loss of health is still a loss.

No one wants to face something like this. Ever.

So now we are here, with this news and we are scared for what lays a head.
and worried.
and very sad.
and very far away from her physically which is hard on Jeff and I. (she is in Tennessee)

why does this crap always happen to the least deserving of people?
and it doesn't matter.
None of it matters.
you can be the happiest, most positive, giving and loving person in the world and something like this can happen to you.
Where is the justice in that?
There most definitely is none.
this is not fair.

Naomi and i have been very close since were 15 years old. I am looking forward to having her officially being my sister in September even though she has been a sister in my heart for a very long time.

2007?

us when we were 16?... don't mind the collage paint

2010

Jan 2012