Vent

I have been debating on whether or not to post this post because essentially it's just a total bitch fest. But it needs to come out.

Everyone who i love and feel very deeply connected to is thousands of miles away. It makes grieving on this level very hard.

the redwoods forests.
the unruly Pacific Ocean.
The abundance of organic produce.
The beyond amazing yoga teachers.
... there are good things about this area.
i try to stay focused on them most of time.
especially because i am already a battling so much.
but it's time for me to come clean.

I F'ing HATE living here in Humboldt county.

There it is.
For those who are in my life, they have heard it more times then i'd like to admit.
But when i say that- i try, i realllllllly try to like it here.
Grieving on top of the already bad taste in my mouth for this place though makes it even harder to see the silver linings. The good in no way make the bad more bearable.

I could list all the reasons I don't like it here but i won't find that to be therapeutic.
Bottom line is, it's the people here.
There are not enough words to articulate how much i do not fit in here with these people which is not a problem that i have ever experienced before in my life.
I have put in so much effort and time into trying to love it here and it always falls flat.

Even more so since Truman died.
No joke, it is literally like there was a memo sent out and i'm the town outcast.
Because this is a small area, it is very cliquey.
There isn't a huge abundance of job listing but what have gone out I am perfectly capable of doing.
I have been searching for a job for 5 months now. I have sent out so many resumes and followed up and people just don't even respond to you.
I am on my game. I am reliable. I stand by my word. I am never late. I take some things seriously.
I feel like i am constantly living in an alternate universe here because people don't care about those qualities here.

I have tried to let go of it all.
Tried to be more relaxed.
That didn't work either.
I have tried everything.
So now I am just angry.

I am grieving. I have lost old friends, the ones who I thought i never would.
And the newer friends too. There are friends that I am still forced to see occasionally around town that make me feel like crap because they don't care about me or Truman and they don't understand.

These friends mean something to Jeff, so i try my best to put on a face for him and fake a social life.
But these "friends" tend to be the flakey -absent minded types, the ones who may have done a little too many recreational drugs in their hay days and now appear to be perpetually half in the clouds. I love them for who they are but you can not trust them, their word means nothing. Literally, the type that call you at 5:30 and tell you to meet up with them at their place to eat dinner in an hour and then when you show up at 6:30, no one is home, no one called to tell you that they decided to go out to dinner instead (true story).
They just are not capable people. They are not capable of being good friends, which i don't blame them for but it adds to the isolation.

Anyways,
This past winter when Jeff and I went on that long road trip to Florida and back, Jeff asked if one of his best friends could stay at out house to "house sit for us". I was very much against it, voiced my concerns but somehow Jeff talked me into saying okay. I did it because Jeff's friend needed a place to stay, I wanted to help him and his girlfriend out.
I was having so much anxiety about leaving CA since T had died and our very small and cozy place has become VERY sacred to me.  Especially with leaving Truman's ashes out at home, all alone while we were away. I was terrified that the house guests would break or ruin something of his that we wouldn't be able to get back.  I am already an extremely private person. If it was up to me I would never have people come over to my house unless it was family. I feel that strongly inside but i still invite friends over... I realize being so private that maybe it's not a healthy thing. But I tend to feel safer when i have a sacred place that is just my own.
This friend of ours, his aunt and uncle live here in town. His Aunt is one of my closest friends here in Hum.
Yesterday (5 months after this trip) I was at the Co-op after yoga class and i ran into Aunt. Aunt had another niece with her that i had never met yet. Aunt informed me right away that this niece had stayed at my place over winter break...... i thought she was kidding. It caught me completely off guard. But she brought it up so nonchalantly, like "Oh yeah, niece, that place you stayed at this winter, that is her place!! Nice huh??"
She wasn't kidding.
I felt the anger rise up in me and i did nothing.
I listened politely.
Once i got into the car i started thinking about how completely F'ed up that is!!!!!!!!!!!
It is just so beyond disrespectful and invasive.
Aunt knows how i feel about my personal space because she is the same exact way. She joked that, "she just kept shipping All the kids over to my place."
 I don't even want to know what "All the kids" means.
While this may not upset someone else, I am beside myself on this one. To think of a stranger sleeping in my bed, looking at my pictures of Truman, touching his stuff, touching my stuff.
I'm sure niece is a very nice person but HELL NO.
It's as simple as calling us and giving us a heads up or asking. What a crazy idea, right?
If the situations were reversed and this happened to Aunt, Aunt would FLIP.
I feel so disrespected by Aunt and said friend that they have lost my respect. I wish i could say that i am more forgiving then that but i'm not.
I protect myself just as fiercely as i would protect Truman.

and this is the reoccurring problem here in Hum.
people are thoughtless. They think everything is always not a big deal.
they don't think about how their actions effect other people.
so i end up weeding these people out of my life because they don't have respect for me and they aren't the kind of friend that i look for and it leaves me so isolated.
Grieving and isolated. With no job, no way to make a fresh start, and still finding out every day how little people give a shit
On top of the grieving, this is also suppose to be a time in my life where i am surrounded by close friends and family... celebrating my engagement. and then my wedding.
This is the most un-celebratory time of my life.
Not that i expected it to be different because Truman is always missing.
But again, it's another loss, the loss of what i always wanted for myself. I would be having a completely different experience if i wasn't here in Humboldt.
maybe that counsellor was right.... maybe i do have resentment for being here. I just don't understand how my life turned into such a shit show. and trying to constantly see the positive is becoming so incredibly exhausting.