Just below the surface

28 weeks.
Something is going on with me that is just out of reach.

On Sunday the lady who performed Truman's memorial service came into my work.
This lady is a bonafide Humboldt weirdo so I wasn't horribly offended when she clearly forgot who I was and started asking questions about if this was my first child or not.
I said no, this is my second son. It still didn't trigger her memory.
She talked about her life, her family member who is pregnant and her dogs and then left.
I found myself thinking about the memorial and how beautiful it was and how much it really helped me process everything that I had happened.

I totally forgot about the interaction.

The next morning I woke up and tears just wouldn't stop coming.
It wasn't that I was sobbing or crying really.... It was just a constant flow of tears streaming down my face.
It's so hard to explain.
This went on for hours and I truly couldn't figure out what brought this on until I mentioned to Jeff that I had run into weird memorial lady the day before. It then hit me that she must have been some sort of trigger.
The timing itself is enough to make anyone weep really. But that must have been it because as soon as i talked to him about it, brought the thought to the surface of my mind, I stopped crying.

Then last night I cried in my sleep.
Down right sobbed for Truman.
Talked about how much I miss him and long for him to 3 women who I have no idea who they are.
I woke up with a stuffy nose and a wet pillow.

This is the first time that I can remember crying in my sleep since the very beginning. Right after Truman died Jeff said I would sob loudly and call for him.

So I think even though I know that this is a hard time for us I still feel a level of detachment from heavy grief. I feel like I'm calm waters on the surface but just below the surface there is a lot going on.