Tru Love.

I'm having a really hard day, emotionally.
I fell sorry for myself which then annoys myself because i know in certain aspects of my life i am VERY lucky.
I was lucky enough to be put for adoption and get my Dad as my Dad.
I am lucky enough to have amazing friends.
I am lucky enough to have a loving and supportive husband who is really truly good for every inch of my soul.

but this baby shit is depressing.

I just feel the weight of it all today.
The looming blood test in 2 weeks.
2 weeks is such a long time.
the fear of the baby not having a heartbeat by the next ultrasound.
and i just feel like i spent every single day since Truman died- fighting.... fighting to survive, fighting to lose weight and get stronger.... fighting for the election... fighting to find a compitent doctor....just constantly fighting for something.
and i am tired.
Part of me goes to a really dark place of "if this doesn't work out, i'm not sure i'll survive it." and i know it's a lie.
but it's just how i feel right now.
i have survived a lot and i will get through but it's more or less the feeling of.... i don't want my life to just continue to suck majorly in a lot of ways for the rest of my life.
and i just don't know how i'm going to make that happen if this baby doesn't live....
i just find it to be really depressing because all i ever wanted was a big family.
of my own, my own flesh and blood, that i built.

i just feel like a failure.
and i'm mad that the world just keeps marching on. That time does not stop no matter what.
Today at work i watched the people around me buzzing around.
and that's when it really got to me.
They aren't at home with their kids.
They are at work, staying late so that they can get stuff done.
which i get, we live i this kind of world here in America.
but to me, a baby loss parent.... it's like go the fuck home and be with your kids. PLEASE. because if they were to die you would never forgive yourself for thinking this bullshit is that important.
this is just stuff... shit made in china and tedious paper work.... that WILL get done.
It will.
It always does.
If you aren't working in a hospital and you aren't literally saving lives then your job is only as important as you make it.
and so many people make theirs SO overly important.

Here is am stopping at every movement this baby makes and thanking it for being there. Willing my body to let it live a full life. If Truman was alive, everything would be different.