My heart jumped out of my chest, absolute shock.
Then absolute joy.
I laughed nervously as i handed the stick for Jeff to see. He went silent for like an hour, so shocked that he couldn't find his words. lol
Truman was coming and a year ago today was his big announcement to us that he was on his way.
This day a year ago changed our life forever.
I still remember the beaming joy radiating out of Jeff's face as he told his best friend Owens that he was going to be a Daddy. They drank Mother Ship beer to celebrate, while i drank the fruit and veggie juice that Jeff at prepared for us.
We went to the doctor the next day for a confirmation. It was all true.
Afterwards we went to a Victorian town near us and bought a blue corduroy elephant at little boutique for our son. (good guess on the gender on our part at that time)
I told the elderly lady at the cash register that we just found out about our baby and this was it's first present... something to remember the day that we found out that we are parents.
We happily walked down the street holding hands.
The shock was fresh. The joy was fresh. and as happy as we were, we were scared shitless (rightfully so in retrospect).
The blue elephant came to the hospital in SF with the bag that Jeff had packed for me.
We were all still so hopeful for the best.
Even this stuffed animal was waiting for Truman to come home. For Truman to love him and wear him out.
Now it sits alone, head tilted, on the bookshelf.
The only thing that comforts me today is looking back at the pictures of myself during this time. There is a fullness- a wholeness- a calmness- a completion- that you can see in my eyes. I was finally whole.... and it only lasted those months that he was with us and okay.
I finally had the family that i always yearned for. My life was just about to start and i knew it. I loved deeper and more then ever before and it felt amazing.
Such a potent and happy time for us and our little family.
I love you, Truman.
Thinking of you and your levely son always
ReplyDeletePoor lonely blue elephant, just sitting there, waiting. This is beautiful imagery Laura, such a nice and heartbreaking way to think about missing Truman and coming home empty handed.
ReplyDeleteI look at pictures too sometimes, from the Before Margot time of my life. It's depressing, of course, to think how how blissful we were. But I'm getting more and more comfortable with this new life, living with this happy and sad tension, living without one of my daughters. It seems okay right now, even if our little version of the blue elephant is tucked away for another child.
Love and peace to you guys Laura. You're a wonderful mother to young Truman.
He is loved mightily, your Truman.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could look at photos of myself pregnant with Joseph, but it's just too heartbreaking. Maybe one day...
This is a beautiful story of Truman's discovery and the joy you felt, and buying him his first little toy. I'm missing him here where I am with you over there. xxx
Oh, the blue elephant... So, so much there.
ReplyDeleteYou are brave to be able to look at the before pictures. I can't bear them - of me. I don't like that girl. She was concerned with things that don't matter and unaware of a great many things that do and largely insulated from the depths.
Recently read Agnes Humbert's book, Resistance. At the end she described people celebrating the Nazi defeat. "But slave workers that we were until so recently, we find all this happiness oppressive."
Only for me, it is the happiness from before that I find oppressive. Now is the War.
I love your words.
Cathy in Missouri
I'm glad that you had those wonderful moments with Truman - that excitement, the anticipation, the nerves... I know the memories have acquired such a poignant tone now, and I'm sure the little blue elephant looks so sad to you. We can never go back to those days, but oh how I wish we could sometimes.
ReplyDeleteOh, those pictures! We had professional maternity photos taken when I was pregnant with Elizabeth. I was all glowy and expecting and innocent and my husband was, too. It took me months, but we have one of them on our mantle, and I can finally look at it with nostalgic happiness (most of the time).
ReplyDeleteLove to Truman on this anniversary.
We had maternity pictures taken the night before Calla died. When we were in the hospital I remember thinking, 'but what about those pictures?' and, if only I could turn the clock back a few hours and be the woman in the pictures again.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you, Laura. That sweet little elephant . . . sweet little Truman. My heart just aches for your guys.
xo
I'm so, so sorry. Reading about the elephant, sitting there waiting for Truman to come home, brings tears to my eyes. I find myself doing that, too--waiting for Molly to come back to me--and then it hits me hard all over again that she is gone forever. I also felt that "my life was just about to start" with Molly, my whole being revolved around her, and now I don't know what to do with myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure this was a tough day for you and your family, remembering the happiness of seeing those two lines. That particular anniversary for us is Father's Day, which *should* be a day of celebration, but instead will be another painful day.
It's so desperately unfair. We should having our babies.
Love and hugs to you, Laura. xo
I still have a picture of the pee stick from when I found out I was pregnant with Nathaniel. I look at it from time to time.
ReplyDeleteA year. A year of pregnancy and loss. I'm so sorry. I can see that elephant in my mind's eye, with his head tilted.
sending love