Inspirational Garbage

Fellow BLM, Nikki, inspired me to write this blog.
she said it perfectly when she said, 
"People who say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger probably have not held their son as he died. "


Yes. Yes. Yes.
Inspirational garbage. It's those quotes, sayings, beliefs and thoughts that may comfort the general public, but not us child loss parents.


Not everything happens for a reason. 
No one knows why anything happens to certain people and not to other's.


There are SO many quotes out there, especially on Pinterest. When i read them, i cringe.


I have been going to yoga lately, about 3 times a week. I go to an Anusara class and for those of you who don't know, it's more of a philosophical, mind and body yoga class. In other words, you aren't just going through the physical poses, you are linking them with thought and intention. 


I have seen two side os yoga.... the side where Ego is enlarged (unintentionally) and you think you are some how enlightened more so then others while still obsessed with how hot you look doing yoga OR it genuinely helps you feel stronger and work through some issues that you may be experiencing. My teacher is talented. Do i think that she is wiser then i am? Or has more knowledge on life because of her teachings? absolutely not. Can I learn from almost everyone in my life? absolutely.

Before the class, I was sitting in the lobby focusing all of my energy on having a productive class. 

There were probably 10 of us there waiting. 

A woman came into the room, holding her son, looked directly at me, said "we are going to sit right here next to her," and sat down right next to me and started breast feeding her about 9 month old boy.

I didn't even look at her, but i knew from the sounds that that is what she was doing.

3 months ago, this would have jarred me to the core.... I would have been sick with grief and sadness and felt that the cruel universe was once again rubbing my face in what i no longer have. I might have even said something to her like, "my little boy just died, can you please give me some space."

But i didn't. 

I didn't react.

I acknowledged in my mind what was happening and I just got up and walked into the yoga studio and then it was out of my mind until now.

The weird thing is, she wasn't even in our class, so who knows why she was there, breast feeding her child.... a universal test, that i passed. My grief is not as harsh as it was and there was strength present.

I started class with a clear mind. Ready to focus on my health and wellbeing.


The class was based on "Your story". My teacher had gone to a weekend workshop on this and was excited to share what she had learned.
Your story is held in your pelvic girdle (Hips and Sacrum).
I instantly thought of Truman, happy as can be in my Pelvic girdle. and then my mind went to my Sacrum injury. My sacrum injury throws off my balance from time to time. Here i am with a broken heart, a broken sacrum and a huge story to tell.


i do think that there are wonderful lessons in yoga. They have helped me a lot. But this lesson was not working for me and i found it to be inspirational garbage.


I got her point. "We are bigger and have more potential then what happens to us." 
"You are not your story."


Really?


Everyone knows that influences affect us and who we are as individuals. Society, your parents, your friends, movies, tv, the yoga class, etc..... we are creatures that are affected greatly by our surroundings and how we deal with what happens to us.


You could see me struggling through the class much more then everyone else. My balance was off, i was not as focused. My Story was too big "to release to the universe."
It's because everything that she said I felt like she didn't know the full lesson to teach in the first place.
There was no room for a baby loss mom in that class. 


Having Truman and losing Truman is so deeply ingrained into everything that i am and everything that i do, including yoga. and i am proud of that. He makes me push myself to be stronger and to be better.
Pre-eclampsia, is a disease, that is within me. It may strike again. It may not. It easily could have killed me. But it didn't. It may in the future. That is something that yoga can not think away. It is real, it is there and it is bigger then me. It killed my son. I will do everything with in my power to keep it away but it definitely does effect my potential as a human being. I may not be able to mother biological living children because of it.


But i do not think that at this moment, in the here and now, that i am more then what has happened to me. My story is not holding me back but my story is all that I have, It's all any of us have. When we die, our story ends and we have no idea what happens after that.
To ask me to let go of my story while continuing to bring up my story ...... it's just not going to work to bring me to a meditative and healing and centered place.
When she would say "Let go of your story. let go of what has happened to you."
I hear "let go of Truman" let go of all that that includes.
and that will never be possible and i wouldn't want it to be.
Om.