6 months

Today is 6 months from the day i gave birth to Truman.
6 months old.
I picture him in my mind, what he would look like. What we would be doing, what he would be doing.
6 month olds are so fun.
I haven't really been able to grieve properly lately.... i've been too busy. I can feel it building up now. My heart is really hurting.

I went to San Francisco for the first time since i left the day after Truman died.
Right after Truman died i felt like everything was fake... like all of San Fran was a movie set. and everything seemed haunted. Which i am sure was probably some sort of weird physiological coping thing due to the crazy amounts of trauma and stress. When i think back to that day, those days, i can not believe that i survived it.
That alone could make me break down into tears.
But being in that city again was good for me. I definitely feel him in the air there. I spend a lot of time outside and i never feel like he is around me up here on the north coast. But my trip to San Fran left me feeling like i visited with him and I liked it.

In the past 6 months so much has changed. and we have made our way through so much of the grief.
after all, we are human, we can not survive this life if we continued to feel the pain and anguish as those first few days/weeks/months after he died for the rest of our lives.
It's normal to move on but i can totally see how and why parents who lose their children can not.
Even with my moving on with my life, he is a part of it all and will continue to be. But the grief keeps him close. and there have been many times when i have felt the grief lightening and have fought it, fought to keep it, or felt guilty for smiling. Even grieving the loss of my heavy and intense grief is lifting.
Even with that, I long for him every second of every day. I never wanted him to be a cherished memory. I always wanted him to be my son.

I was just thinking about if Jeff and I have any other living children in the future.... how much their lives will be influenced by Truman being their older brother.
It's amazing.

I saw two little girls running down the side walk today and i thought: where are their parents? Don't they know that anything could happen? those girls are someone's daughters.... how brave or absent minded are their parents to just let them free, to do whatever and take their chances.

......

I laid here tonight and spent some time with Truman. Grieving him. Remembering every little thing about him that i can. I am still so proud of him. He tried so hard. He got robbed of so many things (and so did we) the moment that he died.

These are some pictures that i never shared. His eyes are swollen very badly but i love his little nose in this picture and how you can see so clearly that he has Jeff's upper lip and my chin.

Right after he came out... a few hours old.

I am finding that with time that my words are getting lost. That is why i haven't been blogging as much anymore. I just don't know what to say about all of this. It almost becomes more complex as time goes on and i just don't have the vocabulary for it.
and as time passes it's harder for those outside of the baby loss community to understand.

I want to continue to talk about Truman and be openly proud of him but at some point you start to wonder how you are being perceived by others--- and it shuts you up.

When listening to people talk, I have thought in my head so many times "if only you really knew. you have no idea because your child isn't dead." It seems to happen at least once a week. These are the thoughts that only the baby loss community will understand.

I am a mother, to a boy named Truman Montgomery Clerc. He is the bravest person who i ever met.
I hope that he is at peace. I hope with every inch of me that i can see him again.
If he were here today i would be snuggling him in bed, singing to him, listening to him giggle and kissing his sweet little cheeks.
Maybe in my dreams tonight......
<3