My soapbox this evening on life, baby loss, grief, religion, the world, politics, other people--- just needed to get it out...
The more i experience in life, the more i go through, the more i learn.
the more that i live/learn/experience the less that i know.
Things are absolutely abstract.
They are not clear cut.
They are always changing.
Just because you think the world is a certain way doesn't mean that it is. It doesn't matter how dull or exciting or sane or insane your life is. It can switch on you so fast.
Life can pull itself right out from underneath your feet. and everything that you thought that you knew can vanish just like that.
I was not a mother. I wanted to be a mother. I became a mother. I was a mother. I am a mother with no child.
and now... i don't really know what i am other then that because it has infiltrated every single aspect of my life.
Life and politics and war and grief and sacrifice......
If you really "know".... then you know that you don't know.
if you think you know, then you're a fool.
It's a chaotic world.
its a chaotic world with lots of things that us humans build up around it to try and give ourselves a sense of control.
True courage, true bravery, true strength..... that comes when you let go of the control.
Not when you hang onto structure. Structure may be comforting but it doesn't bend.... or barely bends.... and what doesn't bend, breaks.
Because letting go is the hard part. Holding on is easy.
but then again... what do i know?
none of this is easy and none of this makes sense.
What's the point of living life is everyone you know will die? at any age for whatever reason.
(I'm not feeling suicidal, i'm just honestly wondering what the point to all of this is? Is it so chaotic that it's possible that there isn't one?)
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." ~Hermen Hesse
These are like words spilling out of my own brain
ReplyDelete"its a chaotic world with lots of things that us humans build up around it to try and give ourselves a sense of control"
so true. And then after tragedy we have to start searching for meaning somewhere else...
Thank you, Laura.
I love what you say about becoming a mother and now being a mother with no child. I know exactly what you mean, and I agree, it does seem to infiltrate every other part of life. It is hard to know who else (how else) to be.
ReplyDelete"Life and politics and war and grief and sacrifice......
ReplyDeleteIf you really "know".... then you know that you don't know.
if you think you know, then you're a fool."
As ever, you are right and true, Laura Beck.
My ability to suffer fools is growing less, not more. "I noticed that grief was eroding my patience."
Seeing people who cling to the illusion that they control their lives, that they could never lose control, I shake my head. When it goes down, when it *really* goes down, you find out what's what.
And after that, you never forget again - the trauma has, in a very safety-killing way - relieved you of the lie that the control was ever yours.
And - I think - your last question is not depression. It's one of the most real questions there is. I'm not certain how or why someone would go on when they had not yet stared it in the face and, at least, admitted what they see.
Your bravery is beautiful, in the midst of everything,
Cathy in Missouri
So true... I've never felt less in control in my life... and for someone like me (a perfectionist who likes logic and reason and neat little boxes and explanations) it's a really tough adjustment. It's difficult to muddle through the mess and have no reason for why it all happened, but as you say, it begs the question, what is the point in any of it? Like you, I'm not suicidal either, but having faced this kind of senseless loss, it really shakes your core beliefs, and it's much, much harder to answer that question...
ReplyDeleteAoife said exactly what I was going to say. We've had to say goodbye to 2 people this year. Having to say goodbye to my son in July, and then again, to my father-in-law (who I've known since I was 14) in December... really makes me question life. The older I get, I find myself aware of the fact that I've turned into my mom and that she has turned into my grandmother. Before long, I'll turn around and find myself in the grandmother position... closer to death. It really makes me question what my purpose is here... while I'm alive and on this Earth. I used to be terrified of death. While, I'm not in a hurry to expire... I don't fear it like I used to. It brings me a sense of comfort to know that my son is waiting for me, when it's my time to join him. (I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place that I have prepared. - Exodus 23:20) Part of me doesn't really care about my purpose because, like you said... I have no control over it anyway. THAT is the part I struggle with. I used to have this fabulous illusion that life was what I made it. How naive was I? I see other people, living their lives, blissfully unaware how just how quick it can all go wrong. I'm jealous of them. I've been where they are and I miss it. Sadly, our experiences will never allow us that blindness again. We are forever changed.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this all the time too...my thoughts though are messed up all time.
ReplyDeleteI can never stop feeling strange though..being at this place. A mother without a baby. A mother whose son is dead. I cannot stop seeing my son everywhere I look. Yet I have no clue how does he look really now. It feels strange, and am constantly seeking some meaning to this meaningless life.
I have been thinking of you, Wondering how you are. Wondering about your trip. I have been on the internet only briefly...but stil thinking of you. I think these thoughts you wrote often. It is so hard to feel so fragile. My baby died sometime in just a few hours while I slept. that is fragile. that is chaos. that is tragedy. I don't know what the point of life is. I am just glad i am alive. I try to be grateful for the present...my son, my husband, those I love, my life, anything, because so often I am overcome with sadness that reminding myself of good things in necessary right now. hugs to you mama.
ReplyDeletethanks you babes. I have been thinking about all of you hard today. It's sucked for me, being the first Xmas without Truman, so i'm sure it's sucked equally for you guys.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is achey.
I haven't blogged as much lately because we have been on the road..... but you guys have been in my thoughts very frequently and at times kept me from flipping the fuck out.
Sending you ladies lots of love and big hugs.