This is the first major thing that i have done since Truman died.
Although i do think that it will be good for me to be out instead of being at home for the holidays.
I'm feeling such a mix of emotions.
I love love love being on the road. I love the Florida Keys, my old neighborhood, which is where we are heading before we turn around and head back here to Northern California.
Key West is one of the reasons that Truman got his name. A main road down the middle of the island is named Truman among many other things. It will feel so good to be surrounded by his name.
I just wish that he was with us for it all.
I'm nervous that my friends in Florida will not know how to deal with the new me. and i'm nervous about how i am going to deal with how they deal with the new me.
On the way through we will be spending time at my Dad's for his birthday and Xmas.
We are also stopping to in New Orleans which is a special spot for Jeff and I.
It hurts to even look forward to something. Nothing can be just good for goodness sake anymore. It comes accompanied with this aching and longing for my little boy each and every time.
This would have been Truman's first trip. First time to his Opa's house. First Christmas. First long car ride.
I keep picturing him in a car seat bundled up and ready to go.
The past two days have been really rough for me.
I have be "okay" whatever that means anymore. But i keep having flashbacks.
intense ones, heart breaking, punch you in the gut ones. Like rubbing Truman's soft little head against my cheek, his sweet little face all scrunched up when he would cry, and him opening up his eyes and staring right into mine when he heard my voice. They come unexpectedly, out of the blue.
This is not the way that things are suppose to be.
I miss my baby.
I want him back.
I'll never get him back.
I'm hurting pretty badly this evening.
I get all that pain...this is not how it's supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteI think about my son strapped on to his car seat on the back of the car every time am on road with my husband. That image is so vivid in my kind that sometimes it's hard to believe it didn't happen.
I wish your road trip goes well though...thinking of you and your Truman
i'm sorry you're feeling so down, laura. i wish i could be there to give you a hug. hopefully this upcoming trip will be something to look fwd to.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Laura. I found the pain at three and four months out to be excruciating at times. The reality of my new life, full of sadness and suffering, was so hard to wake up and face each day. All of the flashbacks, which seemed to replay through my mind whenever it was clear of thought for even a moment, all of the should have beens. It felt like death was all around me, waiting to swallow me and the rest of my family whole. I'm so sorry you're hurting like this.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I love being on the road too. We have spent countless days road tripping around America, around the world, and it would have been the first thing we did after Margot died if we didn't have a two year old at home. We still crave the road like a meth junkie, and take trips whenever we can. I hope you find some healing on the road, in the car, as the two of you pass through the night. Or perhaps a tiny bit of respite from the overwhelming grief.
If you ever pass through Los Angeles, feel free to stop in and say hello. There is nothing like a face to face friend who understands your pain.
Hang in there Laura. The grief evolves, ever so slightly. Be gentle on yourself.
Love and peace,
Josh
Sometimes I wonder if the flashbacks will ever stop. I always look into the back seat of the jeep expecting to look upon Jack in his car seat. When we go out I am always left with the constant feeling that I have forgotten something. I hope you are able to find some joy and peace on your trip. xo
ReplyDeleteThe flashbacks are awful - like some cruel person is playing voodoo doll and stabbing at random intervals... I hope they get less frequent over time.
ReplyDeleteAbout your road trip, I know it must be strange to look forward to something, maybe even a little guilty? But I'm sure you'll take your camera and it could be a great opportunity to take some shots and capture more images for the creative work you've been doing in honour of little Truman?
I hope your current pain eases a little for you soon.
Take care xx
UGH! the FLASHBACKS! I have them all the time. Was crying at 2am this morning. Couldn't sleep, kept replaying my trip to the hospital when I found out Camille was dead. I can't stop them from coming and they come when they want. I am only 4 months from Camille in my arms and it is really really rough for me. I have to say, going on a road trip sounds really grand. We have spent most weekends away back in Santa Cruz for the last 2 months and just being away from "this space" and in another helps shift my mind a bit. helps me kind of step out of the thick of it and breathe a little easier. I hope the drive is therapeutic for lack of a better word. I also hope it is enjoyable in the face of the tragedy which is living without Truman. XXOO
ReplyDeletethank you lovey's. i don't know what i'd do with out you guys in this little corner of the internet world.
ReplyDeleteRenel- you are right, i wonder if getting out of the thick of it will be good for me. I think this all might be a mixture of anxiety about the holidays and leaving home and facing friends who i haven't faced yet. But maybe it will be healing, i can only hope right?
Josh- if we can, i would love to stop and say hello. you and my Jeff have some similar interests (he builds bookshelves, i think it's called peg in hole style??) anyways,none of his friends get what he is going through, at all. He has recently become a lot quieter and closed off about the loss. It would probably be really good for him to meet another BLF.
Aoife- You are right, it is definitely guilt too. It's guilt that i am doing something, anything, without him. Let alone even enjoy myself? the idea is foreign. I am definitely going to be taking TONS of photos. I'll make sure to post the best ones for you guys.
:( Sorry Laura! I'm so glad you have found such a great support group of parents who you can relate too. Just know that I'm thinking of you!
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ReplyDeleteTruman, the world is emptier this morning, missing you. No one will ever fill your space.
ReplyDeleteIf only you were there in the arms of your parents. No replacement, ever, for you.
Missing him & aching for you both,
Cathy in Missouri
We headed to Florida shortly after Calla died, too. It was the middle of a brutal winter and we needed some sunshine and needed to get out of our lives for a bit. I love travelling for that very reason--my real life just kind of blurs at the edges.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love. Missing beautiful Truman with you. I so wish he was there with you.
xo
By the way - I love this font. What is it?
ReplyDeleteThank you guys. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks for your number Josh, i saved it to my phone so i'm going to delete it off of here. My "Tru Love" is Mutlu and my signature is "Before the Rain."
Thanks for deleting my phone number. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm actually wondering the font of your posts!
ohh! lol i use Georgia most of the time and i believe that is what this is. :)
ReplyDelete