Its October 1st. As I watched midnight roll by I whispered my rabbits and thought about Truman. I'm wide awake staring at his empty baby blanket that i have cried into so many times wishing that he was wrapped up in it.
His birthday was the 1st of August and i didn't say my rabbits on his birthday.
I had been woken up that day by my nurses panicking, they thought Truman's heart beat had stopped and were gearing up for a possible emergency c-section.
I'm not typically a superstitious person but now i do wish that i would have said my rabbits that day.
He would have been two months old today, i would have been getting ready to take him home from the NICU. This is the month that he would have been born if I wouldn't have had severe Pre-eclampsia.
Is this how its going to be for the rest of my life? "He would have been..... " - I think so.
I was so looking forward to Halloween and Christmas with our little man since the moment I found out i was pregnant with him.
Christmas has been a very non-eventful, almost forgotten about completely holiday in my family since my grandparents died. I was so excited to have Truman for the holidays and make a big deal out of it all again. Actually put up a tree again, play some music and bake cookies. Buy tons of baby's first Christmas stuff. I know that my Dad, Jeff's mom... we all dreamed of what future holidays would look like together with our sweet boy.
Instead of making travel plans and costume ideas, I am planning a funeral.
.......I still can not believe that this happened to us.
His due date, Oct 12th, is approaching. His "would have been" day. We wanted to have his memorial closest to his due date as possible and ended up with October 15th. Which also is rightfully Sweetest Day and Infant Loss Remembrance Day world wide.
My mother died when i was six. I know that it was very hard for her to leave me here. I was her pride and joy. Now that i lost Truman, I can't imagine the grief that she must have felt knowing
that her time left with was limited. Its so unnatural to separate mother and child.
While my mother was dying she wrote me a letter.
I read it every so often to remind myself of our love. Its like that quote "Death ends a life, not a relationship," I have kept some sort of relationship going with my mother through out the years. All feeding back to that letter, photo albums and stories from people that knew her well.
I have been trying to think of a letter to write to Truman for part of his memorial. One that says just as much about life that my mother wrote to me. Now that I am writing to my child that i have been separated from, I understand fully how eloquent and graceful my mother was with her thoughts and words. A final letter that encompasses everything in life that you want for your child is probably one of the most difficult things to ever write. There is just too much and it will always seem unfinished.
I feel like every word doesn't mean enough and fails to compare to how bright Truman is in my heart and in our lives.
I'm not sure if anyone is really reading this, but if you are, what would you write to your child if you only had one letter to write?
“Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.” W.S. Merwin
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