hopefully more to be hopeful about.

I am missing Truman today, so much, like i do every day. I just can not get over how sweet he was.

I have decided that i think "hope" is a weird word.

Especially weird when you just lost a baby.

While i think that it is suppose to evoke positive feelings, i think that its very hard to define.

Recently there was a public question on one of the blogs i read: "Now that you have suffered a loss like this, what do you find hope in?"

Its been really hard for me to feel hopeful lately and i had a really hard time answering this question.

I hope that my life will become a happy one again.

I hope that i can have healthy babies that live and that i don't get pre-eclampsia again.

I hope to live a relatively comfortable life.

I hope to be healthy.

But is that me finding hope "in"? i have absolutely no idea. To me those seem like desires or wishes.

I guess i am really just not clear on what hope exactly means anymore. I had plenty of hope when i thought Truman was going to live a full life. He was my future, i definitely found hope in that. But I quickly lost complete control of my life. I find comfort in my friends and family and their caring/kind words, but i'm not sure about hope.

I have been finding so many women who have suffered infant loss and while i find so much comfort in them and their stories at times i also feel isolated and different from everyone else.

Growing up motherless is something that has always effected me deeply. I received a card in the mail from a dear friend of mine, Ariel, and as i was reading the absolutely beautiful words that she wrote to me about Truman, i had a flash back. It was Junior Prom and we had rented a huge limo. All of the parents stood in the driveway and waved us off as we pulled out. I felt myself choke up. We stopped at a grocery store and most of the limo emptied out to run in and purchase something. I couldn't hold it in any more, I burst out into tears. All i remember is sobbing pretty hard for a few minutes and my friend Ariel holding me and comforting me.

I felt like I was missing out. I felt like i stuck out. I knew that something (the large love of a mother) was missing in my life. I didn't want to be thinking about it on such an exciting day, but i was. This was definitely not the first time that i felt this way.

I had no one to walk me through my pregnancy. I did not have a woman figure with me in the hospital until i met my special nurse Elsepeth. I had the comforting words from a loving father who i adore and appreciate more then anything but he is not a woman. and there are something's you'll just always want your momma for, or at least someone who has a uterus and loves you.

The other reason is my lack of religious beliefs. I do not believe in God. and that very much separates me from like 98% of these women. Although i do want to say that since Truman has died, i don't know what I believe any more. The pain is so big and of course I would love to believe that i will hold him again someday and that he is with my mom. Thats extremely comforting and i wish i could lay my head on that fact every night. But i can't.

Many times when topics of grief or hope is brought up the conversation ends with God. Things like, "He is in a better place", "I know that he is with God", "I find peace and hope in my Lord.", "I know that this is God's plan and i need to accept it.".... all those statements bring many people peace but do not bring me a pinch of comfort.

I have tried too, but i just envision Truman with some bearded stranger who just ruined my life and i'm back to here. I can't help but think, if there is a loving God then what's the point of giving someone something if you are just going to take it away? There is enough suffering in the world without that aspect.

I was in this forum that was pretty active and i threw it out there. I was like, "Has anyone found hope in something other then God?"

It was seriously like crickets chirping. No one posted a thing after that.

Its either that or I will be chatting one on one with a woman and we are exchanging stories and everything is going back and forth nicely and then she'll say something like, "It's been very hard. one thing I try to keep in the back of my head is, My God will never give me more than I can handle."

and it's like the conversations is over. How do i respond to that? They feel fulfilled. Their thought is complete. I wasn't ready to stop there, i had more to say. and if there is a God, he definitely just gave me more then i can handle which is why i'm on this shitty forum at 4am looking for strangers to help me make sense of this.

and i don't want to take anything away from these women. They find hope and peace in their God and honestly i'm a little bit jealous of that. Because its not that easy for me. But by me continuing to talk after that point about my beliefs and questions would make them feel uncomfortable and i'm not willing to do that to them.

To be honest, when that person asked the question about what I find hope in now.... The first thing i thought is everyone is going to say God. and how is that going to help me heal?

I'm sure i'm not the only non-religious motherless daughter out there who is dealing with infant loss. I just have a different way of grieving then them and i notice it.

So I have been searching for things to find hope in.

What do you find hope in?