freeform mind release

With the year mark coming up fast, i have been reflecting a lot.
As of July 24th, 2011
I was being sucked up into the the vortex of this life... even on the way up, suspended in the air, strapped into the emergency airlift, i had a smile on my face, hoping
my innocence was a protective thing.
of course everything would be fine.
i just had to get over this little rough patch.
then that rough path turned into another and then into another.
August 4th, 2011.
he died.
I was dropped from my suspended place of hope and innocence and fell hard.
broke... shattered into a trillion little pieces.
everything changed in that moment.
The axis upon which my entire world turned.
the pain ripped through me like thunder.
deafening. loud. pain.
So loud that it still clouds my life today.
darkening even the sunniest days.
everything is dulled.
i cried out for him in my sleep. sobbed for my baby.
walked out of the hospital with empty arms.
an empty carseat.
not enough painful words to ever describe what carried me across the golden gate bridge and home and every single day up to here.

so i hid. from everything.
up here in my little bird nest that had made for us and our baby.
i cried. i slept.
my biggest move of the day was letting the dogs out and getting the mail.
there were days that i was surprised that i even woke up breathing.
there i was.

there i was.
not living at all really, for most of this past year.
just trying to breathe and find one pin drop of light
in a dark room filled with no hope

"I love him"
speaks nothing of how big my heart swells everytime i remember our time together, for how much i feel.
he is mine and i am his.
I love his name.
I want it there on paper.
in my ears, in my eyes, in my heart.
more then anything i want to hear his voice, as a child and then a grown man
calling me Mom.
such a simple gesture that has always caught my ears.
like for years when trying things on in fitting rooms... the mother's and daughters one stall over.
calling for each other, and my ears would perk.
so that's what I am missing. it's never came too easily....

I want to open the window and yell his name so loud that all the neighborhood kids can hear it.
I want his painting on my fridge
and his sticky sweaty head slumped sleeping on my shoulder
I want to meet his children.
I want to watch his life unfold.

everything changed, everything fell.
my family. my friends. my career. myself. the way i think. the way i feel about life.
Jeff lost his son and the girl he used to know. My Dad lost his grandson and the security of his daughters health. my friends lost me too, i am different in countless ways.
It's times like that when i can buy into the "we are all connected" bit
because there is no way that fall, that cannon ball, that bomb, didn't ripple back and forth.
through all of this. A mother's love is just way too strong big connection.
341 days without him
it sounds like nothing.
like no time has really passed.
it has been exhausting.
everyday it gets more complex
I have picked myself up every single day for 341 days
no mother should ever have to go this long without seeing or hearing from her child.

why haven't i dreamt of him yet?

the letters and the love and the gratitude and the caring has been large and loud too
but nothing is louder then that pain
nothing is big enough to justify it or make sense of it
no picture, no quote from some smart famous person, no bible verse.

the course of my entire life changed this year.
with him.
my little lion cub.

I have learned how to juggle my grief.
How to hush and soothe it for the time being, how to compact it into a time slot after hours,
so that i can smile for others.
Comfort them in being seemingly content.
that is mostly for the strangers and the assholes who say hurtful things. and the overall society.
I have learned how to hurt on this level and still some-what be socially acceptable.
but it is fake. it is acting. but selfish too. it's out of the kindness of my heart and also for the rewards of not being outcasted.

The price of love at this level is grief at this level.
and no one wants to hear the grief pains without the love involved.
i am grateful that some of my best friends love Truman too.
They love him enough to just let me move through this in the most un-graceful and un-stoic way.
the way i need to- kicking and screaming, bitching and complaining.
I am grateful for all of them... it hasn't been easy for them either, to watch and listen.

My time with Truman now-a-days is in the raspberry patch, in the garden.
my time in smelling the flowers, he fills my mind, every time.
it's in the sunlight hitting my face, he is there with me and every single time i wish it was in the physical form.
my time with his pictures, his baby blanket, his bag full of onesies
my time with Truman is in those few moments before i fall asleep.
and when i run.
I run for my hopes and my fears, equally.
I run because its a time when i can punish my body for betraying me.
I run because its a time where my thoughts run towards Truman.
I run because i am training for this life without him.
that's the heaviest weight that i've ever lifted.

this "new normal"
it's still a work in progress.

Today at work a woman walked in and said to me "my friend's baby just died today."
The words almost pushed me off my feet.
I have been having a rough past few days, with the year mark closing in, i feel confused, disoriented and grief stricken in that silent and wordless way.
I am a fake.
I fake happiness and okay-ness all day long, every single day with almost every single encounter that i have. It makes life here very superficial on a day to day basis, but no complaints... maybe all my customers are faking it too. You never know.

As soon as my customer confessed such horrible news, i mumbled out "my baby died too."
Next thing I know we are comforting each other as I listen to her story about her son who was born stillborn because she was overdue and no one would take her seriously enough to run a stress test on them. Unbelievable the shit that goes on. and i mean SHIT. Are you kidding me? Like how does this even happen? No one deserves this.

Her friend is down at UCSF too... her baby died because of an amniocentesis situation, her fluids weren't bouncing back and her son died.
She texted her friend while we talked that her breasts were sore and all she wants is him back.
Her statement sent me back to UCSF and the blur of it all. The pain. the confusion. it's so completely disorienting and it changes the course of your entire life.
I gave her 2 of my Humboldt Faces of Loss cards and told her to contact me whenever, that i'd love to get together with her and her friend. We spoke briefly about how the first few months after are just such a time on hiding and isolation, we both agreed that that was our experience at least.

Then her other friend came in and opened up that she had had two miscarriages.

Talking with them made me re-realize that SO many parents experience the pain that we know and live with. Everyone's story is different and sucks in their own intense ways.


****************

This in between state of being.... a mother with no child here..... is exhausting. I want to try to have another baby as soon as possible but there is just SO much more to think about now.
Not just their life, but mine... will i survive?
Will I get pre-eclampsia?
If so how bad?
What if i end up with permanent damage to my organs or worse, brain?
What if the baby lives but is sick or special needs?
Can we go through nerve wracking surgeries?
How can we afford that?
What if the baby dies like Truman did?
Can i go through losing another child?
I'm not sure that i can mentally or emotionally handle that.
What if the child lives and then dies at like 25? or 35? or 45?
Can i handle any of this?
Can anyone else really handle it either?
Or does everyone just throw themselves to the wind and hope for the best?
What if i try to get pregnant and can't?
What if Truman is the only child that we ever have?
How would I handle that?
Trying means having to face SO many of these questions.

I'm putting these questions on hold.
Jeff will be applying to UC Davis. That is step one.
If he gets in then I can start to face some of these questions because i will be close enough to doctors who can take me.

Face2Face

I am going to meet some parents from our baby loss community in person today! Face to face!
I am so looking forward to it.
One, because I love this momma's blog and the way that she thinks but also because we both suffered from pre-eclampsia. It's so interesting to feel those blog vs. real world feelings of "Oh, you really do exist, you are real, you aren't just words on my screen that i find comfort and friendship in." :)

On the face to face topic... most all of us are familiar with Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope organization. this week i found out that I will be the new leader for the Face2Face friendship groups here in Humboldt county! (Ours will be called Humboldt Faces of Loss Friendship Group). There is little to no support here for people like us so i am honored and stoked to be able to start this for our community.
I really hope some local women take interest in it. It would be really nice to be around people who get it, within my own community.
They are sending me business cards to drop off at OB offices and i made a posting on craigslist. So far the only person to reach out to me was a naturopathic doctor from Eureka looking to share her PTSD info.

*******

Saturday, before father's day, was a big festival here called "Oyster Fest"..... which is basically a drunk as you can be festival. It starts at 10am and goes until 5:30pm and people get WASTED. I had to work for the whole thing. Where I work is right on the plaza where the festival was held. So after a busy day of drunk customers, i needed a beer too. So Jeff and I met up with some of the people who we hang out with when we feel like being social. I'm not terribly close with these people (they are more like Jeff's people) but they are around when we feel like doing something.
All of them we either severely tipsy, or drunk. I had one beer down and Truman came up.
Nice at first. someone brought up how this time last year they remembered me being pregnant and over the moon and that it made them shed a little tear for us and Truman. Which was nice.
Then.
It was someone else chiming in, "I'm sorry you lost him but you need to remember that YOU are not replaceable. Your life has meaning still."
Uh god, I thought, why are we talking about Truman when all of you are drunk when none of you bring him up when your sober? when all of you talk to me like were are talking about a cat that died and not my son? Sensing that this person was implying that Truman is replaceable, I just said, "Well, yes, but Truman was an individual as well, with just as much personality and emotions as I have, I hope you guys understand that he isn't replaceable either."
Then shortly after, father's day came up and I mention to another woman who i have felt close to in the past that I hope Jeff is feeling okay. and she just looked at me "sympathetically" and said, "Someday Laura, someday...."
I was confused, so i said, "Someday what?"
Her eyes got a bit bigger, and then she shrugged her shoulders.
Ohhhh... someday i'll have living children and we can celebrate father's day instead of miss Truman.
She thinks i'm pining away for future living children..... does she not see that we are parents, that we do celebrate mother's and father's day we just so happen to be missing our child.
This is when I realized that with this group of people the ignorance about our situation has been snowballing.
I said, "'Someday', no. Someday has absolutely nothing to do with father's day." and left the room. It was a burn. and mostly for Jeff. Because father's are SO forgotten about sometimes and here is this person basically saying he isn't a father, but someday he will be.
This person who said this knows someone who just lost a 17 year old. It was her only child. I just wanted to say, "Would tell that mother that she is no longer a mother because her only child died?" What about a woman that has 6 children and all of them die under the age of 1? Is she not a mother?
And honestly i'm not even being defensive about the whole parent title.... what it goes down to is the understanding. The acknowledgment that i gave birth to a child, who lived for 3 days and then died. and also the fact that it's the day before father's day and no matter how drunk you are maybe things like this shouldn't be said because it's just rude. Like if her mother died I wouldn't say to her condescendingly "Someday.... someday maybe you'll have another mother" the day before mother's day.

A few days after father's day a friend who knows all of these people confessed that she felt horrible for not reaching out to me on mother's day, that she had wanted to but when she was hanging out with this crowd, they all told her not to bring it up to me, to just leave it alone.
I reiterated (for about the 5 millionth time) that talking about Truman, being reminded of Truman, in no way makes me feel sadness or brings me down-- that i think about him all day every day and it's not like i forget that he died and someone else bringing him up will make me hurt any more then I already do. If anything it would make me feel good that he is remembered and that we are thought about.

It just feels like this group of people are determined to not understand Jeff and I. Our words don't get far with them. They never ask us questions, they tell us how it is, or they assume how it is and spread it to each other.
Doesn't help that none of them have kids, none of them are married, they are more on the immature party side of things. But for me at this point it is exhausting to deal with and being around them makes me feel heaps of unpleasant emotions that usually if i feel i just weigh the reality of the situation and then cut myself off from it... but in this case one of Jeff's very close friends is in this group. So it's not really up to me.
I went from just missing my son,  just a little bit worried about Jeff and wanting a beer..... to missing my son, worried about Jeff, wanting a beer, feeling isolated, not heard, misunderstood, a little bit frustrated and angry.

This has been an interesting time frame, 10 months out. Some people are coming forward with "I'm sorry's" for not being there in the beginning and then other's are becoming more closed off and ignorant to what we live with everyday. a shift.

Anyways, so on sunday, father's day, i was feeling anger. and frustration. and even a little sadness that was residing for the previous night. I was hurt by the ignorance within this group of "friends" who are so adamant on misunderstanding us.... and especially the timing of it all for Jeff was just sucky and unfair.

It's really exhausting. All of this is.

Since then though i feel better about it all. they can think what ever they want about us and our situation. I have no control over what kind of people they are. I am just going to keep talking and keep telling people our truth and hopefully sooner than later I'll find people that i can actually connect with, on my level, here in Humboldt.

******
My friend Julie sent me a picture that she took of us one year ago today. The weekend when I started to become pre-eclamptic. I LOVE seeing pictures of the three of us that I've never seen before. I loved my time with him SO much. It was taken with a cell phone... and don't mind my pj's! ;)

Saw this and immediately thought of you, SG and Ginny!! Congratulations! xo

Sorry that i've been missing.
Sorry that i haven't been reading and commenting as much too.
I have been so busy with the new job, the final wedding planning details and visitors coming and going.
You guys have all been on my mind though, believe me. I think of each of you through my days and actually found something at work that is perfect for baby dragon's arrival (SG)!
I'll post it for you soon ;)

My grief hasn't changed much lately. I'm at a loss for words again. The 10 month mark was hard of me for some reason. But all other days seem to feel the same. Things remind me of him throughout my day, i pause, hug his sweet little body and brush his fuzzy head against my cheek in my mind and then go on with what i am doing.
I do have to say though that i am starting to believe that children have a sixth sense of things. All the babies and really young kids that come into work STARE at me... and there will be tons of other people around but they are dead locked on me. I'll look up and realize that their eyes are following me around the room. I wish i could ask them what they are looking at. I like to think that they can see Truman and that it's not just my blond hair.

I met another woman who lost a child due to pre-e here in town. I wanted to write about it, but there isn't much to say. She seemed very spaced out and annoyingly positive for someone who has experienced baby loss. She lost her baby around 5 months and when i talked to her seemed like she had little to no emotion on the topic. I'm not judging, we all deal differently in order to survive. She sort of just looked at me like she pitied me. I was just surprised at how much meeting her *didn't* effect me. I felt like she had no idea the pain that i carry everyday, which wasn't what i was expecting when our mutual friend introduced us. But that could just be my interruption of the conversation. Either way, it was whatever.

i will be reading and commenting when i can. lots of love to you guys, always. xoxo

Pre-eclampsia in the Work Place

I have had a ton of social anxiety since Truman died.
I have never been a awkward or shy person, until my grief. I feel like now i spend a lot of my time holding back from people, watching what i say to not make them feel uncomfortable, etc.
When i do get weird, i am so strange that echos of my last awkward words repeat in my head over and over.
why am i such a f'ing weirdo. god. snap out of it.
maybe i'm crazy. probably. but i'm working on not being so.
like most problems in my life, if i observe an issue, i dive in head first and try to fix it as much as possible.
So i have been trying every single day. Just be myself and own it. Cut out the self hate, everything is fine.
Like i mention in one of my last posts, i decided to tell my boss about Truman. When i did that i made the decision to be honest with any one who asks me at work.
When the question comes up "Do you guys have any kids?" i can do one of two things.... i can say "No" and then have to watch every word that i say and be racked with guilt until the end of time for feeling like I betrayed my beautiful boy... or i can be the weirdo awkward girl who says "yes" and then fills in the bare necessity details which is usually followed by a "oh i'm sorry" and "thank you" and then it's over, never to be mentioned again.
I HATE making other people feel uncomfortable which is what happens when I explain that we had a son, he lived for 3 days and then died suddenly.

Today i worked with a new woman, one that i will be working with frequently for the next month. She is my age, beautiful, seems to be a hard worker and mostly keeps to herself. Which is awesome for me- just my kind of co-worker.
We got to chatting and she started asking me questions.

I did what i usually do.
She asked "do you guys have kids?" and i started to sweat, got a lump in my throat, got weird all in fear of her thinking i'm f'ed up or that some how i did something to kill my baby.
I answered, "Yes, a son, but unfortunately he passed away."
She responded well. At this point I started to notice, that she wasn't shying away in discomfort and awkward silence like most people do, there was sympathy behind her eyes. The kind that only comes from experience.
I asked her if she has kids. She said "yes a daughter, Bailey" and then slipped in that they had lost Bailey's little brother.
She mentioned that she had pre-eclampsia, that she was hospitalized.
Next thing i knew we were both staring at each other blurry eyed and choking back tears.
then she clarified. Her son and daughter had been twins.... she became pre-eclamptic and miscarried her son then somehow her daughter held on and kept growing until 35 weeks.
Unbelievable.
We talked about Magnesium Sulfate, and how 4 years out she still doesn't feel as healthy as or strong she did before she had pre-e, etc. We both had our babies in the same hospital on the same floor.

I asked if she had named her son.
She said that they had a name picked out for him but never named him. She had been in Atlanta when the stillbirth happened and they just took him away and she never saw him. My heart squeezed with pain for her when she said this. The pain in her eyes got louder. I could tell at this point that i was probably drudging up some serious stuff for her so i backed off even though i am left with a lot of questions for her.
But after all, there is a time and a place and we are pretty much strangers on the verge of bawling like lunatics in the workplace.

So today was an interesting day at work. I ran into my first real-life, in front of my face, fellow pre-eclampsia survivor who has suffered a loss. That's a big day in my book.

sudden remorse

An old friend who use to be one of Jeff's best friends who was absent through out all of our grieving has reappeared. He didn't want to be excluded from our wedding which i totally planned on not inviting him until he told Jeff that he was going to "show up to the wedding whether he is invited or not, that there is no way he is missing it". I think part of him was actually shocked when he didn't get a wedding invite and everyone else did and it started to sink in to him that we had written him off. In my mind, what he didn't do is unforgivable and while i am nice to him, it will never be the same in my eyes. He disrespected my son, my fiance and my own friendship with him and that is not something that i'll just forget. So he has been around the past few weeks again, trying to come clean? or who knows what.

Conversation

friend:"I wish you and Jeff were having a wedding party, this was one of my last chances to stand up for someone."

thinking: ???? he would have never stood up on Jeff's side, he is delusional.
me: ".... yeah we aren't doing that. But maybe we will take a 'would have been in the wedding party' picture, which would be nice. Julie would have been my maid of honor."

friend: "What about Beth?"

me: "Beth and I aren't friends anymore. We don't talk. She's not even invited to the wedding."
{Beth and i were best friends since high school. I was there for all 3 of her pregnancies, births and raising of her children and was known as "Aunt Laura"/godmother to her middle child}

friend: (confused look) "Really? What happened?"

me: "I almost died in the hospital and she never called me once. Then Truman died and we never really talked much after that. She texted me a few times to remind me that she felt bad that she couldn't call me, ironically because her phone was in her hand. So yeah, the girls and her are out of my life."

friend: (his eyes started to well up with disbelief and tears, as he now is just starting to understand 0.5% of what we have been dealing with) "You loved those girls."

me: "Yeah. We have lost so much.... it's hard for people to really understand. I didn't just lose my son, which is horrible enough on it's own, i lost friends on top of it when we needed them the most. There is so much more that we lost too but-" (stopping myself before jumping into it all)

friend: "Jeff laid into me almost immediately the first time i saw him since and rightfully so. I am so sorry that i wasn't there for you guys, when i should have been. I know what amazing people you two are, and the love that you have for each other and i know that you will have children some day."

thinking: You Know? no one knows anything. Truman might be the only baby we ever have.
me: "We did have children. We had Truman."

friend: "I know, i'm sorry, that's not what i meant...."

me: "Well, it's just hard because, this is all after the fact. I appreciate that you are sorry. It's better late then never but at the same time Jeff had no one and that's not okay with me. Truman was a person just as much as J [his brother who died] was. Any child that we have will be Truman's sibling. We live with missing him every single day and you have no idea what we really went through because you weren't there. and you don't ask."

friend: "I know, I'm sorry."

thinking now: If you weren't there, then you really don't know much and if you don't know much then you don't know who we are any more as people. It makes it all so superficial. Can anyone truly be sorry after the fact when it comes to something like this? I'm not sure. Just because it's so easy to say. Actions speak louder then words. It's not like he didn't know exactly what he was doing.

Just interesting to see the first glimmers of remorse showing from someone who had gone missing.

I was hired for the job that started on mother's day.
Mother's Day itself went pretty well. I was busy and had my mask on and by the end of the day, it felt like any other day of missing Truman and my mom.
I was touched by friends thinking of me who wrote me lovely facebook messages and text messages and phone calls. I felt that Truman was remembered and loved.
As far as that horrible day goes, mine went way better then expected. The day itself was not what i ever wanted for myself, but it's what i have, and compared to all of the other day's of the year that i miss him and her... it felt like any other day.

The job has been just what i needed.
My first day i worked with a really nice woman, Sarah. She was hilarious. She asked me what i do, besides work, and I went through the list. Once I got to explaining how i am a licensed Veterinary Technician who really needed a break from the life and death of it all she said, "Oh yeah, people in the Vet field are like number 2 on the suicide watch list for professionals most likely to kill themselves." I burst out laughing and agreed, it's a heavy job without death being so close to home as it is with us (which i didn't bother explaining to her).

Today a nurse came in. She is in town for a while to teach other nurses. As i listened to her "it must be fate" story about the how's and why's that she landed here in town, I felt what i call "the familiar's".
Sometimes throughout my life i meet someone who I find their soul to feel familiar. Whether it's because of personality or similar experiences. I can just feel this sort of instant connection.
Her presence jogged my memory and i thought of Elspeth and all the other nurses (both good and bad) who helped me while i was in the hospital with Truman. Specifically the last nurse i talked to there, the one that told me that it was completely normal to feel panicked to be packing up my room and getting ready to leave without my baby. my mind flashed back to myself sitting on the edge of the bed, getting ready to take each scary and desperately sad step out of the hospital without my son- thrown into the whirling and buzzing city that never knew the difference- but i did.
I caught myself from continuing the thought. Her energy, her obvious compassion, made miss that horrible time in my life, just because then was closer to Truman then now is.

Many people told me not to tell my boss or co-workers about Truman. Because it's business vs. personal life and there is no reason they need to know. But in my heart, i know that if i am to succeed in an environment, i need people to know what has happened. I need to be able to be myself and he is a huge part of myself. I made the decision to tell my boss because we work closely together all day- and I'm glad that i did.
Today, i spotted a Father's Day card. It was simple, a big seahorse and a tiny seahorse holding tails. Perfect. Especially for us biology freaks (male seahorses carry their baby's). Inside simply said 'happy father's day'. there is nothing particularly happy about mother's or father's day any more, but the card was cute enough that it made me excited to give it to Jeff. I closed the card and said out loud, "I need to get this card for Jeff for Father's day." I caught a moment of surprise in my bosses body language, which disappeared quickly, I'm guessing as scanned her mind to recall if i had children and then she remembered what i had told her. and she easily responded, "Isn't that cute? I love that card."
Normal. That is what i needed. I can openly express myself without having to think before every single word comes out of my mouth. I can mention Truman casually and just say what comes naturally.
and no awkwardness.
Just reality.
Truman died.
Fuck.
It hurts my heart that i am still writing that and somehow the reality hasn't changed.
But even though people can't see that we have a son and we can't brag about his newest achievements to co-workers and customers- he is a part of our lives. I can't imagine having to go about my life pretending that that isn't the case.

I'm not sure if i ever wrote about Jeff being a builder before but he builds custom bookshelves, furniture and such. He was inspired to build a new urn for Truman this summer and now building custom urns is becoming part of his thing. I'll post pictures of Truman's handmade-by-Daddy urn once it's done. It just goes to show how death seems to become a family member once your child dies.

Truman's Aunt Naomi has her big haircut tomorrow. She is buzzing it for the chemo-therapy which starts soon here.

There is a glimmer of hope!
I got a call for a job today.
It's so funny to me because out of all the day's in the year, she asked me to come in for a test run on Sunday, Mother's Day, 12-5pm.
Just goes to show how not in alignment i am with this place, but whatever, i'm stoked just for even a chance of a new start here.
I'm just hoping that i can keep it together, which i am pretty sure that i can. I'm sure the store will be filled with mother's and daughter and babies and the whole nine yards.
I just have to keep my mask on and smile and seem interested. Should be exhausting yet do-able.

Mother's day has always been hard for me.
Being mother-less from an early age has always sucked and i have always tried my hardest to not let it get to me.
But it has and although i am less irritated by the emotions of being motherless now that i am older there are still times in my life when it does sneak up and sting just as hard as it use to.
I never thought that mother's day would ever be more depressing for me then how it was.

Last mother's day i was pregnant and SO happy.
The pre-eclampsia had not kicked in yet.
Jeff doesn't really do holidays but i nagged him to spend the day with me lounging in the back yard, just the five of us (Jeff, Tru, Me, Pilot and Rufus-our dogs). Followed by dinner. Jeff took some pregnancy shots of me.
At the time I had no idea that it was going to be the most peaceful Mother's day that i would probably ever experience in my entire life.
It was a mellow, sleepy, happy day.

The only Mother's Day that i got to spend with Truman alive.

The only Mother's Day that i thought about everything that i did have instead of what i don't.

What i find interesting when i look back at these photos is how peaceful i look. I guess it could look like i am sad too, but i wasn't. I was just so complete.

Vent

I have been debating on whether or not to post this post because essentially it's just a total bitch fest. But it needs to come out.

Everyone who i love and feel very deeply connected to is thousands of miles away. It makes grieving on this level very hard.

the redwoods forests.
the unruly Pacific Ocean.
The abundance of organic produce.
The beyond amazing yoga teachers.
... there are good things about this area.
i try to stay focused on them most of time.
especially because i am already a battling so much.
but it's time for me to come clean.

I F'ing HATE living here in Humboldt county.

There it is.
For those who are in my life, they have heard it more times then i'd like to admit.
But when i say that- i try, i realllllllly try to like it here.
Grieving on top of the already bad taste in my mouth for this place though makes it even harder to see the silver linings. The good in no way make the bad more bearable.

I could list all the reasons I don't like it here but i won't find that to be therapeutic.
Bottom line is, it's the people here.
There are not enough words to articulate how much i do not fit in here with these people which is not a problem that i have ever experienced before in my life.
I have put in so much effort and time into trying to love it here and it always falls flat.

Even more so since Truman died.
No joke, it is literally like there was a memo sent out and i'm the town outcast.
Because this is a small area, it is very cliquey.
There isn't a huge abundance of job listing but what have gone out I am perfectly capable of doing.
I have been searching for a job for 5 months now. I have sent out so many resumes and followed up and people just don't even respond to you.
I am on my game. I am reliable. I stand by my word. I am never late. I take some things seriously.
I feel like i am constantly living in an alternate universe here because people don't care about those qualities here.

I have tried to let go of it all.
Tried to be more relaxed.
That didn't work either.
I have tried everything.
So now I am just angry.

I am grieving. I have lost old friends, the ones who I thought i never would.
And the newer friends too. There are friends that I am still forced to see occasionally around town that make me feel like crap because they don't care about me or Truman and they don't understand.

These friends mean something to Jeff, so i try my best to put on a face for him and fake a social life.
But these "friends" tend to be the flakey -absent minded types, the ones who may have done a little too many recreational drugs in their hay days and now appear to be perpetually half in the clouds. I love them for who they are but you can not trust them, their word means nothing. Literally, the type that call you at 5:30 and tell you to meet up with them at their place to eat dinner in an hour and then when you show up at 6:30, no one is home, no one called to tell you that they decided to go out to dinner instead (true story).
They just are not capable people. They are not capable of being good friends, which i don't blame them for but it adds to the isolation.

Anyways,
This past winter when Jeff and I went on that long road trip to Florida and back, Jeff asked if one of his best friends could stay at out house to "house sit for us". I was very much against it, voiced my concerns but somehow Jeff talked me into saying okay. I did it because Jeff's friend needed a place to stay, I wanted to help him and his girlfriend out.
I was having so much anxiety about leaving CA since T had died and our very small and cozy place has become VERY sacred to me.  Especially with leaving Truman's ashes out at home, all alone while we were away. I was terrified that the house guests would break or ruin something of his that we wouldn't be able to get back.  I am already an extremely private person. If it was up to me I would never have people come over to my house unless it was family. I feel that strongly inside but i still invite friends over... I realize being so private that maybe it's not a healthy thing. But I tend to feel safer when i have a sacred place that is just my own.
This friend of ours, his aunt and uncle live here in town. His Aunt is one of my closest friends here in Hum.
Yesterday (5 months after this trip) I was at the Co-op after yoga class and i ran into Aunt. Aunt had another niece with her that i had never met yet. Aunt informed me right away that this niece had stayed at my place over winter break...... i thought she was kidding. It caught me completely off guard. But she brought it up so nonchalantly, like "Oh yeah, niece, that place you stayed at this winter, that is her place!! Nice huh??"
She wasn't kidding.
I felt the anger rise up in me and i did nothing.
I listened politely.
Once i got into the car i started thinking about how completely F'ed up that is!!!!!!!!!!!
It is just so beyond disrespectful and invasive.
Aunt knows how i feel about my personal space because she is the same exact way. She joked that, "she just kept shipping All the kids over to my place."
 I don't even want to know what "All the kids" means.
While this may not upset someone else, I am beside myself on this one. To think of a stranger sleeping in my bed, looking at my pictures of Truman, touching his stuff, touching my stuff.
I'm sure niece is a very nice person but HELL NO.
It's as simple as calling us and giving us a heads up or asking. What a crazy idea, right?
If the situations were reversed and this happened to Aunt, Aunt would FLIP.
I feel so disrespected by Aunt and said friend that they have lost my respect. I wish i could say that i am more forgiving then that but i'm not.
I protect myself just as fiercely as i would protect Truman.

and this is the reoccurring problem here in Hum.
people are thoughtless. They think everything is always not a big deal.
they don't think about how their actions effect other people.
so i end up weeding these people out of my life because they don't have respect for me and they aren't the kind of friend that i look for and it leaves me so isolated.
Grieving and isolated. With no job, no way to make a fresh start, and still finding out every day how little people give a shit
On top of the grieving, this is also suppose to be a time in my life where i am surrounded by close friends and family... celebrating my engagement. and then my wedding.
This is the most un-celebratory time of my life.
Not that i expected it to be different because Truman is always missing.
But again, it's another loss, the loss of what i always wanted for myself. I would be having a completely different experience if i wasn't here in Humboldt.
maybe that counsellor was right.... maybe i do have resentment for being here. I just don't understand how my life turned into such a shit show. and trying to constantly see the positive is becoming so incredibly exhausting.