Team Naomi

Just a little update.
(about Naomi, not about baby-loss)
She has stage 2.... which is a huge relief to us (even though this is another living nightmare)
So Naomi started a blog.
Believe me when i tell you that this girl is hilarious even in her darkest moments.
Just thought i would share in case any of my loving and insightful BLM and BLD's would want to follow her journey.
http://teamyencich.blogspot.com/

Thinking of all of you guys and especially the BLM's that are anticipating their rainbow babies this and next week. All my love.

Empathy Missing and Health Insurance

When it comes to seeing animals, babies or other innocents in pain or suffering i have more empathy then normal. So much so that i can not handle it. Hence me not being able to function in my normal profession as a Veterinary Nurse, now-a-days. Emotionally, I would be a wreck.

But i have noticed that when it comes to other women... mother's (who haven't lost children).... not so much.

it's almost like a knee jerk reaction. and it's something that i hate about myself.

My friend C is a massage therapist and she has been working on breaking up my scar tissue from my c-section. (i guess it's suppose to help with uterine health) When she works on me she says that people usually have emotional responses to her work... I haven't had any real release from it, yet.

She was telling me about her other clients who are having work done... several women traumatized from their c-sections.... one woman traumatized from her natural child birth bawling during sessions... and while i am writing this i am thinking to myself "yeah, it's hard and i can imagine it being hard for other people in different circumstances."
But my knee-jerk reaction when she is saying this stuff to me, in the moment, (internal dialogue only) is "Boo-hoo, Give me a f'ing break."
and I feel myself internally roll my eyes and get a little put off at other women feeling so sorry for themselves. With their alive children.

I wonder if this is how i will be for the rest of my life. I hope not because logically I know that I shouldn't assume anything about someone else's life.
Somewhere in between a cold hearted bitch and a weeping softy would be ideal. But nowadays when it comes to other people's pain, i seem to be either one or the other.

********

I haven't blogged about this topic because i didn't want to stir any political pot.
But it's my reality. and it effects my future as a mother.
Since Truman has died I applied for health insurance and was denied due to my pre-eclampsia.
Which obviously sent me into a panic over if we could even afford to ever try to have another child. I was depressed. I felt hopeless. I was angry.
I thought having to wait to try again because of my classical incision (have to wait for 12-18 months) was hard enough and then i was hit with this... i was not in a good place.
No one would take me and my only other option would be to get crappy health insurance through Jeff's school at about 1,800 a month.... not including any maternity coverage. It was looking bleak.
Luckily, Obama's preexisting Condition Insurance Plan allows me to have that shred of hope back... I sent in the application yesterday. hopefully no matter what happens politically that they keep this plan because people like me need it. Although from what i understand it is being reviewed by the Supreme Court and they might throw the whole thing out. Also makes me nervous for the up coming presidential election... (please please please don't take this health care away from me). I never thought that our president would actively be helping me have my second child, but he is. His work directly and dramatically is effecting my life.
Anyways, along the way I have talked to people who are against Health Care Reform.
Those who are literally telling me to my face that they don't care what my situation is (past/present/future), or anyone else's situation is. They don't like it and it's "never going to work.".................
Empathy.
Where the is their empathy?
Where is recognizing that something needs to change to help the sick people in this country? and tweaking the plan might be an okay idea instead of just throwing the whole idea out?
They look at a picture of Truman and hear our story and it means nothing to them because they haven't lived through it. Because they aren't connected to it in some way. They don't care that basically because i had really bad luck by getting pre-eclampsia that now i have to pay for it for the rest of my life.
You better not get sick in this country because it will haunt you for the rest of your life. Just because you get better doesn't mean that it goes away.
Now that Naomi is fighting lymphoma, she is another one in my immediate circle that this directly effects.
She has to continue to work a 40 hour work week while going through aggressive chemo and radiation treatments in order to keep her health insurance and have money to pay rent and eat. She can't just stop everything and go get the best possible care at a Cancer hospital... she's not rich enough for that.
And cancer is one hell of a preexisting condition.
But no one cares unless it's their family... and it's upsetting to me.

Can you imagine if our fire department and our police stations worked like our health care system works??
"My house is on fire but i don't have enough money to call a fire fighter." The whole neighborhood would be on fire.

Sorry, this turned into a rant.
But if you are still reading, you get the point. Empathy is missing lately.

*************

I never look through Jeff's phone.... like ever.
When i text or call him this picture of me pops up... a picture of me before Truman. Florida Keys me, to be precise.
I saw it today and I was blown away at how much physically and emotionally i have changed from that person.
Anyways, it made me flip through his pictures.
I found another photo that i have never seen of Truman and I got SO excited.
There were times when Jeff would go down to the NICU to spend time with him alone. This must be from one of those times.

Even though all of his pictures are pretty much the same, it still felt like present.
My precious little sweet T. <3
I love you Truman.

Phantom kicks

I still have my phantom kicks.... many today. 8 months post partum. Does anyone else still have them?
I never had these before Truman.
As strange of a phenomena it is, they make me kind of happy. it makes me think of all those precious kicks that i got out of my boy. I loved nothing more then my time with him.
Missing him always.

Another devastating blow

Another bad day in the history of the Clerc family. What a shit year this has been.
Today Jeff's sister, Naomi, was diagnosed with Diffused B Cell Lymphoma. She is 29 years old.
We found out because they looked into a tumor that had developed in the bone of her leg that had been giving her pain.
I wasn't shocked because what we were hearing from the doctors were the same basic "positive" smooth over statements that they tell people. (just like they did with us and Truman)
I know that they don't want you to worry until there is scientific proof that you should worry but hell.... sometimes i feel like if you aren't flat lining they have a smile on their face telling you everything is going to be fine.
but they don't know that.
I don't think they realize that maybe some people find comfort in reality (me).... the reality that anything can happen to any of us at any time.
sugar coating the possibilities only delays the processing.
and for me it heightens the anger. heightens the absolute shock.
The stupid doctor told them that he still didn't think it was cancer when he went in for the biopsy.
It's like well thank you for your very bad guess there buddy...
when the entire time i was thinking, i don't think that i have ever heard of a tumor in a bone that is not something to be concerned about.

I think we are all going through our own way of grieving this and dealing with this....

it is a loss.... the loss of health is still a loss.

No one wants to face something like this. Ever.

So now we are here, with this news and we are scared for what lays a head.
and worried.
and very sad.
and very far away from her physically which is hard on Jeff and I. (she is in Tennessee)

why does this crap always happen to the least deserving of people?
and it doesn't matter.
None of it matters.
you can be the happiest, most positive, giving and loving person in the world and something like this can happen to you.
Where is the justice in that?
There most definitely is none.
this is not fair.

Naomi and i have been very close since were 15 years old. I am looking forward to having her officially being my sister in September even though she has been a sister in my heart for a very long time.

2007?

us when we were 16?... don't mind the collage paint

2010

Jan 2012

FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2012

I ran into the store to grab some paper towels and toilet paper and stopped in the Easter aisle to pick up my favorite... The carmel cadbury eggs.
I was waiting in line patiently with eggs on top of my paper towels which was stacked onto of thetoilet paper.
A very friendly and happy man stepped in line beside me and said, "Do you need a hand with those eggs? Are you a Mom? You must be a Mom knowing how to juggle all of that..."
I felt the weight of the huge jumbo pack of toilet paper in my arms. I felt panicked for some reason.
I just stared at him.
If he even knew the half of it.
I finally muttered, "Yeah, i am a Mom..... kind of."
and the thoughts raced through my mind so fast that the entire checkout process and walk out to the car were a blur gone from my consciousness.
I am a mother, with arms full of toilet paper instead of Truman.
I am a mother who juggles living life after the death of Truman.
I am a mother who when asked if she is a mother, feels like i have been hit with a baseball bat and then stares off deep in thought with a flushed face (and probably looks totally insane or sick to my stomach while doing so).

As soon as i got back home, the tears came.

Yesterday was a year since when we publicly announced that Truman was coming.
What an exciting and happy time it was a year ago.
Crazy how quickly everything can change.

Tru Love and star finger kisses

Jeff and I have known each other for a very long time.

In fact, we met when my Dad started dating his Mom for a short time when Jeff was 12 and I was 15.  It's so funny to think that i probably would never have known Jeff well if it wasn't for our parents. When i tell people this, some people tend to crunch their nose acting like Jeff and I were almost step siblings.... but this just is not the case at all. Our families hung out, that was about as weird as it got.
We did things together and had the best times. After our parents decided that they didn't really want to hang out with each other anymore we kept in touch until college. We sort of drifted a bit for a few years.

When I moved back to my home town after some college in Pittsburgh and Buffalo, I went to a community college for a few classes and saw Jeff there at the orientation. If you know me well, you know that i have a pretty weird memory. I don't remember much but I have these moments where I intuitively know something big is happening and those are the moments that i will remember. Like a memory switch flips on during the pivotal moments in my life. The rest is just a messy watercolor painting of general happenings. Anyways.
I remember seeing him and feeling like it was... something.
Which now i know was a new beginning.
and i was curious and interested because it was not the Jeff that I remembered from years ago.
We talked, we laughed we caught up. From then on we all started hanging out as close friends.
I was in a relationship at the time myself but things we not very happy anymore. I didn't realize how unhappy I really was until I surrounded myself with new, genuinely happy people.
My new circle of friends with Jeff was changing me for the better.

Within the circle is Jeff's ex-girlfriend, Jacquie. Jacquie was Jeff's first girlfriend but since they were so young and shared so many friends, after they broke up it was very natural to still hang out with each other and not have it be weird. She became one of my best friends.
One night, she told me that she always thought that Jeff was in love with me through out those younger years and high school when they were dating. I was like "no way, jose! We all just love each other so much as friends, Jeff would never think of me like that!"
Jeff has always been a musician and Jacquie confessed that when he would play his love songs with his band that she always felt like the songs were written about me. I was flattered but still didn't believe it.

Time went on and I broke up with my boyfriend at the time and a few months later Jeff broke up with his girlfriend at the time.
As we hung out more, my view on Jeff slowly started to change. One night, he kissed me and I knew I had never been kissed like that before. We spent the next week completely hiding away from the rest of the world. I was swept off my feet. The rest is history.

After we started officially dating I would hear sweet things from his friends confessing and confirming what Jacquie had said- that Jeff has always loved me, ever since he was 12 years old. I loved it but i thought it was just them being sweet and trying to make me feel good.

Tonight we got out of the car and we stopped to look up at the huge night sky that was full with so may stars. I watched him as he kissed his finger and stared up into the night sky. Jeff is not a religious person but he has always been a little superstitious about certain things. I hugged him and he told me that ever since he was 12 years old that he has been doing that- looking up at the stars, kissing his finger, and thinking of me. and now he does it for Truman.

This was the first real self-confession on his part that yes, he has always loved me, since he was 12. He always purely loved me and wanted me, even when I didn't know it, when I refused to believe it, when I started to accept it, when I learned to love it and when I figured out that I couldn't live without it. It was such an amazing feeling... feeling that. I am constantly blown away by how sweet he is.
Now he kisses his finger for the our boy, the one he will always want and always wanted and longs for with me.
I just feel so grateful for Jeff.
I may have horrible luck at times in my life but I seriously lucked out with him loving me the way he does.

We have had a lot of bad days in this past year. Truman should be in our arms and no where else. We have come so far in our grief though. We have moments where we are a family, separated physically but not really, somehow..... We were together tonight in the driveway. I don't know if there is an after life but i hope with every inch of me that my boy felt his parents love tonight. Because i did. It was there, all of our love, including Truman's.
Unfortunately, these are the only family moments that we will be able to experience in this lifetime.
So this is me scrap booking that family moment in time. It is cherished.

Us... little. in 1999... crazy.

Jeff shaved

My future husband shaved off his beard yesterday for the first time in about 4 years.
I joke that whenever he does this that i get super excited because it's like I have another boyfriend ;P
But this time, his face, his gorgeous, clean shaven face- made my heart swell up with so much love and... missing.
It's the first time i've seen his naked face since Truman died. I know that Truman definitely took after his looks but now, I see so much of Truman in his face in a whole new way.

It has sent me missing, longing and yearning. Missing the man that Truman would have grown to be. Jeff is such a character, full of laughter, and i am missing the smiling and goofy baby that i know Truman would have been. and Truman as a teenager. My boy- his life only plays out now in my imagination. I wonder what his wife (or husband) would have been like, his kids (if any). Who would those people be that would call out his name with love? What would have his friends been like? Would he have loved to sing like his Dad's side of the family? I am missing the funny stories that he would tell me when he would come home from school. The family trips and adventures. Missing the knowing him at the different stages in his life.

and what do i have to show for the huge love that is our family? That is father and son - mother and son- parents and child? It got me thinking about consolation prizes. I'm sure that weighted teddy bear has brought many bereaved parents some comfort but I think it's just a shitty consolation prize. Your baby died so here is this ugly heavy bear! You can never touch your son's kicking feet again so here are some imprints of his feet. Even pictures seem to mock my feelings. Time has passed. Our family picture- that one horribly lit and poorly taken photo that day Truman was born. I love photos, they have been a huge part of my life- forever. and now all I have is that shitty ass picture to remember? (It's more then many parents have.)
and back then, in the beginning of the grief, I was grasping at all of these shitty ass consolation prizes. Desperate for any way to hold on to him. Funny how I collected all these material items, things that would make me still feel connected to him when losing him hit home so hard that love and the people in your life are the only things that truly matter- not material items. Makes me understand hoarding tendencies that much more. If i could collect everything that ever said his name, typed, written or printed on it, I would.

and i battle back and forth with wanting everyone in the world to know exactly how hard it is to parent a dead child and then thankful that they don't have a clue.
A reoccurring issue with me.... the seriousness of which people do *not* get this. They discuss issues like Beyonce's baby hospital drama or women's reproductive choices in families that they know nothing about (past, present or future) or The Duggar's loss or any of these similar topics. Some have kids some don't. and i just feel like they are all so fucking clueless. Shamefully (or righteously?... both) clueless. I wish i was one of them, holding Truman on my lap, bitching about other people's lives that i have absolutely no clue about.

I guess i'm just having a rough day.

Therapy

Jeff and I went to therapy for the first time last week.
Honestly i think it was a big waste of time. The therapist was very nice/professional but he is not a baby loss survivor. It just wasn't much help at all to talk with him.
Jeff and I haven't been to therapy at all since Truman died and we figured we might try it just to check in with our grief and get some feedback and maybe some pre-marital advice.
Considering everything, we agreed that we are doing amazing. We are very good at communicating with each other. I guess i just wanted some reassurance from each other and a mental health professional that we are doing great and on the right track. But we definitely didn't get that. To me it just felt like we were paying someone to quietly judge us, pick everything that we said apart and drudge things up that aren't really issues. I can't figure out if he was almost creating issues so that we would pay to go back to him for more counseling or if he was really onto something. ?
At one point he told me that he can't imagine that there isn't any resentment from me towards Jeff for him being busy with school. I was almost offended. It felt more like psychological warfare instead of just checking in with each other's grief and emotions.
My anxiety has been pretty good lately. But after that session I was so anxiety ridden for the rest of the evening. I felt way worse then i did before i went there! Which to me seems unhealthy.
We have a follow up this Tuesday and I'm really wanting to cancel the appointment. I'm debating on whether to give it one more shot or not. My gut says that we just shouldn't even bother.

If i ever pursue therapy in the future, it is definitely going to have to be with someone who has either experienced child loss or specializes in it. I have lost my friends, my cousins, my grandparents, my mother... all of which were huge losses.... but this loss is just so far beyond any other loss (in my opinion and experience).  I get way more therapy out of reading your blogs or talking with some of my other child loss friends. We truly live in an alternate plane of existence with the struggles that we face... metaphorically, it's like I woke up in a new life, a nightmare, speaking in a different language and seeing colors that I've never seen before. I can still remember my mother tongue but clear -as-day those natives have a hard time translating/understanding my new way of speaking and just can't see colors that they've never seen before. I can only talk in depth about the colors with the people who have seen it for themselves.

I'm grateful that i have this space to come and connect with you guys. People who get me and what i'm going through (.... unfortunately get what i am going through). Even though i haven't typed much at all lately, this place is such a comfort to me.
I don't need to tell you how isolating and lonely it is in the real world, among non-child loss people.
So i just wanted to stop and say thank you guys for reading and responding to my posts. and for laying out your own feelings and experiences for me to read and learn and heal from.
You guys help me heal and my heart swells when i think about how grateful that i am for you.

Wedding Planning

I need some advice from you guys about my wedding.
We are involving Truman in the ceremony and then again after dinner by releasing flying Chinese wish lanterns as a tribute and a way to include him.
I have a charm with his picture that will be attached to my bouquet.
For the ceremony we are going to have a candle with a picture of him on it and Jeff and i will light it together to symbolize the unity of our family, no matter where any of us are- in life or death.
I am not sure how to word him into the ceremony though.
Also i am looking to see if anyone else has ideas (little or big) on ways to incorporate him into our day.

This is most definitely a celebration, not a memorial, so maybe what i am doing is enough?

I don't know. I guess it will just never feel like enough.