how something bad ended up good

On tuesday i started bleeding, again.
I didn't panic.
not because it isn't terrifying but because i have relinquished control. or have been living in the realm of serious possibilities for so long now... that i am a little emotionally detached in some ways. maybe it's a defense mechanism. probably.
i left work, went to bed and by the next day it was gone.

last night the bleeding came back.
it was enough for me to stop and think, huh- twice in one week?
this is starting to seem like a placental issue.
so i called the doctor's line and got the on-call nurse.
and as you all know if you regularly read my posts... the call was pointless because they are inept here.
She was very sweet and meant well, but told me that i could just "relax" and "send positive vibes and love to the baby" or i could go to the hospital.
I pulled the phone away from my mouth and laughed when she said it in her overly caring and zened out tone.
If ONLY sending love to baby would save it. It would fix all of our problems.

Within an hour the blood had progressed to bright red and an amount enough to make me think yes, Houston we are having a problem. Placenta or miscarriage.

I am 12 weeks. 4 days.
Around this time with Truman i had a similar episode although it was different in small ways. I had a low lying placenta with him in the beginning too.

We got to ER which is perhaps the nicest building that i have ever stepped foot in all of Eureka. I felt like i was transported back to the real world... but that didn't last long. It's a friday night in Eureka in the ER... we were surrounded by paranoid drug addicts and mentally ill people. Why isn't someone video taping my entire life? Fiction can not compare. Luckily i triaged right in.

No one, not one of the 6 nurses that i repeated our story to, not the NP, i'm pretty sure not even the ER doctor knew what little c antibody was when they were asking about my blood type.
We were literally educating our care providers at the hospital, awesome.

They put in an IV line and started fluids.
Ran a urine and took some blood.

Our nurse was detached... not in a normal hospital way but in a "this is fun! everything you are saying is great news" type of way. Even though she was totally aware of our history.
She brought in the fetal doppler after proclaiming that she hasn't really used one and literally said "let's play!"
Jeff and I shot each other a look and took a deep breath. Let's not play, because this might be the most not-fun game you've ever wanted to play lady.
I don't think she really thought through how it might make parents feel if she couldn't find the heartbeat.

Of course, Ms. Fun&Games spent about 10 mins trying to find our baby's heartbeat with no luck. Just silence.
I think most people at this point would have flipped the fuck out.
But we didn't.
We recognized that this nurse, at no fault of her own, was ignorant and not capable of truly helping us on any level. and maybe we also just feel pretty defeated constantly since Truman died.
She left the room and Jeff and I waited patiently for the ultrasound tech.

Once the ultrasound tech got there we realize that she was Ms.RuleBook.
She told us that she would not give us a picture of the baby and that we were not allowed to take pictures of the screen. In my head i was thinking screw you lady but i knew that she was coming from somewhere with all these strict rules.
She told us that she can not answer any of our questions, that the doctor will have to do that.

The baby came up on the screen and at first wasn't moving and she wasn't picking up a heart beat.
That's when i started to think, okay this might really be it.
After i sort of let her know out loud that i wasn't seeing a heart rate reading she told me that she had picked one up in the 160's.
At that moment the relief i felt is indescribable.
The baby started moving around and Jeff and I were truly overcome with love and joy for the first time this entire pregnancy without any hesitation.
In that moment, we were together, the 4 of us and we were happy. Really happy.
The baby is SO beautiful and sweet and i really hope that i get more time with it.
It was just this really amazing moment where we were all in sync and realized, any of us could die in a min from now, a day from now, a week from now, whatever... and that will never not be the case. But we just held onto the moment and loved it so much for what it was. and it felt free. it felt strong. it felt amazing.

The tech picked up on our overwhelming joy and loosened up on her strict rules, she spent the next 15 mins just playing, looking at the baby from different angles and just letting us ENJOY the moment. It was by far the best sonogram that i have ever had done. Because it helped me emotionally and she didn't rush. We had time with the baby. and it finally made it real for us in ways that it just wasn't before.

At the end she quietly found it's little profile and printed a picture. She handed it to me and said "I'm not suppose to do this but i know i would have been driving home kicking myself for not just giving one to you. I know how hard it can be, I had fertility problems when trying for my daughter and then she almost died at birth. Just don't tell anyone that you got it from me."

The baby looks very much like Truman. Jeff thinks it looks like a girl. I have no idea.

The doctor came in later and said that i have a low lying placenta and that he doesn't know if that's the cause but if could be. Thanks for the help, bud. We have more first hand experience then this ER doctor so i just will pass the info on to UCSF. The bleeding has slowed but hasn't stopped.

But we walked in worried that we are miscarrying (for the second time this pregnancy) and walked out knowing that no matter what happens we had this beautiful moment that made our heart swell up with love and joy and those are the moments worth living for no matter what happens. I will never ever forget it. We love Truman's sibling, our sweet little rainbow. stay with us little one, please please please, stay with us.