The words almost pushed me off my feet.
I have been having a rough past few days, with the year mark closing in, i feel confused, disoriented and grief stricken in that silent and wordless way.
I am a fake.
I fake happiness and okay-ness all day long, every single day with almost every single encounter that i have. It makes life here very superficial on a day to day basis, but no complaints... maybe all my customers are faking it too. You never know.
As soon as my customer confessed such horrible news, i mumbled out "my baby died too."
Next thing I know we are comforting each other as I listen to her story about her son who was born stillborn because she was overdue and no one would take her seriously enough to run a stress test on them. Unbelievable the shit that goes on. and i mean SHIT. Are you kidding me? Like how does this even happen? No one deserves this.
Her friend is down at UCSF too... her baby died because of an amniocentesis situation, her fluids weren't bouncing back and her son died.
She texted her friend while we talked that her breasts were sore and all she wants is him back.
Her statement sent me back to UCSF and the blur of it all. The pain. the confusion. it's so completely disorienting and it changes the course of your entire life.
I gave her 2 of my Humboldt Faces of Loss cards and told her to contact me whenever, that i'd love to get together with her and her friend. We spoke briefly about how the first few months after are just such a time on hiding and isolation, we both agreed that that was our experience at least.
Then her other friend came in and opened up that she had had two miscarriages.
Talking with them made me re-realize that SO many parents experience the pain that we know and live with. Everyone's story is different and sucks in their own intense ways.
****************
This in between state of being.... a mother with no child here..... is exhausting. I want to try to have another baby as soon as possible but there is just SO much more to think about now.
Not just their life, but mine... will i survive?
Will I get pre-eclampsia?
If so how bad?
What if i end up with permanent damage to my organs or worse, brain?
What if the baby lives but is sick or special needs?
Can we go through nerve wracking surgeries?
How can we afford that?
What if the baby dies like Truman did?
Can i go through losing another child?
I'm not sure that i can mentally or emotionally handle that.
What if the child lives and then dies at like 25? or 35? or 45?
Can i handle any of this?
Can anyone else really handle it either?
Or does everyone just throw themselves to the wind and hope for the best?
What if i try to get pregnant and can't?
What if Truman is the only child that we ever have?
How would I handle that?
Trying means having to face SO many of these questions.
I'm putting these questions on hold.
Jeff will be applying to UC Davis. That is step one.
If he gets in then I can start to face some of these questions because i will be close enough to doctors who can take me.
Oh, Laura, the list of your worries rang every bell that goes through my mind almost every day. What if what if what if, wanting to get pregnant, but sooo worried about all of the possibilities - everything that can possibly go wrong. What happened to the days of getting pregnant and having a healthy, happy baby?
ReplyDeleteI miss my innocence.
<3
you hit the nail on the head there, Suzanne. the innocence is gone.
Deletei miss mine too.
and my baby.
xoxo
I thought of these questions... They scare me. I think for me it came to a point where the desire and hope I had for a baby outweighed the fears of the things I can not control. Trying to get pregnant was so hard.. The wait to try, the what if I don't get pregnant while trying... It only took 3 months for us once we started... It felt like FOREVER. We had never "tried before". All the what ifs ... Most of them outside the realm of control, and yet I wanted it more than what I was afraid of.
ReplyDeleteI am sad to hear of your co-workers loss and her friends as well. I sometimes think that once this tragedy befalls you, You become a vortex of death. We think and worry about, you see it more, feel it more, hear about it more. It was there before, why didn't I hear of it then?
Sending a giant hug.
You are totally right about the vortex, Renel, that is kind of what happened.
Delete4 of us in one room talking about someone who is experiencing the loss right now as we speak. It was so intense. I was like sweating and shaking. It just made me really see the whole "1 in 4" thing. I can not believe that women just quietly walk around this world holding this pain where here i am so loud about it all. i feel like a flailing banshee constantly screaming and crying over how upset i am and how much i hurt and long for him.
Where were all these women? I just didn't have the right perspective on to see them i guess. :/
I have been making wishes for you, Kai, Camille and little one. I hope you are doing okay. Wondering how you are feeling lately?
hugs momma <3
I hear an echo in those questions because I've asked many of them myself. I agree with Suzanne... I miss my innocence. Every time I hear of someone announcing a pregnancy, I begin to worry for them. I'm sending a virtual hug your way and a reminder that you are not alone. There are many of us who are nodding our heads right along with you, as you express your fears and thoughts, because we understand it all too well.
ReplyDeleteThank you Crystal! I wish none of us had to understand this. <3
DeleteHi, love,
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry you've been struggling. My heart aches so badly for you and Jeff.
I know exactly how it feels to have all of those questions swirling around all the time--it's confusing and scary and damned unfair.
You wrote you feel fake, putting on a certain face to get through your working day, but you seriously are one of the most genuine people I've ever met. I wish I lived nearby so I could sit with you, make you tea, hold your hand. If you ever feel the need to talk, please know that you can call me any time.
Thinking of you and sweet Truman, and sending big time LOVE.
xoxoxo
MM!
DeleteYou and Molly have been on my mind all day today, heavy.
I was shopping and i saw a "T" type-writer key necklace. :)
I so wish that we could hang out all of the time! I would love that.
You can call me anytime too, I'm always here for you lovey!
(You should at least text me a pic if you get your new screen door ;P lol)
xoxoxo
In my before life, I remember hearing about a mother who had lost her 13 day old baby. It sent a shudder down my spine and I felt absolutely heartbroken for her. Now, however, when I hear of anyone else whose baby has died, I literally feel like I will collapse... because I know the pain, the suffering, the true awfulness... I get covered with goosebumps and I feel light headed. It's awful to have the knowledge of what they are going through.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you will be a brilliant support for that poor woman and her friends.
As for your potential future pregnancy - I just feel quite angry for you... You've suffered enough - where is your free ride? You deserve a speedy conception, a happy, healthy, straightforward pregnancy, and a bit of headspace free from anxiety.
It's not fair that it all has to be this hard. I wish it could be different.