I am basically a basket case.
I truly never expected to take it this hard and my grief surprises me over and over again.
I guess on some level, in my own mind, i think that i am a lot tougher then i really am. I think that i will just sail through things when in fact that is usually not the case at all.
I remember right after Truman died, going to my doctor and asking "So how long to you think that i will feel like this? Like 3-4 months?"
She just kind of stared at me shocked. and i'm finding out how absolutely delusional that question was. This is an on-going, evolving, complex grief. and it never fails to knock me off my feet no matter how much i think i have my shit together. I can pretend all i want, but really, i'm a mess most of the time.
It's exhausting even trying as hard as i do. I try a lot. More then anyone will ever be able to see.
At any given time I'm likely to change with the tides and be at the whims of whatever this grief wants me to do. Which feels very strange and out of control. But losing T has definitely taught me that we are not all in control as much as we would like to think that we are.
This week I have just been annoyed at anything and everything. I'm guessing that this is part of the anger phase of grief? It's been hard on me. I hate feeling like this and it's perpetuated a lot of self hate/guilt that i am such a miserable bitchy annoyed mess.
I'll be doing okay for a little bit, then something small will annoy me then it snowballs, the anxiety builds, i'm pissy, then BAM! a vivid memory hits me, and i'm a crying weeping mess. Or BAM! I remember kindness from a dear friend (Julie) during the whole ordeal and I'm overwhelmed with love and gratitude sobbing hysterically. or BAM! I remember his sweet little hands gripping my finger or his foot brushing and kicking against my hands and I am crying out of guilt and longing, because i miss him and that i got so much more time with him then so many mother's get.
It's a straight up shitshow. I am all over the place, every day.
I am confused a lot.
My memories of a year ago bubble up and i am left disoriented that this even really happened at all. The tangible proof is still the same but somehow i am always surprised that this really happened to us, to him, and this is forever a part of us and our story. The memories are so messed up and traumatic and they shouldn't even exist. He is what should exist. The pain is starting to seep out in the strangest of ways.
Today Jeff and I were brave. After my morning freak out of extreme levels of high anxiety and tears we decided to go through some things.
We pulled out Truman's clothes.
His red shoes.
The pregnancy shirts and pants.
Just going through his stuff helped in some way. Just to move it around and circulate it through the house. Especially together.
I heard Jeff say things like, "I love this shirt, we have to save that for the next pregnancy." and "This onesie is so ridiculously cute" while holding it up to admire the thought of Truman in it.
He should have worn those clothes and outgrown them by now. But instead they are tokens of our love for him little treasures to pull out and imagine all the snuggly sweet times that he should have been here, filling his own shoes.
Today a year ago was Truman's "almost birthday". the night that they rushed in screaming ER c-section because his heart rate dropped, the night that Dr. Rowan snapped cased on me, the night I called my Dad and Jeff in at 3am and then false alarm but just in case they starved me and wouldn't let me drink anything for like 18 hours and did not let me sleep. I was SO thirsty. upset. stressed. Jeff and my Dad slept on a cot in my room waiting for the ER c-section decision. It was the day that i broke down and put my foot down. Hospital life had begun to really wear on me. No more magnesium sulfate burning through my veins. Now more ER c-section talk. i made it pretty clear that it felt like torture and i was getting very tired. It was definitely the most intense day at the hospital before he born. I got out of bed and pulled the date off of the calendar and wrote "your almost birthday" on it for the baby book. A memory that i was sure that i would look back on and tell him about someday. The hell that we went through to bring him home. But we never got to.
Now it just sits in his baby box on the shelf with his elephant, waiting for a purpose or something.
As the wedding approaches, i am feeling less and less bride-ish and more and more deep dark depression-ish.
I just can not imagine celebrating our life together right now while missing him so much and feeling this heavy sadness. I don't even like life lately let alone feel like celebrating it. I have dreamt about my wedding day for SO long and waited SO long to have this special day with Jeff but i wonder if we will actually be able to truly enjoy anything in our lives without Truman here. Maybe i will end up with the world's most depressing wedding. Lol - it really wouldn't surprise me.
I saw something on facebook that made me laugh.
"I'm worried that my guardian angel is a crack head", it made me laugh out loud and scroll through all of the craziness that has happened to me in my 29 years. Not just the sad and tragic stuff but the ridiculous stuff too. Like my one co-worker (40 something yr old woman) who bit me at work once when i was about 19 years old. yes, she was a human being who put her mouth on my flesh and bit down leaving teeth marks-- in front of my boss--- and everyone went on with their day like it was nothing. when i spoke up later saying that i'd prefer if she never put her mouth on me again because it was kind of messed up, everyone ended up treating me like I'm that overly sensitive girl who is weird about being touched and would apologize profusely if they bumped into me or accidentally brushed by me, lol. Um, yeah, hello crackheads. It was all beyond bizarre. You can't make this stuff up.
It's just my life.
maybe it's everyone's? ........
i dunno.
The thing about grief is that it's never the same, and you never know what to expect. I hate how that makes an already excruciating time even more painful.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds crazy, but I hope you are able to find some peace soon, even if it's only for a few short minutes.
By the way, I would have knocked the teeth out of any person that dug them into my skin like your coworker did.
I remember feeling this exact same way as the one year mark approached. I think it's totally to be expected. You are reliving all those moments as they happened in a way and that can bring up those very early raw moments of grief. I'll be keeping you, Jeff, and Truman close to my heart. Thinking of you always!
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this all I could think is... Of course she feels this way... It's coming up on the anniversary of truman's death. The whole month of June I was a disaster. The week before camilles birthday I was a meltdown mess. I didn't think it would be like that. About being strong. If anything will break a person, it's the death of their child. I totally believe in celebrating the things I am thankful for but it does not mean I am any less sad. Like I could celebrate Kais birthday but not mine or daryls really. I guess I'm just glad you and jeff have eachother. That's something to be thankful for even though life seems shitty. At least it's shitty together. Sigh. It is so hard this life without our child but we just keep going. I hope things lift a little after the first week of august. I was where you were last month. I don't miss her any less but the anxiety has lessened around the upcoming birthday. Your gaurdian angel and mine must smoke crack together.
ReplyDelete"Grief does not follow a time schedule. It does not punch in a time clock for noting its beginning or ending. Neither does it have respect for our agenda. It comes and goes as it pleases and does not ask permission for its unexpected arrival or departure. It does not provide clues as to when it will visit or how long it plans to stay as our uninvited guest. Grief is rude and intrusive and brings its luggage of pain and sorrow, misery and despair. Grief is a teaser for just when we think we have survived its malicious assault; it sneaks upon us once again. It is unrelenting in its pursuit."
ReplyDeleteby RevLady
Nathan's 1st birthday was the 21st and it surprised me, the range of emotions that I went through that week. I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
I endured a lot as a nurse--I was bitten and punched, kicked, spit on, etc, etc--but never by a fellow employee. And that it was tolerated, and you were seen as the strange one--what??? That's weird. Biting someone is *assault*.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you and Truman a lot, dear one, and my heart is hurting for you. I understand about you not feeling very celebratory--and I just had a thought. I promise this isn't me going into "fix-it" mode or something....I'm just thinking of how stressful planning a wedding was, and that was before we lost Molly.
I know there's a huge expectation around it being a celebration; and typically, people regard weddings as happy things. What if the expectation to be happy was taken away? What if the only expectation was for the wedding to be a demonstration and declaration of love and commitment between you and Jeff? And how Truman is a very important part of your bond as a couple.
Ultimately, regardless of the participation of family and friends, the day is about you and Jeff and Truman, and if it ends up being a serious affair, that's really okay.
I hope I'm not coming across as bossy or like I'm trying to tell you how to feel. Never, ever would I want to convey that. I simply wish to let you know that you can give yourself permission to relax expectations.
You and Jeff were so, so brave to go through Truman's baby stuff. How heartbreaking and how very bittersweet. I wish he was here, to fill and outgrow onesies and shoes, to snuggle and to play. Sometimes I think of us living out our lives in an alternate universe, with our babies.
Much love to you, dear friend. xoxoxo
When you described going through Truman's onsies it brought tears to my eyes. The image of you and Jeff and a bunch of never-worn-onsies... It's so so sad. I'm so sorry that your time with Truman was cut so short.
ReplyDeleteAs for the wedding... it must be hard to feel the pressure to be happy and joyous. All I'll say is - this is your special day with Jeff - do it the way YOU want to do it and don't let everyone else pressure you into doing it in a way that suits them best. I know you'd written before about wanting to include Truman as much as possible. I say do it. Who cares if some people feel a little uncomfortable. It's your wedding, and it's ok to miss Truman and be sad. I think it will make the vows have more resonance - you two have been through so much. You have a remarkably strong, solid, relationship. Magazines like to publish images of happy, smiley, airy-fairy, floaty, romantic wedding days - that's not love. It's easy to love each other on happy, sunny days. Love is seeing each other through the hard parts - the crappy days, holding hands through the most unimaginable circumstances and devastating grief. You two have stuck together through the worst - that's true love.
p.s. I think my guardian angel hangs out with yours...
I loved reading about your time with Truman, too. I can only imagine how precious those memories are. I think about my time with Nathaniel while he was alive - his time inside of me, those minutes we had after he was born and before he died. I try to remember what I felt and what I thought the first time that I saw his face. I miss him so much.
ReplyDeleteThe grief is so intense for me, too, around the year mark. The confusion. The crazies. Getting hit sideways by memories and the heaviness of grief.
My thoughts are with you these days. I love what Missing Molly said about living in an alternate universe with our babies. I love to think about all of us sitting around drinking tea and chatting in another world while our babies are playing.
xoxo
Just checking in Laura. I've just been looking at Truman's photographs, he was such a lovely baby. I'm just so deeply sorry and I'm thinking of you and Jeff today and through these 'inbetween' days ahead.
ReplyDeleteI was also surprised by how much the first anniversary knocked me down when I didn't think it would. The memories seem to rise closer to the surface.
I hope that you find a way forward with the wedding that you and Jeff feel is right. For what it is worth I can't imagine you ending up with the world's most depressing wedding. Because there is SO much love here. Even from a distance I feel it, the love within your family, you, Jeff and Truman. Surely it can only be a celebration. Even if it is not the one that we would all wish for you, one that involved snuggly sweet times with your son, wearing his red shoes. I think he will still be there though. Even if it isn't in person.
And I am absolutely gobsmacked that somebody BIT you. How? WHY? Why on earth would an adult bite a young woman? I know 19 is a full grown adult but it feels like she attacked someone much more vulnerable. That is beyond bizarre. Wish that Nika had been there to defend you, sounds like she could have used a good kick in the teeth.
Oh Laura, what a long and silly ramble. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you so much. Such a difficult, difficult time.