At Random Visits.

I had an amazing day on thursday. I got to hang out with Josh, Kari, Stella, Margot and Leo that were here in town for a visit. It is SO awesome to sit with someone from the blog world and just chat. Just in case you are all wondering, they are just as cool if not cooler as their blog makes them out to be. Very awesome folks, awesome personalities, comforting presences to be around. I feel so lucky to have met them and get to know them even more. It was healing for me and fun.
I guess that is one of the benefits of living up here on the Lost coast, all my Cali baby loss bloggers travel up here to vacation and i reap the benefits.
The long lunch left me feeling so grateful for all of you guys. Don't know where i would be in this grief without you.

*****

My Dad is starting to grieve the loss of Truman more now that the year mark is here. 

It's funny how everyone reacts differently with grief.

I should have known because he was similar in his patterns when his parents died.

He has been talking more about Truman and everything that happened lately to me.

He has expressed that looking back now, he realizes that he was just in so much shock. Now that the shock is wearing away there is sadness.

I appreciate that he fills me in on his thoughts and emotions. It was a loss for him too. One that almost cost him his daughter, too.

As the days creep closer all I wish is that August 4th meant nothing to me, that it was just any other random day of the year, that he was still here.

We sold a painting this week at work... I glanced at it's name, which was August 4. That's when the wish hit me, I am so attached now to this day, the worst day of my life. 8/4/11. fuck.

*****

My friends Nate and Kayla live in Redding. They use to live here and travel back here quite often. They have a little girl named Rylee who is about 40 days older then Truman.

Kayla has been extremely supportive since Truman died. She has written and called and sent thoughtful gifts and really gone the extra mile to be there for me.

They came to town this week and asked me to be their daughter's "god-mother". Not in the religious sense, just in the sense that i will be a special woman figure in her life. I was honored and touched to me asked. 

There were some complicated emotions at play that i'm not really sure how to write about. 

It was the feeling of honor and pride and also deep missing of Truman and my other god-daughter, Coura, and wishing that she was still a huge part of my life. I hate that losing Truman has changed so many things. It changed my relationship with Coura and her mom and i hate it but it's not something that i know how to change, at all. I'm having a hard time accepting that i will know these children better then i know my own son. I'll have more time with them. and it's just not fair. it fucking hurts my heart.

Either way though i feel honored and proud to have a second god-daughter, Rylee. She is a cute bundle of feistiness, a little firecracker.