Tru Love.

I was hired for the job that started on mother's day.
Mother's Day itself went pretty well. I was busy and had my mask on and by the end of the day, it felt like any other day of missing Truman and my mom.
I was touched by friends thinking of me who wrote me lovely facebook messages and text messages and phone calls. I felt that Truman was remembered and loved.
As far as that horrible day goes, mine went way better then expected. The day itself was not what i ever wanted for myself, but it's what i have, and compared to all of the other day's of the year that i miss him and her... it felt like any other day.

The job has been just what i needed.
My first day i worked with a really nice woman, Sarah. She was hilarious. She asked me what i do, besides work, and I went through the list. Once I got to explaining how i am a licensed Veterinary Technician who really needed a break from the life and death of it all she said, "Oh yeah, people in the Vet field are like number 2 on the suicide watch list for professionals most likely to kill themselves." I burst out laughing and agreed, it's a heavy job without death being so close to home as it is with us (which i didn't bother explaining to her).

Today a nurse came in. She is in town for a while to teach other nurses. As i listened to her "it must be fate" story about the how's and why's that she landed here in town, I felt what i call "the familiar's".
Sometimes throughout my life i meet someone who I find their soul to feel familiar. Whether it's because of personality or similar experiences. I can just feel this sort of instant connection.
Her presence jogged my memory and i thought of Elspeth and all the other nurses (both good and bad) who helped me while i was in the hospital with Truman. Specifically the last nurse i talked to there, the one that told me that it was completely normal to feel panicked to be packing up my room and getting ready to leave without my baby. my mind flashed back to myself sitting on the edge of the bed, getting ready to take each scary and desperately sad step out of the hospital without my son- thrown into the whirling and buzzing city that never knew the difference- but i did.
I caught myself from continuing the thought. Her energy, her obvious compassion, made miss that horrible time in my life, just because then was closer to Truman then now is.

Many people told me not to tell my boss or co-workers about Truman. Because it's business vs. personal life and there is no reason they need to know. But in my heart, i know that if i am to succeed in an environment, i need people to know what has happened. I need to be able to be myself and he is a huge part of myself. I made the decision to tell my boss because we work closely together all day- and I'm glad that i did.
Today, i spotted a Father's Day card. It was simple, a big seahorse and a tiny seahorse holding tails. Perfect. Especially for us biology freaks (male seahorses carry their baby's). Inside simply said 'happy father's day'. there is nothing particularly happy about mother's or father's day any more, but the card was cute enough that it made me excited to give it to Jeff. I closed the card and said out loud, "I need to get this card for Jeff for Father's day." I caught a moment of surprise in my bosses body language, which disappeared quickly, I'm guessing as scanned her mind to recall if i had children and then she remembered what i had told her. and she easily responded, "Isn't that cute? I love that card."
Normal. That is what i needed. I can openly express myself without having to think before every single word comes out of my mouth. I can mention Truman casually and just say what comes naturally.
and no awkwardness.
Just reality.
Truman died.
Fuck.
It hurts my heart that i am still writing that and somehow the reality hasn't changed.
But even though people can't see that we have a son and we can't brag about his newest achievements to co-workers and customers- he is a part of our lives. I can't imagine having to go about my life pretending that that isn't the case.

I'm not sure if i ever wrote about Jeff being a builder before but he builds custom bookshelves, furniture and such. He was inspired to build a new urn for Truman this summer and now building custom urns is becoming part of his thing. I'll post pictures of Truman's handmade-by-Daddy urn once it's done. It just goes to show how death seems to become a family member once your child dies.

Truman's Aunt Naomi has her big haircut tomorrow. She is buzzing it for the chemo-therapy which starts soon here.