Jeff and I went to therapy for the first time last week.
Honestly i think it was a big waste of time. The therapist was very nice/professional but he is not a baby loss survivor. It just wasn't much help at all to talk with him.
Jeff and I haven't been to therapy at all since Truman died and we figured we might try it just to check in with our grief and get some feedback and maybe some pre-marital advice.
Considering everything, we agreed that we are doing amazing. We are very good at communicating with each other. I guess i just wanted some reassurance from each other and a mental health professional that we are doing great and on the right track. But we definitely didn't get that. To me it just felt like we were paying someone to quietly judge us, pick everything that we said apart and drudge things up that aren't really issues. I can't figure out if he was almost creating issues so that we would pay to go back to him for more counseling or if he was really onto something. ?
At one point he told me that he can't imagine that there isn't any resentment from me towards Jeff for him being busy with school. I was almost offended. It felt more like psychological warfare instead of just checking in with each other's grief and emotions.
My anxiety has been pretty good lately. But after that session I was so anxiety ridden for the rest of the evening. I felt way worse then i did before i went there! Which to me seems unhealthy.
We have a follow up this Tuesday and I'm really wanting to cancel the appointment. I'm debating on whether to give it one more shot or not. My gut says that we just shouldn't even bother.
If i ever pursue therapy in the future, it is definitely going to have to be with someone who has either experienced child loss or specializes in it. I have lost my friends, my cousins, my grandparents, my mother... all of which were huge losses.... but this loss is just so far beyond any other loss (in my opinion and experience). I get way more therapy out of reading your blogs or talking with some of my other child loss friends. We truly live in an alternate plane of existence with the struggles that we face... metaphorically, it's like I woke up in a new life, a nightmare, speaking in a different language and seeing colors that I've never seen before. I can still remember my mother tongue but clear -as-day those natives have a hard time translating/understanding my new way of speaking and just can't see colors that they've never seen before. I can only talk in depth about the colors with the people who have seen it for themselves.
My advice is DON'T go back to this person. I have seen a few different therapists over the years. Two of them (including my current one) have been truly wonderful, a couple were mediocre but I saw them for a time since they were contributing something, and then there was one I saw briefly who made me feel worse/tried to create problems that didn't exist. I went to see her just twice, but I regret not cutting it off after the first visit (or even during the first visit), since she made me feel so yucky. A therapist should not make you feel that way. Just my personal experience...
ReplyDeleteYeah, I second SG. Cancel that appointment. It's such an uphill battle already, and the last thing you need is a counselor trying to unearth things that aren't really there. Especially one who doesn't understand baby loss. And is there anything worse than feeling the need to prove to a therapist that you really aren't feeling things (like having resentment for Jeff in school)? That doesn't sound like healthy counseling.
ReplyDeleteI kind of think therapy should come out of a more desperate place, to make sense of the emotional and spiritual conflicts that are happening in one's life. And to have an outside perspective help you process these conflicts and inner battles in a way that moves you forward.
It sounds like you were approaching therapy more for reassurance, which doesn't seem to necessarily coincide with what therapy is all about.
Between Jeff and the online support community, maybe that is all you need for now? Anyway, I'm blabbing here. These are just opinions, of course. In the end, I'm sorry you felt so off after your appointment and wish you would have had a better experience.
Josh
Thank you SG and Josh. I just called and cancelled. It is definitely the right decision. Thank you for your support, friends. xo
ReplyDeleteI agree with both, and glad you canceled! You definitely don't need to feel more stress when really they should be helping you. We have had our fair share of bad counselors too! The first one we saw about 2 weeks after Wilhelm died was the worst! She started asking us questions about how long we had been married before she even knew why we were there. She saw we had been married for 8 years and started asking if we had kids and then when we said no she was like why not, most people have a few kids by the time they hit 5 years or so. And it just went downhill from there. Needless to say, we never went back. My most current counselor is uber religious and even though we have shared with her that we are not and our horrible experiences with our family pushing religion on us she still would try to be pushy about God and religion. After our last miscarriage we went in as a couple to work out our feelings on trying again and my husband was really apprehensive about us trying again and over time we both became more comfortable considering it. The next time I saw her I told her that we were thinking of trying again when we were both ready and that we planned on seeking out several doctors opinions on what was going on before we did so and she asked me how my husband felt about it. When I told her that he was more on board with the idea of it, she was like "well that's b/c you have been in his ear nagging him about it and forcing him in to what you want to do". I was appalled! If she even knew the both of us a little she would know that was the furthest from the truth. I kept going to her b/c she knew my story and I didn't really feel up to telling it all from the beginning to someone new, but I canceled my last appt b/c i Just don't really feel like I'm gaining anything from the sessions. She has had miscarriages in the past, but I still feel like she doesn't truly understand my pain. Oftentimes I got the feeling like she thought I needed to just get over it or would invalidate my feelings, none of which was helpful! It often felt like a parent/child relationship where I felt like she was telling me what to do. Oh and every time I would try to explain what we were finding out from our doctors she would just misconstrue it. It was just a mess! I feel for you Laura, and I'm glad you decided not to back. Finding a good listener to help you with your grief is good. I'm glad this community has helped. I know it helps me for sure. Thought I'd share with you. Thinking of you and Truman.
ReplyDeleteOh my god, Kristie! That is a therapy nightmare! I can not believe that she said that to you. It's funny because we all know that therapy involves the therapist judging you and your situation but you hope that they would never be so out of line and off base when doing so. Nothing is worse then taking the time to explain every detail of a situation to someone and still feel like they don't get it, at all.
DeleteI have heard so so so many therapy nightmares from other people through out the years.
I know many people from my home town who went into psychology and social work, etc. In my personal opinion (which i hope doesn't offend anyone), these people are the LAST people that I would go to for advice on life from my peers... It was almost like the people who needed life experience and guidance themselves were drawn to this major in college to vicariously live through others and walk away feeling like they were wiser and more caring for it.
I was raised by two social workers myself and have never been afraid to reach out for help when needed but watching my peers go through college and watching certain ones chose the mental health field kind of left me feeling like these therapists are just people, like the ones from my home town, who don't have much to offer anyone but THEY think that they do. It made me very hesitant to even try therapy in regards to losing Truman.
The guy that we went to specialized in trauma and PTSD. Which i thought would be a good match for us seeing how everything that happened to us is extremely traumatic. Unfortunately it just wasn't worth it. Like Josh said in another post, sometimes I wish that we could all just pick up and move to the same town so that we could be surrounded with understanding. But if we can't have that then this blog world is as close as it gets!
Kristie, I agree with Laura - this therapist sounds worse than AWFUL!
DeleteI can only imagine what she would have to say if she could hear what went through my head, reading about how she had treated you...because I'm pretty sure she'd think I needed some therapy for that! I WANT TO KICK HER. (okay, metaphorically...maybe...)
I hope you never go back to this bossy, horrible, mean excuse for a "counselor!"
Grrr,
Cathy in Missouri
Yeah, I have no plans to go back! I too know people who have gone on to become counselors and I've thought to myself "really??" and like you I would never go to them either! I think, like doctors, we expect the counselor to have all the answers and do the right thing, but in the end they are just human too.
DeleteI agree, don't go back to this person. If possible, see if there is a therapist in your community who is very experienced with pregnancy and infant loss. This is what you need. I have been fortunate to find someone like this in my area, and she has been amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou are lucky Erin! I live in a very small community (which is also about 3 hours from the next biggest city) where there is not a lot of women who have experienced loss like this. So as far as i know, there is no one here who is specialized on this topic! There is one group for parents who have lost children that meets once a week about 30 mins from where i live. I think we are going to try that!
DeleteI think it's a good idea to go with what feels right to you, and it sounds like that particular counselor felt wrong and wasn't a good fit. Sometimes you have to "shop around," just like you do with physicians. I actually do think that therapy sometimes IS about reassurance and validating your feelings. That's one of the things that I initially appreciated about the therapist that my husband and I were going to. Now we've decided to put a hold on the counseling, with the door being open if we feel we need it again. Honestly, though, I've found connecting with this online community so much more therapeutic.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about the alternate plane of existence. It feels awfully lonely, and would be exponentially more so without being able to connect with you all.
Sending hugs. xo
I honestly don't know how I'd have got through some of my worst moments without this community - It has been such a support to me.
ReplyDeleteAbout therapy - John and I have seen 3 therapists since we lost Seamus - two rubbish, one excellent. We see the excellent one once a week, and it's been invaluable. She lost her own first baby a month after she was born. We don't know much about the circumstances, but she JUST GETS IT. She's had 3 or 4 more babies since, so she's far enough down the road to provide the right insight, yet she's walked our path so she knows exactly where we are. Like you and Jeff, John and I are pretty good at communicating with each other, but we always get something new out of session, something we needed to look at in a different way, or some new insight. It's also just good for us to have an hour a week dedicated to talking about Seamus, and talking through what happened. After all, it was the greatest trauma either of us have ever survived.
I'm glad you knocked the rubbish one on the head - no point sticking with someone who doesn't understand. I know you live in a small community, and it may be tough, but if you could see someone who actually has experienced the loss of a baby, it may be of benefit.
Glad you cancelled with that therapist. It sounds like it was NOT a good fit at all. I started going to therapy about 5 months after my daugther was stillborn and I had a lot of doubts. Luckily, I found someone who was experienced in child loss and had also given up a baby for adoption herself almost 40 years ago (not the same thing, but she still had to work through that grief). She helped me enormously as I was trying to conceive and then got pregnant. I'm on a break right now, mostly for financial reasons, but as I get further along in this pregnancy I know I will want to meet with her a few times to go over my fears of giving birth, etc. I really hope you can find a good person to talk to if that is what you are looking for. The support group sounds like a good idea too, because it will be full of people who at least know where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteLaura, you hit this one on the head! Your last paragraph about how our loss is so different than any other is so true. Yet so hard for some people to understand. I too, get a more therapy than you guys know from reading your posts. All of my blogging blm's are saviors to me some days. Someone always knows how to say what's on my mind when I can't seem to find the words.
ReplyDeleteBoy, did I heave a sigh of relief when I heard that you had decided not to go back for another round with this guy, Laura Beck. I mean, really - does he think you need MORE piled on top of you...let alone stuff that isn't even a problem!!!!
ReplyDeleteOnce I read this book by a guy who trains counselors and has been in practice for a long time. He said that most people would not need counseling at all if they were able to talk deeply with the people closest to them - and if they had a community of people they could be themselves with, who would let them process openly when they needed/wanted to. He said it doesn't take a crowd, even, just a few places where you feel you are truly understood, not judged, able to "think out loud" in safety.
It sounds like you and Jeff already have that, and that your relationship is only growing stronger. You trust each other, and you talk openly and often.
And for the rest, well, no one has to list all the ways that these blogs can help. They are the best dose of "I am not alone, my feelings are not weird, and there are people on the planet who get it" that I know.
Your instincts are right on, Laura Beck. I'm glad you listened to your gut.
There may be a good counselor out there, at some point - and you may not need one, all things considered.
with love,
Cathy in Missouri