My future husband shaved off his beard yesterday for the first time in about 4 years.
I joke that whenever he does this that i get super excited because it's like I have another boyfriend ;P
But this time, his face, his gorgeous, clean shaven face- made my heart swell up with so much love and... missing.
It's the first time i've seen his naked face since Truman died. I know that Truman definitely took after his looks but now, I see so much of Truman in his face in a whole new way.
It has sent me missing, longing and yearning. Missing the man that Truman would have grown to be. Jeff is such a character, full of laughter, and i am missing the smiling and goofy baby that i know Truman would have been. and Truman as a teenager. My boy- his life only plays out now in my imagination. I wonder what his wife (or husband) would have been like, his kids (if any). Who would those people be that would call out his name with love? What would have his friends been like? Would he have loved to sing like his Dad's side of the family? I am missing the funny stories that he would tell me when he would come home from school. The family trips and adventures. Missing the knowing him at the different stages in his life.
and what do i have to show for the huge love that is our family? That is father and son - mother and son- parents and child? It got me thinking about consolation prizes. I'm sure that weighted teddy bear has brought many bereaved parents some comfort but I think it's just a shitty consolation prize. Your baby died so here is this ugly heavy bear! You can never touch your son's kicking feet again so here are some imprints of his feet. Even pictures seem to mock my feelings. Time has passed. Our family picture- that one horribly lit and poorly taken photo that day Truman was born. I love photos, they have been a huge part of my life- forever. and now all I have is that shitty ass picture to remember? (It's more then many parents have.)
and back then, in the beginning of the grief, I was grasping at all of these shitty ass consolation prizes. Desperate for any way to hold on to him. Funny how I collected all these material items, things that would make me still feel connected to him when losing him hit home so hard that love and the people in your life are the only things that truly matter- not material items. Makes me understand hoarding tendencies that much more. If i could collect everything that ever said his name, typed, written or printed on it, I would.
and i battle back and forth with wanting everyone in the world to know exactly how hard it is to parent a dead child and then thankful that they don't have a clue.
A reoccurring issue with me.... the seriousness of which people do *not* get this. They discuss issues like Beyonce's baby hospital drama or women's reproductive choices in families that they know nothing about (past, present or future) or The Duggar's loss or any of these similar topics. Some have kids some don't. and i just feel like they are all so fucking clueless. Shamefully (or righteously?... both) clueless. I wish i was one of them, holding Truman on my lap, bitching about other people's lives that i have absolutely no clue about.
I guess i'm just having a rough day.
You know what I've noticed about you, Laura Beck?
ReplyDeleteHere's one thing:
Even when you are having a rough day, you empathize for, care about, and think about other people.
You mentioned that even the one picture you have is more than many parents have. You talked about other families (even, maybe, families who you may not have a ton in common with, in many ways) who have lost, and been hurt, and been judged unfairly.
Even in the midst of your own suffering and loss, you are such a giver. That's what they say - people are either givers or takers, at kind of a baseline level (of course, all of us are givers and takers at various times, but what I'm talking about is - life pattern).
You're a giver.
And I wish with all my heart that you hadn't had to give Truman up. His death is so unfair, such an irretrievable, bitter unfairness.
You shine on - and it still reeks living through this Hell. sigh.
What a Mom you have, Truman.
xo,
Cathy in Missouri
I love getting responses from you, Cathy. What a giver you are too. You always give such kind words of reassurance, support and love. I am so grateful that you are in my healing circle. <3
DeleteEvery time I read your words I find so much similarity. I struggle with so many of the same feelings. I often love the material things I have left to hold on too and then the next moment I just so freaking pissed that this is all I get to have. It's a tough battle for sure. I feel like I've had a similarly rough time this week and wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Sending a big hug your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are having a hard week too, Kristie. <3 I'm thinking about you, friend. xo
DeleteThey gave us two Teddy bears and a blanket. Really... Teddy bears? Kai said they were creepy but now he doesn't think so. They are very sweet and come from a good place.. But they mean Nothing to me. The blanket is the softest blanket in the world and I love stroking it. We use it like any regular blanket and it is in Kais room. Other BLM dress those bears and sleep with them. A bear is not my baby. And darn it Laura Beck.... Where the picture of jeff? You are such a tease. :)
ReplyDeleteI updated the post with pics... just for you, Renel!! lol xoxo
DeleteI like jeff shaved. You should never cover up a good face :). Oh an wow. Trueman totally looks like his papa. It must be neat to see him reflected in another person. :)
DeleteWow, they really look so much alike Laura. It's stunning.
ReplyDeleteYes, they are fucking clueless and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. No matter how much we try to convey our pain or write about our loss, it still will barely move them to up their sympathy. This layer of grief is so surprising, so unexpected, and I think that is why it can hurt so much. I never could have imagined having all of these pretend conversations with friends who don't get it.
Anyway, keep fighting the good fight. Like Cathy said, you are always empathetic and caring and I think these are good qualities to have.
Thanks for posting pictures - what handsome guys :)
ReplyDeleteWishing you more peaceful days, although I know they can't all be that way.
Great pics, Laura--and Truman did look so much like Jeff. Handsome, the both of them.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the teddy bear. I didn't want the damn thing in the first place, and I never even touch it. I just look at it, sitting there on the dresser, silently mocking me. "You don't have your baby, but at least you have me." What am I supposed to do? Carry a fucking teddy bear around, and just because it's weighted, I'm somehow supposed to feel better about not having my baby in my arms?? Stupid thing is too heavy anyway, heavier than Molly was by several pounds.
But I also can't bear (ha ha) to get rid of it. I've kept everything that has even the remotest association with Molly.
I wish, too, that I could be holding my daughter right now, blissfully ignorant of it all.
I'm so sorry you were having a rough day. Sending love. xo
Oh wow Laura, what a post. I was saying 'yes, yes, yes', all the way through. But, especially hanging on to anything that we get of our missing babies. I would pour over photos of Joseph and gather trinkets for his shrine. These days, 15 months on, not so much. I can barely look at his photos anymore because all I want is him. Nothing else will ever be enough.
ReplyDeleteAnd the missing of his future and your future with him and everything that includes. I will call his name with love... TRUMAN... I so wish he was here to hear it.
Those last two profile pictures of Jeff and Truman broke my heart a little more. He was the image of his Dadda.
Thankyou so much for sharing your bad day with us. Love to you.xxx
This post is truly lovely, and sad, but hopeful, and thoughtful. You had me smiling and with tears welling too.
ReplyDeleteSending you love, it's really not enough, but I'm sending it anyway. x
So like his Daddy... just beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI have a picture of John with Seamus - lying next to each other. It's my favourite - they were so alike. A friend told me that most babies bare more a resemblance to their father than their mother when they are newborn... it's nature's way of ensuring that the men bond as much as the women (the women have had the whole pregnancy to bond). I don't know if it's true or not, but it explains how Seamus was pretty much all John (except his hair which was from me I think).
I wish people understood better - as Josh said, I never could have imagined where my greatest disappointments and greatest supports would have come from - I wish there was a way to make everyone understand.
Hope your coming days are not so rough.