I was waiting in line patiently with eggs on top of my paper towels which was stacked onto of thetoilet paper.
A very friendly and happy man stepped in line beside me and said, "Do you need a hand with those eggs? Are you a Mom? You must be a Mom knowing how to juggle all of that..."
I felt the weight of the huge jumbo pack of toilet paper in my arms. I felt panicked for some reason.
I just stared at him.
If he even knew the half of it.
I finally muttered, "Yeah, i am a Mom..... kind of."
and the thoughts raced through my mind so fast that the entire checkout process and walk out to the car were a blur gone from my consciousness.
I am a mother, with arms full of toilet paper instead of Truman.
I am a mother who juggles living life after the death of Truman.
I am a mother who when asked if she is a mother, feels like i have been hit with a baseball bat and then stares off deep in thought with a flushed face (and probably looks totally insane or sick to my stomach while doing so).
As soon as i got back home, the tears came.
Yesterday was a year since when we publicly announced that Truman was coming.
What an exciting and happy time it was a year ago.
Crazy how quickly everything can change.
It sure is crazy. Sometimes I catch myself by surprise with the whole thing. Which is hard to understand, considering it seems to be at the forefront of my mind.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that you most certainly are a mother. Just as I am a mother. I honestly believe that being a mother to a child like Truman or Angeline is a greater and more challenging role than mothering a living child. Loving and raising a living child is natural and ordinary, even though it seems to elude some of us for reasons unknown. Loving and mothering a baby who has died stretches us to the limits of the human experience.
I totally agree with Erin. We are mothers with some of the toughest mothering jobs around. You have many tough anniversaries coming up, I know - hugs. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIt is crazy. To go from all that happiness and excitement to grieving such a terrible loss is truly headspinning.
ReplyDeleteYou are most certainly a mother. No kind of about it.
You are an amazing and courageous mother. Hugs Laura!
ReplyDeleteYou are a mother. And always will be. Thinking of you and missing Truman, wishing he was here. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you guys. I felt super guilty as soon as i said "kind of"..... guilty because there is no kind of about it.
ReplyDeleteFunny how you yourself can even say things that hurt your own feelings when it comes to a loss like this.
xoxo
Of course, you are a mother. You became a mother, instincts, trademarks and all appeared the minute you knew Truman was coming.
ReplyDeleteI was asked on Saturday if my daughter was "my only" I too, paused and stared for a while and answered back, "yeah". Ugh! Why did I say that? She is not my only, my son is also a part of my family-just not here physically. But how do you go about explaining that in small talk to another adult that obviously has no idea?
We have to forgive ourselves for those deer in the head lights moments.
You are TRUly a mother!
xo
As everyone else has said - you are a Mother. I battled with this a while back... somehow feeling like a fake or a fraud. But I don't feel that way anymore. You are Truman's Mother, you will always be. It's mothering in the saddest possible way, but it is mothering nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to be this kind of mommy. So, so hard.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you, Truman's mommy. xo
This week, my neighbor jokingly asked me if I wanted their hand-me-down baby toy. I just totally stopped, exactly like you said, like I was hit like a baseball bat. I couldn't really respond for at least a minute. It was like being stunned.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are a mother. We just happen to be in this (crappy) mom's group, full of fantastic moms.
Enjoy your cadbury eggs, and this cadbury egg season!
xoxoxo
Crazy yes. We did our income taxes last week and the tax lady asked if we had children. J and I looked at each other, we were two deer caught in headlights. Neither of us wanted to say it but the tax lady doesn't need to know about Liam and we both said "no" at the same time. Then we both said "yes" to each other under our breaths and held hands under her desk.
ReplyDeleteYou are a mother. You will always be Truman's mama.
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