I'm Back!!!

I'm back from my loooong trip.

I'll start by saying, i missed blogging with you guys and i thought about you all through out the holidays and New Year.

One of my friends posted this to my facebook page while i was on my travels.... It is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. It touched me so deeply that i wanted to share it with you guys.

<3

I'm not sure if many of you know this but my partner Jeff and I are not married. We have been together for 7 years.... 8 years on March 1st. 

Key West is one of our favorite places on earth and New Year's eve has always been one of our favorite holidays.

Minutes before midnight on New Year's Eve, Jeff pulled me out of a crowd of people and into an opening in the street. In the middle of Duval Street (close to Truman Street intersection), Jeff got down on one knee asked me to marry him! He told me that it was a big year for us, the year that we became parents, a year that we will never-ever forget and even through everything we have gone through, meeting Truman was the best moment of his life and he wanted to end the year right for our family.

I am over the moon to solidify our family.

I feel so lucky to have a man like him and so lucky that we have grown stronger from our loss. 

I definitely felt Truman there with us.

                                            

The actual "yes, i will marry you" kiss that some stranger took with their cell phone and sent it to me.

Lol!

The ring he gave me is his grandmother's diamond and his great grandmother's diamond. Both women are unique and have their own story and i love how the differences in the cuts of the two diamonds reflect that. His great grandmother was a famous artist here in California... a very well known one in mostly southern California.

Down the road, I want to add a diamond to the ring so it can be passed on (hopefully) to our possible future living children.

I love love love that the diamonds are old and have such history to go along with them.

Even through all the happiness and excitement, we missed Truman. I know that missing him is never going to go away, no matter what. To be so happy and so sad at the same exact time is exactly what it is. I never even knew you could feel both so strongly all at the same time. 

We are bonded in knowing that no one knows more how we feel then the other does.

The trip really helped me break up my patterns and I feel the heavy heavy grief has lightened. But i also learned that road trips are no longer good for my soul like they used to be before when i was an innocent still.

It was too much time to just sit there and think about Truman.... both on the way there and the way home, i did a lot of crying for him. Looking into the back set and envisioning him in a car seat with us. Going through the events. Imagining him on our wedding day, learning to walk still, wobbly and cute in a bow tie. Me handing him my engagement ring when he tells me that he found "the one". Every song on the radio reminded me of him. 

I love him so much.

and i miss him so much

and i search for him in every way that i can

hoping that life will give me a shred of evidence that he is with me on some level and knows how much  i want him here with me.

and it's exhausting.

I'm tired of the grief and at this point in my grieving process i think that it's good for me to stay busy.

My vacation was part of the grieving process. I was not resting. I was seeing many people for the first time since Truman died. I was forced to be in public and communicating with people for the entire time.

Now i feel like i need a vacation from my ridiculously long vacation.

As for wedding planning.... I never thought superficial decision making and "stress" would be so healing. So i say, bring on the color concepts, the menu items and all the other silly little decisions that will be my absolute pleasure to make!

It's so fun to have worries and concerns on this level again.

The re-enactment of the proposal for a photo-opt!

Jeff's Mom, Sister, Brother-in-law at our celebration dinner @ Blue Heaven, Key West. 

 A few of the Truman fonts i saw a long the way. It felt so good to be surrounded by his name!