It surprised us both.
He came back to the table with a look of surprise and curiosity as to what made me laugh.
Our friend Coreen said something that she hadn't put much comedic thought into.
I never laugh anymore and it left me feeling exhausted. It felt so good to genuinely let out a laugh of that magnitude.
I can't help but wonder when it will happen again.
Today was cleaning day.
We were ridiculously productive.
Sifting through the closet i pulled out the shirt that i wore on Mother's Day.
I held it to my face and some how it smelled like pregnant me still. Tones of rose, spring air, hope, happiness and contentment.
I thought back to that beautiful day when we took pregnancy pictures in the yard.
Me, Jeff and Truman, together.
I sat in the closet and wept and sobbed.
It's just so unbelievable that this happened to us.
I pulled out one of his onesies. the tag says 3 months. I pictured him in it, kicking and cooing.
I would do anything to get my sweet boy back.... anything.
Somehow my laugh has found its way back as well - not often, but there. It's so strange how it found its way back because I vividly remember being so upset in the early days when anyone else dared to laugh around me - how could there be happiness when my son had just died? I'm glad that feeling has now gone.
ReplyDeleteAs for your moment in the closet - yes, yes, yes... I've been caught by those utterly poignant moments too. Where something small just gets you in the gut and that's it - despair, the disbelief, the deep deep sadness all comes flooding back. I'm glad you took a moment to just sit with it and remember your beloved little Truman. As difficult as those moments are, I think it's important to let yourself experience them.
Wherever Truman is now, I like to think he can feel how wonderful his Mother is and how much she loves and misses him.
I'm glad you laughed, I can't tell you when it will happen again but I know that it will. You will laugh again, sooner or later, even when it feels like you never, ever will again.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry that this happened to you, Jeff and your little Truman. Your description of that moment in the closest just broke my heart. It does have an unbelievable quality to it, all the expectation, happiness and anticipation and for it to all end so terribly sadly. I still can't quite believe my own first pregnancy ended the way that it did and I've had nearly over three years to integrate now.
I do so wish that there was something, anything, that we could do to get them back xo
I so very well get it when you say you'd do anything to get your sweet son back. It feels strange our babies are not in our arms. But I know baby Truman will be always with his most loving momma.
ReplyDeleteIn the hopsital I often repeated "my life for yours, come on Jack just pull through." I find even now I still say it.
ReplyDeleteI wish we could make these deals in real life. xo
I remember laughing hysterically, in the fucking hospital, while Kari's kidneys were failing and we had just lost our Margot. We were watching some ridiculous television show and we burst out laughing and then had a hard time stopping. It was a needed reprieve. Laughter will come again, as will the closet. Peace to you today.
ReplyDeleteJosh
I am thinking about you all, my dear friends. I'm hoping you had an okay thanksgiving and managed to find a genuine smile or two. xoxo
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