He was the soundtrack to my life for 9 days in the hospital while i was hooked up to the monitoring equipment.
Even before that, at the doctor's office for check ups.
Hearing his heart made me smile. Made my heart feel like it was going to burst.
Jeff went to every single doctor's visit with me, he is an amazing Dad.
One of the visit's while listening to Truman's heart beat he said, "It's so amazing that it's just going to keep going and going."
I wish Jeff would have been right.
We didn't know. We thought we were going to have a normal life.
I feel like people sort of take the heart beat for granted. Every single second of every day its working for you, pumping your blood, keeping your life force. The heart is incredible. It's muscle and nerve and chambers and valves and the way the cells interact with each other and the brain, to me its amazing.
Here i am, my heart beating. I'm not even really living. Which i feel guilty about but I can't do any more then I am doing.
Ever since Truman died I don't know how to.
His heart stopped. Mine kept going.
For some reason, tonight, that thought is surprising to me on some level.
A realization that I already knew but the thought feels like i'm having it for the first time.
"Here i am, my heart beating. I'm not even really living. Which i feel guilty about but I can't do any more then I am doing.
ReplyDeleteEver since Truman died I don't know how to.
His heart stopped. Mine kept going.
For some reason, tonight, that thought is surprising to me on some level.
A realization that I already knew but the thought feels like i'm having it for the first time."
So right. Breathtaking. That terrible realization - yes, this really is my life. Living, but not living, but living. This is it. Now what?
Your words say so much, Laura.
Cathy in Missouri
P.S. I am thankful over and over for Jeff, for his goodness to you, for who and what he is in your life. A good man, and kind.
It's sort of scary to think how reliant we are on these hearts of ours... physically and emotionally.
ReplyDeletePhysically a heart can just stop at any moment. And that ends the life of the owner.
But then, they can break in an altogether different way, the way we are all painfully aware of in this community. And yet somehow we are all kept alive, with these fragile, aching, broken hearts. But as you say, "not even really living".
The heart is so fragile and your so right it still beats even when it is broken. It feels like the walking dead sometimes.
ReplyDeleteyour words are powerful and touched me Laura... thinking of you tonight
ReplyDeleteSo true. It's impossible to believe how we continue to 'live ' when our baby didn't.
ReplyDeleteHow is it that my heart can continue to beat and Camille's stopped. How is it physically possible to continue in the face of such loss. I think of all the people who have experienced loss because of war and how they continue to keep on keep'n on. We are extraordinary creatures with the amazing ability find flickers of hope in our still beating hearts. We keep living because we are alive. It is amazing how sturdy and fragile we are simultaneously. I LOVE the song. Never heard of this artist before but it is lovely.
ReplyDeleteHow I wish Jeff had been right. I wish your boy's heart had kept going.
ReplyDeleteAnd my husband and I? We thought we were going to have a normal life too. A normal life suddenly seems so desirable and so far away.
It still takes me by surprise still. That my heart just kept on beating although I fully expected it to stop when her's did.
I love the song, my husband bought me that album for Christmas before our girls were even a twinkle in his eye.
Remembering your Truman and the way his heartbeat made his mother's heart feel as though it would burst xo