forgiveness vs. your new reality

I have been debating on whether or not I should blog about this topic. I am not the only person out there who is experiencing this feeling so I am going to just put it out there. 


The quote that really helped me to understand that is from an amazing infant loss article that was posted to facebook last week. This line made me realize that this is a common occurrence in people who have experienced infant loss : "Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear." - Laura Schubert


One of Jeff's good friends experienced a close loss of a family member many years ago. 
Since Truman has died he hasn't called Jeff. When asked about it he says, "I just don't do well with stuff like this."


Whats really head shaking is the fact that Jeff had been there for him through a lot.
What I don't understand is who exactly loves dealing with grief and loss? This is no one's "stuff"! But thanks to Jeff and other friends, when he experienced loss he wasn't left alone, like he is now leaving Jeff.
I see it as extremely selfish. 
And pathetic that someone would rather lose a friend then just acknowledge the loss that we are experiencing.
"People say hard times build character.... I say hard times reveal character."


I'm not even going to get into the people that have left me high and dry.... 
After your child dies, you really do see all the other bullshit with clear vision. Things become very matter-of-fact.
It is not that I am not a forgiving person. I have always been extremely forgiving. It didn't do me much good to forgive the way I had in the past, because often you just open yourself up for history to repeat itself. and honestly, i am so let down in life in general, i can't have more people letting me down on top of it all.
"Even though your baby is not in your arms you still feel a mother's pride and instincts.  Protect yourself and your emotions as fiercely as you protect your child's memory. "


More so than anything its not the lack of words that hurts you, its the lack of action. 
Its way to exhausting to hear "I am sorry" and then forgive and see no change in action.
"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."- Emerson


So what it comes down to is this: this is my new reality. The people around us and the people that are missing help shape that reality.  
I really can not think of a more horrific thing that can happen to someone than losing your child. How your friends and loved ones react says so much about who they are.


During such a raw time, its easy to become vulnerable and resistant to want to let go of anything more in your life......
although it is so easy to let go when you finally know just how (un)important you are to them.