Religion.... YUP, i'm going there.

A few weeks ago I got the chance to vent about all of this to a friend. It was needed and felt great.

I think its important to let people know that Religion can indeed hurt my already devastated feelings.

I'm not sure if any of you other baby loss mom's have felt this offended after your loss, but i certainly do.

What it comes down to is keeping your religious beliefs quiet and personal.
Because to me this is offensive: "If Jesus Christ is in your life and your lord and savior then good things will happen for you." It is implying that my lack of faith is the reason my baby died. and that is messed up, judgmental and not loving.
It's just not helpful on any level.

Here is what I wrote to my friend who was kind enough to let me vent.

"I am definitely in the anger stage of my grief, I have been trying to control it. I am in no way mad at you or angry with you. I am just very very sick of hearing about God all of the time from people. I honestly wish that it was a word that never existed.
There is comfort, a peace that people have when they believe in God. Like you mentioned you believe that it will be worth it.
I really respect your views, I am grateful that they bring you comfort but I can not believe them. Not for a second. This will never be worth anything, its that bad. I don't care if there are unicorns and rainbows and an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness for eternity, it still won't be worth it. Truman and I suffered way way way too much.

If there is a man that could have somehow helped me and chose not to, a man that purposely did this to me for a lesson of any kind, did this to Truman and to Jeff and my Dad and my friends, he is not something that i will ever find comfort in. To me it is straight up evil in disguise. I do not see any of it as all "loving." He heard prayers form so many people, it doesn't matter how much you pray, things will unfold as they will, you will get the same results if you pray to rock, or Santa Claus. He should have known that I was always a grateful and joyful girl, one that didn't need a lesson like this in anyway. the only lesson I have learned is that there is no way that there is a loving God. 

If there is an after life, and I do get to see my son again, I still will never see it as worth it, ever. I don't care how rocking Heaven or Hell is. I want my son in this life, with me, safe and sound and protected. and the time that we had to be apart will always be senseless. Especially because if God made this world, including its suffering, and he has the will to give mercy and he doesn't.

"Is God willing to prevent Evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able or willing?
Then why call him God. - Epicurus

I have to be honest with you, a lot of people have been writing me with advice and words of wisdom to try to help me through this, all of which I appreciate very much. I know that it comes from a good place.

There are levels of understanding. The nicest thing someone can say to me is the truth, that they have no idea how it feels, like you did. You know how you feel, and you said that and someone who has truly suffered knows to say that. 
You would be surprised how many people lead on that they know what i'm going through, that they have found the wisdom that I should follow to get me through this. and it has been very hard to read, almost like they think this is easier then it i really is or something, they aren't meaning to, but in a way they are down playing how absolutely insane a situation like this is. Because even a woman that has lost her child in a similar way to me still won't understand completely. Its the nature of a loss like this, there is way too much that went into it, layers and layers of things that happened, that went wrong, my personal life experience, my family and support system situation, the stress, the pain,, the disease, the panic, Truman's condition and reaction to help, the reactions to it alll. 

But being 3,000 miles away from your support system, your family in friends, is a VERY significant thing, one that most of these people over look. I am isolated physically, literally. That is very very hard for people to understand. I am not in driving distance, I'm not even in "There's an emergency, I have to get a flight home in a reasonable amount of time" distance.
Losing Truman has resulted in us losing friends because they can't deal.
That coupled with the nature of how severe my disease was and how that all went down. 
and being motherless.
and then speaking with other people about my loss. I'm trying to connect with people and all I get a quotes on God that make absolutely no sense to me.
It would be like if you tried to connect with me about your mother and I kept saying that the reason for all of it was the color yellow and someday it will be worth the absolute misery because of the color yellow. That the strength that I find to get out of bed comes from Yellow. That is how abstract it sounds me. and it would be like you seeing things about Yellow and hearing about Yellow all of the time and wondering why everyone else isn't questioning this whole Yellow thing like you are.

I am living proof that there is a lot of anger that comes with losing a child and there is no where to direct it. It just kind of wafts around until it lands on something that doesn't deserve it in the least. I can not even describe how much anger I am pushing down every day. When I see these quotes all over pinterest and facebook and the baby loss forums and they make the anger increase. I do feel that people throw Christianity in other people's faces, if there were just as many posts about atheists, it would offend a lot of people. They don't care for one second that they offend other people, how Christian is that? its not thoughtful and its not kind.
I do not want the promise of answers. Because they will never come. Promises are often broken. If people can hold on to the hope and comfort that they get from God then I give them credit. They are much luckier then I am. I do believe that with the more pain that life brings that they will start to understand my questioning more and more.

Me losing Truman will never ever be worth anything but the pain that I carry. The pain will never be worth anything other then what it is. The strength that I find to keep fighting to live comes from me, not God and that strength is kind of over rated. I am a mammal, a selfish creature that has instincts in place to survive this brutal world. I have two choices, either give up, go crazy possibly spend my life hospitalized or kill myself OR choose to try to heal and try to meld with our society. Those are everyones options pretty much. I want to see my son again more then anything and i wish so much that the whole after life thing made a pinch of sense to me. But i am not willing to praise out of fear of what else horrible may happen, or praise because i'm afraid of hell or not seeing him again."

~~~~~~
Most of the time, I am surrounded by people who are respectful with their beliefs. But sometimes not. Sometimes, depending on the tone used, "I will be praying for you." is chock full of pity and ego. 

Maybe I'll start responding with "I feel so sorry for you that you have to hold on to these silly beliefs in order to find the strength to live your non-tragedy stricken life."

I know a woman who lost her son in his twenties, I was friends with him. I belong to a grief group called "Grief Beyond Belief." Its a safe haven for me to go and not have to hear offensive things. Well, this woman, joined the group and then attacked us. Saying things like if you don't believe in God then what is the point of living? and all sorts of degrading questions that she didn't really want to hear the answers to. she was just mad. I felt like she was mad because people not believing what she believes, somehow took away the only thing that is keeping her going. The thought of seeing her son again. and in her mind, if she can't, then what is the point of living this life.

I am way more grateful then that. Can you imagine? I am more grateful then a God loving woman? I don't need a promise of anything. Life, its still worth it. If they don't have the promise of something, then all of a sudden it isn't worth being kind? thoughtful? gracious? loving?

This group is the ONLY grief group like this. There are thousands of religious grief groups. 

Every day, I am surrounded by women who believe. and I feel like we are completely two different breeds. We are all in the Horrific Baby Loss Club but the differences where religion and beliefs are concerned make us all so different. I listen to so many women talk about their loss with their religion intertwined into the conversation and I just have to keep quiet. Because I would NEVER want to take their sense of peace away from them. They are lucky to have it. and its called RESPECT. 

But I am not allowed the same luxury of expressing myself openly and not thinking twice about effecting people. I can't ask them honest questions with out taking away their comfort or making them defensive.

That woman who came to my Group and started attacking us, she has lost a child, and she attacked the one thing that I found peace and comfort in. It really did hurt my feelings.

I am at the point where I am so frequently offended that I have built up anger and I may be offending other people by bringing this topic to light.

If that is the case, I am very sorry. I am willing to listen to any thoughts, take responsibility for my words and respond appropriately.