My letter to Truman.

It really is crazy how different I feel now that my Due Date has passed and October is almost over.
I was in such a dark place.
My life is starting to open up a little bit, I feel like the skies are becoming a little bit brighter and the heavy weight of grief lightening up as well.
A part of me knows that I am holding onto the grief as a way to hold onto Truman. I am trying daily to loosen my grip and let go a bit.
That being said, I know that I will never be the same. Everything has changed.

I'll always miss him, I will always be his and he will always be mine.

I wanted to blog the letter that I read to him at his memorial that we had on the 15th.

"Dear Truman,
There really aren't enough words to explain how bright you are in our hearts and how much you mean to us.
You were all I ever wanted or needed.
There is so much that I wished for you, and for us.
There is so much that I don't understand about why this happened.....

I do know that we loved each other. I know that you knew who we were. I felt that when you opened your eyes and looked into mine once you heard my voice.
I think about your hands holding onto our fingers, your soft hair and your sweet little feet. I miss you so desperately. This is by far the most unfair thing that has ever happened to me and a part of me will always be missing without you here. You should be with us, there will never be a reason good enough that you are not.
I can not get over how sweet you were. I don't think I ever will. I love thinking about the last time that I saw you alive. You gently rubbed your feet on my hand. You were so unbelievably affectionate for how small you were. Those three days with you were the best days of our lives. You are the best thing that ever happened to us.
I love you for everything that you were and everything that you could have been to this world.
There is so much that we will miss out on together and I am certain that I will be thinking about you at each and every moment when you should be there with us, living life.
I first felt you move inside of me at 9 wekks. Which is very early for a first pregnancy. Looking back, I am so grateful that I could feel you so early on. Everyday with you was a gift.
I loved that you loved the banjo and would get so active when your Daddy would play for you.
I couldn't get enough mangoes or blueberries when I was pregnant. I wonder if when you would have been older if those would have been your favorite too. There are all stories that I wishI could tell you over the years.
Every year that goes by I will be wondering what you would be like, what you would have looked like, and what sort of adventures you would have been making.
We had such hopes and dreams for a life together. Although you are gone, I will forever have a relationship with you, my dear son. I will always feel that you are missing. I will always wish that you were with me.
I'm not sure what happens after life but I do know that every inch of my soul wants to see you again, hold you, protect you and take care of you. I do hope that you can hear me and are always with me.
I want to thank you Truman, for teaching me how powerful a mother's love is. For changing my life. For being part of it. For making me a mother, for making Jeff a father and our parents, grandparents. For being a joy to carry. For trying as hard as you did. For teaching me how brave and strong even the tiniest people can be. For making me proud. For teaching me how huge the love between mother and son is.
You lit up my life.
I will always be loving you, thinking about you and missing you until the day that I die.

This poem reminded me of you and I read it to you once when I was pregnant.
I love you, my sweet Truman, forever.

'i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)'"