A guest post from SG : "Innocents"

SG wites a blog called, "Another Baby Lost Mother". I loved the way that she wrote this and she was gracious enough to let me guest post her post.

"Innocents"

"'Innocents" - finally, the I have the right word to describe people whose lives have not been touched by tragedy.   I found it in the book "Losing Malcolm" (highly recommended).  Since losing Elizabeth I have become very aware of innocents in our lives, in their different incarnations:

Some innocents sent a card or flowers and then turned away from our grief because it was unfathomable to them.  I understand.  I was an innocent like that once upon a time.

Some innocents are charming in their naive optimism and failure to think others might have suffered tragedy.  These are the acquaintances  in our lives who saw us months after Elizabeth's death, when there were clearly no baby-ish clues about us and asked cheerfully how the little one was doing.   These are the pregnant women who glow with the innocent belief that babies don't die in our modern society.  They are sweet and mean well.  They even make me a little nostalgic for when I was more innocent.

Some innocents mistakenly believe they have suffered tragedies.  I know they just want to connect with me, but please please please don't act like the death of your 80-year-old grandmother is in the same league as the death of my 3-month-old baby girl.  Generations are supposed to die in a certain order.  Death of a loved one is sad, hard, and life-changing, yes.  Not always a tragedy though. 

Some innocents are obnoxious in their belief that tragedy will never happen to them because it hasn't  so far and because they are responsible people.  They often ask subtle leading questions trying to figure out where we did something wrong on the way to Elizabeth's death.  Or they make breezy statements like, "our children's births are quick and easy" - yes a 9-month pregnant mother of two said this to me recently.  And she knows what happened to Elizabeth.  Cord accidents don't scare her because, well, her children's births are quick and easy, didn't you hear?  These people make me see red.  They make me feel judged and marked.  Maybe I'll call them "ignorants" instead of 'innocents.'" 


Check her blog out : http://anotherblm.blogspot.com/

Babies at the Brewery

I was at a restaurant ( a Brewery to be precise) last night with Jeff and our friend Brian.
I swear, ever since Truman died, there are babies in my face all of the time. Last night, even Brian noticed by saying, "What the hell? Is it baby night or something?"
I was eating and I look up, and over Brian's shoulder is the biggest happiest baby face staring and smiling directly at me, slung over his grandmother's shoulder- who happened to be sitting right behind Brian.
It was such a huge slap in the face, one that almost shocked me, surprised me for sure. I almost threw up all over the table right then and there.
The grandmother turned around and looked at me and i looked away, unable to make eye contact. She picked up on it. Probably thought that I was rude for not smiling at her grand baby.
When their meal was over, she stood up and held the baby out towards Brian and Jeff and said "Byyye Byeee" in a baby voice.
Who does that?
Who literally shoves babies into the faces of other people?

I really do wish, on so many occasions, that there would be sign that would light up over our heads saying "Our 3 day old son just died."

Religion.... YUP, i'm going there.

A few weeks ago I got the chance to vent about all of this to a friend. It was needed and felt great.

I think its important to let people know that Religion can indeed hurt my already devastated feelings.

I'm not sure if any of you other baby loss mom's have felt this offended after your loss, but i certainly do.

What it comes down to is keeping your religious beliefs quiet and personal.
Because to me this is offensive: "If Jesus Christ is in your life and your lord and savior then good things will happen for you." It is implying that my lack of faith is the reason my baby died. and that is messed up, judgmental and not loving.
It's just not helpful on any level.

Here is what I wrote to my friend who was kind enough to let me vent.

"I am definitely in the anger stage of my grief, I have been trying to control it. I am in no way mad at you or angry with you. I am just very very sick of hearing about God all of the time from people. I honestly wish that it was a word that never existed.
There is comfort, a peace that people have when they believe in God. Like you mentioned you believe that it will be worth it.
I really respect your views, I am grateful that they bring you comfort but I can not believe them. Not for a second. This will never be worth anything, its that bad. I don't care if there are unicorns and rainbows and an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness for eternity, it still won't be worth it. Truman and I suffered way way way too much.

If there is a man that could have somehow helped me and chose not to, a man that purposely did this to me for a lesson of any kind, did this to Truman and to Jeff and my Dad and my friends, he is not something that i will ever find comfort in. To me it is straight up evil in disguise. I do not see any of it as all "loving." He heard prayers form so many people, it doesn't matter how much you pray, things will unfold as they will, you will get the same results if you pray to rock, or Santa Claus. He should have known that I was always a grateful and joyful girl, one that didn't need a lesson like this in anyway. the only lesson I have learned is that there is no way that there is a loving God. 

If there is an after life, and I do get to see my son again, I still will never see it as worth it, ever. I don't care how rocking Heaven or Hell is. I want my son in this life, with me, safe and sound and protected. and the time that we had to be apart will always be senseless. Especially because if God made this world, including its suffering, and he has the will to give mercy and he doesn't.

"Is God willing to prevent Evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able or willing?
Then why call him God. - Epicurus

I have to be honest with you, a lot of people have been writing me with advice and words of wisdom to try to help me through this, all of which I appreciate very much. I know that it comes from a good place.

There are levels of understanding. The nicest thing someone can say to me is the truth, that they have no idea how it feels, like you did. You know how you feel, and you said that and someone who has truly suffered knows to say that. 
You would be surprised how many people lead on that they know what i'm going through, that they have found the wisdom that I should follow to get me through this. and it has been very hard to read, almost like they think this is easier then it i really is or something, they aren't meaning to, but in a way they are down playing how absolutely insane a situation like this is. Because even a woman that has lost her child in a similar way to me still won't understand completely. Its the nature of a loss like this, there is way too much that went into it, layers and layers of things that happened, that went wrong, my personal life experience, my family and support system situation, the stress, the pain,, the disease, the panic, Truman's condition and reaction to help, the reactions to it alll. 

But being 3,000 miles away from your support system, your family in friends, is a VERY significant thing, one that most of these people over look. I am isolated physically, literally. That is very very hard for people to understand. I am not in driving distance, I'm not even in "There's an emergency, I have to get a flight home in a reasonable amount of time" distance.
Losing Truman has resulted in us losing friends because they can't deal.
That coupled with the nature of how severe my disease was and how that all went down. 
and being motherless.
and then speaking with other people about my loss. I'm trying to connect with people and all I get a quotes on God that make absolutely no sense to me.
It would be like if you tried to connect with me about your mother and I kept saying that the reason for all of it was the color yellow and someday it will be worth the absolute misery because of the color yellow. That the strength that I find to get out of bed comes from Yellow. That is how abstract it sounds me. and it would be like you seeing things about Yellow and hearing about Yellow all of the time and wondering why everyone else isn't questioning this whole Yellow thing like you are.

I am living proof that there is a lot of anger that comes with losing a child and there is no where to direct it. It just kind of wafts around until it lands on something that doesn't deserve it in the least. I can not even describe how much anger I am pushing down every day. When I see these quotes all over pinterest and facebook and the baby loss forums and they make the anger increase. I do feel that people throw Christianity in other people's faces, if there were just as many posts about atheists, it would offend a lot of people. They don't care for one second that they offend other people, how Christian is that? its not thoughtful and its not kind.
I do not want the promise of answers. Because they will never come. Promises are often broken. If people can hold on to the hope and comfort that they get from God then I give them credit. They are much luckier then I am. I do believe that with the more pain that life brings that they will start to understand my questioning more and more.

Me losing Truman will never ever be worth anything but the pain that I carry. The pain will never be worth anything other then what it is. The strength that I find to keep fighting to live comes from me, not God and that strength is kind of over rated. I am a mammal, a selfish creature that has instincts in place to survive this brutal world. I have two choices, either give up, go crazy possibly spend my life hospitalized or kill myself OR choose to try to heal and try to meld with our society. Those are everyones options pretty much. I want to see my son again more then anything and i wish so much that the whole after life thing made a pinch of sense to me. But i am not willing to praise out of fear of what else horrible may happen, or praise because i'm afraid of hell or not seeing him again."

~~~~~~
Most of the time, I am surrounded by people who are respectful with their beliefs. But sometimes not. Sometimes, depending on the tone used, "I will be praying for you." is chock full of pity and ego. 

Maybe I'll start responding with "I feel so sorry for you that you have to hold on to these silly beliefs in order to find the strength to live your non-tragedy stricken life."

I know a woman who lost her son in his twenties, I was friends with him. I belong to a grief group called "Grief Beyond Belief." Its a safe haven for me to go and not have to hear offensive things. Well, this woman, joined the group and then attacked us. Saying things like if you don't believe in God then what is the point of living? and all sorts of degrading questions that she didn't really want to hear the answers to. she was just mad. I felt like she was mad because people not believing what she believes, somehow took away the only thing that is keeping her going. The thought of seeing her son again. and in her mind, if she can't, then what is the point of living this life.

I am way more grateful then that. Can you imagine? I am more grateful then a God loving woman? I don't need a promise of anything. Life, its still worth it. If they don't have the promise of something, then all of a sudden it isn't worth being kind? thoughtful? gracious? loving?

This group is the ONLY grief group like this. There are thousands of religious grief groups. 

Every day, I am surrounded by women who believe. and I feel like we are completely two different breeds. We are all in the Horrific Baby Loss Club but the differences where religion and beliefs are concerned make us all so different. I listen to so many women talk about their loss with their religion intertwined into the conversation and I just have to keep quiet. Because I would NEVER want to take their sense of peace away from them. They are lucky to have it. and its called RESPECT. 

But I am not allowed the same luxury of expressing myself openly and not thinking twice about effecting people. I can't ask them honest questions with out taking away their comfort or making them defensive.

That woman who came to my Group and started attacking us, she has lost a child, and she attacked the one thing that I found peace and comfort in. It really did hurt my feelings.

I am at the point where I am so frequently offended that I have built up anger and I may be offending other people by bringing this topic to light.

If that is the case, I am very sorry. I am willing to listen to any thoughts, take responsibility for my words and respond appropriately.

Newest design

I'm loving this design.

forgiveness vs. your new reality

I have been debating on whether or not I should blog about this topic. I am not the only person out there who is experiencing this feeling so I am going to just put it out there. 


The quote that really helped me to understand that is from an amazing infant loss article that was posted to facebook last week. This line made me realize that this is a common occurrence in people who have experienced infant loss : "Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear." - Laura Schubert


One of Jeff's good friends experienced a close loss of a family member many years ago. 
Since Truman has died he hasn't called Jeff. When asked about it he says, "I just don't do well with stuff like this."


Whats really head shaking is the fact that Jeff had been there for him through a lot.
What I don't understand is who exactly loves dealing with grief and loss? This is no one's "stuff"! But thanks to Jeff and other friends, when he experienced loss he wasn't left alone, like he is now leaving Jeff.
I see it as extremely selfish. 
And pathetic that someone would rather lose a friend then just acknowledge the loss that we are experiencing.
"People say hard times build character.... I say hard times reveal character."


I'm not even going to get into the people that have left me high and dry.... 
After your child dies, you really do see all the other bullshit with clear vision. Things become very matter-of-fact.
It is not that I am not a forgiving person. I have always been extremely forgiving. It didn't do me much good to forgive the way I had in the past, because often you just open yourself up for history to repeat itself. and honestly, i am so let down in life in general, i can't have more people letting me down on top of it all.
"Even though your baby is not in your arms you still feel a mother's pride and instincts.  Protect yourself and your emotions as fiercely as you protect your child's memory. "


More so than anything its not the lack of words that hurts you, its the lack of action. 
Its way to exhausting to hear "I am sorry" and then forgive and see no change in action.
"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."- Emerson


So what it comes down to is this: this is my new reality. The people around us and the people that are missing help shape that reality.  
I really can not think of a more horrific thing that can happen to someone than losing your child. How your friends and loved ones react says so much about who they are.


During such a raw time, its easy to become vulnerable and resistant to want to let go of anything more in your life......
although it is so easy to let go when you finally know just how (un)important you are to them.

Everything is quiet today. Strangely quiet. Much more then usual.
I feel as though I am talking to myself.

My burst of color that I had is over. I'm a nervous energy today.
my mind keeps circling around topics that don't matter in the least.
Everything has changed. I am re-learning to think and live with out Truman here.
My stages of grief are so defined and separate.
I literally can call them out loud as each day passes.

I keep smelling apple cider.
There is none. but i want some.
It's fall, almost Halloween,
and I want my baby.
If only crying and wishing and wanting and deserving could bring him back.

I have spent a far amount of my life grieving in one way or another. 

This time around with Truman was by far the most difficult pain I had ever experienced.

I reached out to many woman and found a sisterhood of familiar loss and pain. That being said there are a few things that, I feel, isolate me from the group. and a major one is religion.

I want to see my son again more than anyone but I just don't find God comforting at all. 

I have been designing stuff lately as a way of healing and keeping busy. A way to feel close to my boy.

I have enjoyed it so much that I want to put out so designs that have nothing at all to do with any religion what-so-ever.

Just love. and comforting words.

Finding hope has been especially difficult for me as well. I don't have any other children. The road a head of us to try to have other children is statistically scary- well, terrifying, for me. So as I go a long my road I'll be designing my photographs with things that help me in any way. and hopefully they will help someone else too.

Would love to have the passer's-by like my facebook page: 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Laura-Beck-Photography/321815170736

The goal is set: we want to raise $500 more in Truman's name for March of Dimes by Jan. 1st, 2011.
Please feel free to share this link!

https://www.marchofdimes.com/prematurity/b_new.asp?band_id=69655

Thank you <3